Cell Phones and the C. B. I.

How did we get so addicted to cell phones and how did we survive before everybody had one?

I am sitting naked in an Arby's fast food place typing this hub on an iPad. Well, I'm not really naked. I just don't have my trusty cell phone and I feel as unprepared as a boy scout with daddy's stolen credit card at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch.

Granted, I'm a little different from some folks. (Okay, I'm very different from most folks, but that ain't the point here.) I depend on that phone as a lifeline to my handicapped stepson who is at home by himself right now. But I'd be uncomfortable even if someone was there with him. There's just something unsettling about being out of touch.....

I didn't realize that the battery was dead until I got ready to leave and there was no time to charge it at home. Now it sits in my car about a half mile from here, charging, and of absolutely no use to me. I could borrow a phone (heaven forbid) and call to let my wife know I'm out of touch, but the darn number is programmed into the phone. I don't know it!

I bet someone is calling me right now. Really. I often get two or three phone calls a day.

People are nuts! I just saw a ten year old girl standing with her four year old brother on her shoulders. She was leaning over her table so that the little boy could get a Curly Fry and dip it in ketchup while their mother texted something on her phone. She was oblivious to the whole thing. If the kid had fell off and busted his head, Arby's would have been sued for thousands of dollars for not providing a padded table!

Last night I was sitting in front of my TV watching the History channel when I had a thought. Now that sounds sort of impressive, doesn't it? 

Anyway, Larry the Cable Guy has this show on the History Channel called "Only In America" and I was watching him pretend to be someone else impersonating Larry the Cable Guy at Harrah's in Las Vegas when I thought of a new law that we need to pass. ( No, I don't want to put "Get 'er done!" on our currency. That's just silly.)

I got to the bottom of a pack of Ritz crackers ( Plain - no peanut butter, I'm on a diet after all!). Suddenly I realized that those things are slammed in there any which way. Sometimes the salt side is up, as it should be, but often they are in there upside down. It's a travesty! 

My wife had gone to bed and since cookies you eat that your wife doesn't know about have no calories, I opened a snack pack of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chips. There were five tiny cookies in there. Five. Tiny. Cookies. Something has to be done!

An Oreo ought to be an Oreo. Don't need one with extra filling, green filling, chocolate filling or pimento cheese filling.

I think Federal is the way to go with this and we will need a new enforcement agency to deal with these issues. I'd call it the CBI, Cookie Bureau of Investigation. I am willing to come out of retirement to establish this highly technical unit. Lobbyist from Keebler will tremble in their little green elf boots at the mere mention of CBI. Justice, or something close, will triumph and the world will be a safer place.

Call your congressman, I'm pretty sure he has a cell phone.