Cinematic Hell Review: Gigli (2003)
Well my bosses downstairs decided to send me my new punishment (how thoughtful of them)! Who knows? Maybe they'll take it easy on me after I had to sit through Glitter. Wait a minute... no... NO! No... anything but.... the "Bennifer movie"!
Gigli is again a huge joke when it comes to any film buffs or the film community. It's right up there with the Alan Smithee joke or the Kevin's Gate joke. It's a joke simply because it's a huge embarrassment for everybody involved. Hell, it was so embarrassing for writer/director Martin Brest that he hasn't directed another movie in 13 years. I kind of feel bad for picking on something that almost everybody regrets... but then I remember the actual viewing of this movie and how many times I cringed in my seat. Suddenly I don't feel so bad. Beware everybody, it's time to go down the Rabbit hole of cinema... here's Gigli.
Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck) is a mobster and not a very good one either. One of his bosses named Louis knows this and doesn't trust him with a particular job he's recently bestowed onto him. Larry kidnaps a mentally ill (and very annoying) kid named Brian. And who's going to watch over Larry as he does this very confusing kidnapping plan? A very unthreatening mobster named Ricki (Jennifer Lopez). And yes, we will get to that big casting mistake later. Larry and Ricki form a rather bizarre. uncomfortable and highly unconvincing bond and the movie mainly focuses on that and... yeah that's the movie. The whole Mob/gangster thing going on is mostly in the background while the majority of this story is focused on Larry being an asshole and Ricki being just... there. And really that's one of the big problems with Gigli, it's so god damn BORING! This movie has a runtime of 2 hours and you feel every single minute pass by your life. The entire time I was thinking of other ways I'd rather fill up my time. Gigli doesn't make any impact on you whether we're talking about a good message or just simple entertainment. It leaves the viewer sick and tired.
It also doesn't help matters that the characters are so unlikable to the point where you wish that magic ticket from Last Action Hero existed so you can go into the movie itself and punch Larry in the face and yell at Ricki for making the LGBT community look bad (more on that a little later). I have never seen so many stupid and downright despicable characters in my entire life. Every time Larry, Ricki, Brian or really anybody opened their mouths I wanted to pick out my eardrums with a toothpick. Larry talks a lot about how great of a gangster he is while Brian makes really annoying noises or mainly raps "Baby Got Back" (I don't think I can ever listen to that song ever again... THANKS MOVIE).
Both the characters and the dialog are what makes this movie suck so hard. No character in this movie talks like a human being. I swear you can make trading cards out of the stupid lines in this movie. Here are a few of my favorites: "Every relationship has a bull and a cow, I'M THE BULL, YOU'RE THE COW". "it's turkey time... Gobble, Gobble". And the rarest card of them all: "The lips are twin sister of the vagina". Martin Brest I am sorry to ask you this but... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I would love to know what you were smoking because no sober human being would ever come up with lines so out of this world and so pain in the sides funny.
Now it's hard for me to really tear apart the acting in this movie simply because it's hard to tell when the bad acting or the script is at fault. I think we've already established that the script was no "Beverly Hills Cop" or anything close to sober thought. Ben Affleck is know to be a very unlikeable actor because of the way he usually comes across in his performances (and I'm sorry to say this but he does have one of the most punch worthy faces in the world). But man this role does him no favors in that department. I can't tell if this is a bad performance or if this just Ben Affleck doing his thing. Jennifer Lopez has no character to work with here either, but then again she's one of those pop stars who can't really act anyway. Though I do feel bad for her a little because her character is probably the worst one in the entire film.
I'm going to try not to harp on this forever, but for whatever reason Ricki is a Lesbian (the huge thing that trailer completely left out on purpose). And the entire movie focuses on Larry trying to get her on his team. Yeah... are you as angry as I am? But really guys you shouldn't care what offends me, however I'm just pointing out how stupid a plot this is and yes it does get me a little angry because it was such a simple problem to fix. All the script had to do was say she was Bisexual or something. But no.. she's gay and yet that doesn't stop her from teasing Larry sexually with that stupid "Gobble, Gobble" line we talked about earlier. And honestly I'm hardly ever offended by movies because it's just art. But man it's like this movie knows what buttons to push with it's audience. Like I mentioned earlier, this script is not very kind to mentally handicapped people either. Brian's character is so annoyingly offensive and grating. to watch that you'll want Jar-Jar Binks back in no time.
Ok let's wrap this up before I get even more pissed off. Gigli is truly one of the worst movies ever made and the sad thing is it never had to be made either. This movie was made to cash in on the whole "Bennifer" craze going on in the tabloids in the early 2000's and I think right there is the reason why this movie only made 6$ Million domestically on a 50$ Million budget. People were sick of hearing about what Ben and Jen were doing. So why would they go see a movie completely dedicated to it? It also happens to be a movie poorly made with unlikeable characters, boring story, piss poor acting and rampant Homophobia to boot. Score: 0/10.