Cinematic Hell: Bratz (2007)
My bosses must really hate me... I mean come on! This is the 2nd Tween movie I've reviewed in a row after Jem. To Jem's very little credit, today's movie makes the previous film I reviewed look like "The Breakfast Club". I don't even get it, why the hell would you make a movie out of the Bratz dolls? Transformers I can at least kind of understand, not only have there been a lot of TV shows based on those action figures but there's also story possibilities and franchise possibilities with Transformers. But Bratz? Really? Bratz was never a big deal like Barbie was and yet these idiots get a movie before her? The only thing I can really gather is Bratz: The Movie came out the same year as the first Transformers and both are owned by Hasbro. So my guess is this movie was made just to capitalize on the whole Dolls movie craze (I can't even believe this was even a thing).
God... I don't even want to describe this plot to you guys. These four teenage airheads are freshmen in high school and their "powerful friendship" is torn apart by the many cliques in their school. I mean many cliques, apparently Disco nerds and mimes are a thing in High school. Um... IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE? Anyway, these four morons get reunited after two years and want to separate the cliques in school. And I'm not even joking.. THAT';S THE ENTIRE MOVIE! Don't get me wrong, being yourself in a hell like High School is tough and there have been some really great movies about the struggles of dealing with idiots who have ridiculous hormone levels. But this movie has no idea how to be "The Breakfast Club" or "Mean Girls". But more on that a little later.
One of the most jarring things about this Bratz film is the dialogue. The way these characters talk and act are just so cartoonish to the point where it's kind of hilarious. In particular, the Meredith character speaks and acts more like a Bond villain than a teenage girl. The four leads not only have no idea how to act, but the characters they play are mainly stereotypes. Yasmin is a very racist Mexican stereotype, Jade is a smart girl stereotype, Cloe is a poor girl stereotype and Sasha is a racist Black stereotype. None of these girls have any real character arcs or even any personality traits outside of their clichéd stereotypes. If there's one character I actually like in this movie. it would have to be Meredith's little sister. It's almost as if she's making fun of her character and the stupidity of this entire movie whenever she's on screen. To put it simply, she's my hero!
Like I said earlier, this movie actually is trying to be deeper than your average tween film. When I say "try", I mean this movie is highly incompetent and/or straight out manipulative. Throughout most of the running time, this movie jack hammers into your head the message of self acceptance and loving who you are despite not being the best at everything. But how do the girls solve all their teenage angst problems? Clothes, Make-up and Shoes OH MY! Along with that, these girls want to break the clique system in high school by... winning a talent show. Excuse me, but HOW THE FUCK DOES WINNING A STUPID TALENT SHOW SOLVE ANYTHING? And yes, the girls want to win the Talent Show for Cloe because the prize is a scholarship, but still this is so stupid! How does winning a talent show solve the main clique conflict of this movie?
In conclusion, I realized something about Bratz. It has no real plot. Nothing about this movie is real. Everything and everyone feel so artificial and shallow to the point where it all seems like a huge cartoon from Cinematic Hell. Maybe this movie would've worked better if it were just a crappy direct to DVD cartoon for 8 year old girls. But even then, this movie is too shallow and stupid even for young audiences. Hell, any audience member of any age or gender shouldn't be subjected to this torture. The only reason why I'm doing this is because well... I have to in order to not burn in Cinematic Hell. You on the other hand, have a choice. I urge you my dear readers not to go near this dreadful, shallow, artificial and overall stupid movie. Just don't... I beg you please stay away from these spoiled Bratz. Score: 0/10.