All-Star Celebrity Hubpages Discussions - the TV show!

The show opens with introduction from show narrator, Dimley Doowright.

Dimley Dooright: Welcome to All-Star Celebrity Hubpages Discussons – where each and every week our all-star panel is invited to respond to one of the top burning issues currently being explored in Hubpages Community Discussions!

ACHD is hosted by star of film and stage, the always personable, Kevin Kline. This week Kevin welcomes celebrity commentators:

Academy award-winning actor, Morgan Freeman! *spotlight on Mr. Freeman*

Multi-award winning actor, Al Pacino! *spotlight on Mr. Pacino*

Pop composer and performer, Lady Gaga! *spotlight on Gaga*

Actress and activist, Susan Sarandon! *spotlight on Ms. Sarandon*

Pop idol, Justin Bieber! *spotlight on Mr. Bieber*

Oscar and Golden Globe winner, Helen Mirren! *spotlight on Ms. Mirren*

and Country Western performer Trace Adkins! *spotlight on Adkins*

*audience cheers wildly*

Dimley Dooright: All-Star Celebrity Hubpages Discussions! is presented with limited commercial interruption from our sponsors: DAMM - Drunks Against MADD Mothers and Taco Hell, home of the Anchor Baby Burger!

Camera zooms in on Kevin Kline in Host Seat. Kline smiles to camera.

Kline: Hello and welcome to the show.

*exuberant wave of applause resounds through live studio audience*

Kline: For our audience and viewers who are just discovering ACHD, our panel members are allowed up to 30 seconds to provide a comment. After the allotted 30 seconds, the next celebrity will have the floor to discussion! Panel guests may offer a sub-comment reply or rebuttal, as long as these comments last no longer than 15 seconds in length! And as host, I may reply at any point if I feel a need for clarification .

*Kline turns to face the panel with a serious look.*

Kline: This week's hot discussion topic is: Is the belief in God DETRIMENTAL to the whole of society?

*general speculative "ooh's" erupt from studio audience.*

Kline: Morgan Freeman - what do you think?

*Freeman, whose eyes are closed, rouses slightly. He straightens in his seat and looks directly at the camera*

Freeman: (in somber, authoritarian voice): I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue.

Kline: I'm sorry?

Freeman: There is a mysterious ritual that dates back thousands of years. No living creature has survived it except the penguin.

*Freeman closes his eyes tiredly and his head slumps forward*

Mirren: What the hell does that have to do with anything, Morgan?

Sarandon: I understand exactly what Morgan is saying. Bush's war-mongering was just an extension of the old-world religious domination over mankind.

*Bieber looks at the drowsing Freeman and shakes his head*

Bieber: I think he was talking in his sleep.

Kline: moving on...Lady Gaga, your thoughts?

*Gaga smooths down the swan feathers on her blouse and crosses her legs, show casing her attractive pelt boots*

Gaga: On what, Kevin?

Kline: The question is- is the belief in God detrimental to the whole of society?

Gaga: Well, Kevin.I have often thought holes are God's way of warning us about the consequences of gender-stereotyping. I have known many people that have fallen down into those deep, dark holes, with only their hate and intolerance to keep them company.

Sarandon: Oh my lord! Are those baby seal boots you're wearing?

Gaga: Yes indeed. Aren't they lovely? But back to MY reply: So yes, Kevin, I think bods can be detrimental, especially if they are haters. They are down in those deep, deep holes.

Kline: You mean God..God is in a deep, deep hole?

Gaga: God? Why I suppose so. God can be anywhere he or she wants to be. And God can dress however he or she wants to dress. God can like pop music or pop art, if that is what he or she wants. His or her tastes are not contingent on what snotty reviewers say call art. God made all music..classic music, pop music, rock music, hip hop music.

Bieber: I agree with that!

Gaga: Even crappy music, as Justin here has so generously proven.

