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Buy Can Coolers AKA Cozies Or Double Wide Pop Sweaters

Updated on February 13, 2010

I reckon you better git me ma cozy...

Foam sweaters for your beverage of choice.
Foam sweaters for your beverage of choice.

What's a can cooler? Why not just ask someone to punch you in the face?

I suspect if I was in certain circles, and I asked for a "can cooler" that might warrant a punch in the face. Around the Midwest anyway, here in the good ol' U S of A, we call them cozies. You can get them at every gas station, most grocery stores, department stores, and they most likely come free with any trailer you might purchase from eBay or Craigslist.

For the novice they work like this: first of all, grab a can of mediocre beer or generic soda, say an Icehouse or Mountain Drop. You could use a name brand I spose' if you're one of those "fancy" types that lives in a house with a foundation and no wheels, whatever floats yer boat. Next you take the can and "insert" it into the foam cozy. In other words, the can is the "male" part, and the cozy is the "female" part, and when you put them together, well, it's sort of like aluminum fornication that stops the heat flow.

What the hell's heat flow you ask? Well it's not a horny diner waitress I already found that out the hard way. Nope. Heat flow is when energy in the form of heat is transferred from one body to another. In this case body A is the pulsing energy of the high blood pressure in your hand. Body B is that delicious beverage. Heat flow's snobby cousin "Convection" is, according to The American Heritage Dictionary 2a definition: Heat transfer by fluid motion between regions of unequal density that result from nonuniform heating. In other words, yer damn beer gets warm!

Our cozy aka "can cooler" or "pop sweater" is an insulator that get's in between you and your beer and stops the heat from moving in sort of like your Mom who won't let you move in again because they laid you off at the 7/11 because you told them you only own so many "clean shirts" sheesh!

Also, it seems to be important that each cozy has an insult or pun on it, such as "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality" or "I'm not fluent in Idiot, so please speak very slowly". It might be that the cool reception you will receive from people once they see the phrase on your cozy also will aid in keeping your beverage cold. I'm not an astronomer though so that's just my educated guess. Anyway, I hope this little article helps you to understand the "can cooler" and it helps you to keep your beverages cool and your paws warm. The End, Amen.

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