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Celebrity Gamers

Updated on November 30, 2011

Remember the original Dukes of Hazzard? The cable channel CMT re-aired it a few years ago. James Best played the part of bumbling Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane for six years, not including follow-up movies filmed later. Few people know that more currently, in addition to being a talented artist, he’s a big fan of Call of Duty. He even has a big-screen television and accessories to better communicate with his fellow gamers! When I heard this, my first thought was, “If he played a roleplaying game, like the ones from Iron Realms, would he play a human paladin, or maybe an evil atavian knight?” Of course, I then imagined the class and race combination choices of other popular celebrities. Here are a few:

Tom Cruise

With those expressive eyebrows and ability to woo women of all ages, this uber-masculine fella has satyr written all over him. In fact, a pair of horns and a furry little tail would only enhance his already mouth-watering appearance. However, his long history with the religion of scientology guarantees him a spot among members of a magic-using class, like alchemists. And his alignment is definitely chaotic good.

Katy Perry

She won’t have to worry about “The One that Got Away” because her character would most definitely be a siren. Given her natural talent for singing and songwriting, there’s no reason her creativity wouldn’t carry over into a virtual realm! Like all good bards who realize that art knows no alignment, she’s truly neutral. So move over, guild of artsy-fartsy bards! This lovely lady is sure to flex her golden pipes and strum her lute regardless of where the dice take her, from the seediest bars to the most elegant of high courts.

Justin Bieber

He’s adorable. All the girls love him. And let’s face it...some of the boys love him, too. With this kind of appeal and that full-bodied mane of hair, he’s destined to be a furry, whether it’s a frisky feline or a roly-poly panda bear. Buying his overpriced Someday fragrance collection from Macy’s nets the Make-A-Wish Foundation a whopping two dollar donation per purchase. This kind of practice leaves only one option for his class choice -- druid. And given a druid’s loyalty to nature, he’s sure to be lawful neutral.

Kristen Stewart

Bella Swan in the flesh...erm, text, or on paper with dice, even. Did you know that this Twilight temptress views acting as being paid for professional lying? Her honesty secures her place in a class dedicated to healing. With her angelic face and do-gooder attitude, she’s lawful good all the way, and most likely the bride of a heroic knight, or perhaps personal healer for the high court! (Sorry Edward and Jacob, but you’re not invited!)

Ashton Kutcher

In the past few months he’s screwed up his marriage to cougar Demi Moore, lost friends, and worst of all -- banned himself from his own Twitter account! Before he got caught heating up a hot tub with someone half his wife’s age, he was this cougar’s ideal human knight following the path of neutral goodness. But like all good gujys who go bad, now he’s just a ward of darkness living a chaotic evil life all the way. And, he probably spent the extra skill points on a reincarnation to go troll.

Kim Kardashian

She’s a socialite as well as a businesswoman. Her recently marriage lasted all of seventy-two days, and was heralded as a publicity stunt by her former publicist. Despite her mother’s claims to the contrary, rumor has it that Kim and her most recent ex-husband purportedly profited up to twenty million American dollars on the short-lived nuptials. Her dark features hearken to lithe races suited for thief classes, but lack of an evil core sends her onto the path of the chaotic good like all good rebels.

Chuck Norris

Hands down, we’re talking monk all the way for everyone’s favorite martial arts actor. His race and alignment really don’t matter. Dude, he’s Chuck Norris! He can be whatever he wants, from total noob to Immortal Divine!

So now it’s time to hear from you, readers! What class and race choices would you make for the above celebrities? Or ones not listed here? Or perhaps you’d like to remark that my obsession with all things gaming has finally pushed me over the edge. All of your comments are welcome in the spaces below. Thanks for reading!

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  • Scott Fischer profile image

    Scott Fischer 5 years ago from Spring, Tx

    I must say, I enjoyed that tremendously...I will do mine according to D&D terms...Tom Cruise, well, he is a Half-Elven Alchemist....because, at his age, he should look older...Ashton Kutcher, well, he should be A Halfwit Jester, because who cheats on Demi? Really?...Kim Kardashian, well, she is just a common Tavern Wench...lol.