*Bieber eyes her with confusion, not sure if he's been insulted*

Sarandon: Stefani, you are so full of it! Everyone knows that religion is all about suppressing the arts and human-sexuality! If God really exists, He sucks!

*Freeman opens one eye.*

Freeman: I do NOT suck.

Pacino: (patting Freeman's arm): Go back to sleep, my friend.

Kline: Alright. Trace Adkins, how do you feel on this subject?

Adkins: (in DEEP virile voice) Kevin, I happen to like God.

Freeman: Smart man.

Adkins: I don't think religious beliefs are as much a detriment to society as the widespread lack of respect for the beliefs of others.

Sarandon: You should know a LOT about intolerance..damned southern redneck.

Adkins: Excuse me, ma'am. I wasn't finished talking. Kevin, I won't knock religion as God has blessed me in so many ways.

Mirren: (eyes him admiringly and strokes his arm): Yes, I can SEE that. VERY blessed.

Kline: Helen Mirren..what are your thoughts?

Mirren: Hm? Oh my thoughts. I believe in a creator, Kevin, and I believe in fairies and leprechauns and elementals.

Gaga: (snorts as if offended) FAIRIES?

Mirren: I meant elves...ELVES.

Pacino: So Helen, you like the little people?

*Mirren nods*

Pacino: As in angry little people men boffing long-legged blondes?

Saradon: Yewh! That's so politically incorrect, Al.

Mirren: I don't get up in arms about what others believe, Kevin. Though I have to say I never saw the point in attending church. It seems so stuffy, so provincial.

Adkins: You'd like my church. We have cake walks and raffles.

Mirren: REALLY? (saddles up closer to him) Do they raffle big, strong virile men?

Adkins: If its a deserving charity, I reckon they'd raffle off just about anything.

Mirren: What if the charity were set up to say.. help an older, yet passionate, woman revamp her sense of amorous exuberance..particularly with a tall, burly Texan?

Adkins: Sure!

*Adkins and Mirren grin at one another like smitten teenagers*

Kline: Susan Sarandon - religion, detrimental to the whole of society or not?

Sarandon: Kevin, as we all know, the belief in the Judeo-Christian god has brought about more sheer human suffering than cancer and Lady Gaga's stage performances combined.

*Gaga throws her the middle finger*

Sarandon: Also, arrogant, grasping Christian theology is responsible for every single war and act of terrorism during the last forty years.

Pacino: Are you sure about that, Susan? I seem to recall some wars started over big oil, and a few hostilities commenced by religious fanatics of another faith.

Sarandon: Oh Al, please don't try perpetuating religious discrimination against the Muslims.

Gaga: I have a nun's habit made of muslin.

Sarandon: M-U-S-L-I-M-S! You know, our poor, stereotyped friends living in places like Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Iran!

Bieber: They aren't all poor in Saudi Arabia. I just agreed to perform a private gig for a prince over there. He says he's going to shower me in oil.

Gaga: Really?

Bieber: Oh yes indeedy. All the Johnson's Baby Oil he can get his hands on.

Sarandon: (rolling her eyes) Dear god!

Freeman: Yes?

Sarandon: I am so sick by the stereotypes about Muslim culture. It is really ugly. Islam is a beautiful religion; if other religions were like it, we'd have no more wars.

Mirren: Are you really that naive to believe such a ridiculous statement?

Sarandon: You believe in elves and hobgoblins.

Mirren: Hobgoblins don't commit acts of terrorism.

Sarandon: I know better than that - I saw your last movie.

Adkins: (to Mirren) Really? If you could get me Willem DeFoe's autograph, I'd be much obliged!

Mirren: (smiles adoringly) Anything for you, Trace

Kline: So Susan, are you saying religion is not detrimental, unless it is a Christian belief system?

Sarandon: Yes. Christianity is the only religion in the world that promotes violence, slavery and intolerance.

Freeman: Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Sarandon: (angrily trying to ignore Freeman) And it is Christians that most consistently call science fiction!

Adkins: I like science. I just believe in God, too.

Bieber: I like God. But I hate science fiction. I can never remember if Captain Kirk works for the Federation or Darth Vader.

Freeman: And who says God didn't create life through scientific means? And who are we to attempt to pass judgement on what the divine has created?

Kline: Please, elaborate on that Morgan?

Freeman: We can take Susan here as an example. Sure, in the cold, indifferent purview of science, Susan might be nothing more than a mediocre actress, with a limited intellect and false, exaggerated sense of her own opinion.

*a heavy hush falls over the studio audience and the camera focuses on Sarandon, who looks rather self-conscious. The rest of the panel hang onto Freeman's words as if their very lives depend on it.)

Freeman: ...a woman, who in her advanced years, has traded the last withering vestiges of her integrity by prostituting herself for cheap controversy, all in the desperate attempt to hold on to what marginal success she managed to carve out of her sad, meaningless life.. By the laws of science we can look at Susan and see she is not fit for survival outside the cushiony plastic world of Hollywood. We might even rightfully say the world would have been a healthier, more fit planet had Susan never been born, or if she had been forcibly sterilized before she had a chance to pass along her defective genes to the next generation. If it was up to pure science, yes, Susan would be deemed a mistake of nature, a freak of genetic coding, a failed link in the evolutionary sequence of our species. BUT, when we acknowledge that just perhaps science is imbued with a higher purpose than mere random physical events we see that YES, Susan has a purpose for being here. The rest of us, all of us components of that grand design, must accept this, if our species is to advance - scientifically, technologically, socially and even spiritually. I think each and every one of us are indebted to Susan for demonstrating this truism. Allow me to be the first to say Thank you, Susan. Thank you for showing us the way.

*A round of "thank you, Susan!" from the rest of the panel.*

Sarandon: (sourly) You're welcome.

Kline: Justin Bieber..what about you?

Bieber: Yes Kevin, I have a new album coming out at the end of the month.

Sarandon: No, idiot. He wants to know your thoughts about tonight's discussion.

Bieber: Well, I think the discussion is going rather well. And I'd like to give kudos to Gaga's bold choice in wardrobe. Baby seal is usually a winter-only pelt.

Gaga: Oh thank you Justin.

Sarandon (hotly): GOD, YOU MORON!! What about GOD?

Bieber: I don't know what God is wearing tonight, Susan. You'll have to ask Him yourself.

Sarandon: See Kevin? It is idiots like this that prove evolution exists. Justin here is obviously the missing link.

Bieber: Troll!

Sarandon: Flamer!

Bieber: Aging hippie!

Sarandon: Pop idol!

Bieber: Cougar!

Sarandon: Naughty monkey-boy I'd like to take home on a leash!

*Bieber spits at Sarandon, the saliva hitting the bodice of her gown. Her mouth opens in shock and the two glower at each other in mesmerized lust*

Kline: Soooo...Al Pacino. What do you think - religion and God, bad or good?

Pacino: Oh Kevin. Kevin.. Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, f-

*A LOUD snore from Freeman interrupts this speech. The panel look over and see he has fallen asleep again.*

Mirren: He looks like a little angel, doesn't he?

Pacino: Dead drunk angel. Guess I shouldn't have slipped that vodka into his prune juice back in the dressing room.

Bieber: Prune juice? You gave him prune juice?

*Pacino nods - and the rest of the panel cautiously hop-move their chairs back from Freeman.*

Kline faces the camera and smiles blithely.

Kline: And this brings us to the end of tonight's show and discussion. Join us next week with guests: actor Liam Neeson, martial artist Jet Li, wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, Green Beret Josh Donley, boxer Noel Harding and Senator Barbara Mikulski..when we discuss the burning Hubpages topic: What's the best way to clean my jock strap?

This is Kevin Kline, wishing you all a goodnight and good commenting!

This Hub ©June 28, 2014 by Beth Perry