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Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume 7 4/8

Updated on June 2, 2015
Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin, an experiened writer, enjoys creative writing in all forms, from literary to mainstream.

“Comical Tidbits and Leavings” is a series I am producing for the simple purpose of placing the various comical musings I have from time to time in the hopes that you guys find some of them funny. I will be adding to the series “as I can get to it.” In other words, when I come up with enough material and life provides the time, I will throw an installment together.

The sort of comical material you will find will vary from jokes I have yet to find a home for to B-reel material to short monologues that don’t constitute their very own blog.

The material will be broken into various genre headings, and for those of you with very gentle ears, I add the caveat that a small percentage of the subject matter is ever so slightly naughty, so if you find such things insulting, then by all means, don’t read.

And without further ado, the crap I haven’t seen fit to work in anywhere else.

Assemble the Joke:

Below are the raw materials for what I think are 2 great jokes. The problem: my feeble brain can’t seem to crank out a punch line for either. So what I’m asking of you, gentle reader, if you are so inclined, is your completion of the following jokes. Feel free to manipulate, add to, or subtract from the information in any way you see fit.

I look forward to reading your responses.

Use your tools to finish assembling the joke.
Use your tools to finish assembling the joke. | Source

Joke Raw Materials:

A Bar, and a drink menu as follows: Arnold Palmer, Shirley Temple, Harvey Wallbanger, Tom Collins, and Bill Cosby

Joke Raw Materials:

Fun with definitions! What’s the difference between a butt crack being described as a crevice or crevasse?

Life is all about perspective.
Life is all about perspective. | Source

One-liners, Observations, and Putdowns:

This section is pretty much self-explanatory, little nuggets of comedy…or nuggets of something.

--Here’s a lesson in perspective: A Native American school nicknamed the Savages whose mascot is an old white dude.

--The cure for all social anxiety: Stay home!

--We can get out this weekend or we can eat at KFC. We can’t do both.

--When people say to you, “Let me think of a way to say this so it doesn’t sound racist,” but they can’t because what they want to say is inherently racist.

--A man meets God at the gates of Heaven. God say to him, “Within these gates is everything you ever wanted to know, the answer to all of life’s mysteries, every joy and pleasure, a world devoid of anguish, only eternal peace and happiness, a bit of all that was ever good…except avocadoes.”

The man looks at his Lord and Savior with a puzzled expression, “But why no avocadoes?”

God responds, “That would’ve been a dollar extra.”

--If there is one thing I know, people who like circus peanuts were built to be happy, because circus peanuts are freakin’ nasty!

--Life, the last job you’ll ever be fired from.

--Pet Peeve: People who try to pass off a glass of water from the bathroom sink as a glass of water from the kitchen sink. Confound your logic! They are not the same!

--The term “Heart Healthy” is code for “Needs Salt.”

--Knock Knock

--Who’s there?

--Kill Yourself.

--Kill Yourself who?

--Seriously, just wipe that stupid grin off your face and kill yourself!

Isn’t It Ironic, Don’t You Think, a Little too Ironic

The following section just points out some everyday elements of society that I find ironical.

Do you ever find yourself pondering the logic of sidewalks to nowhere?
Do you ever find yourself pondering the logic of sidewalks to nowhere? | Source

--Describe your aggravations with the world vaguely enough and every whack job out there is liable to think you’re on their side.

--Describe your aggravations with the world generally, but with a bit of fine detail, and you’re liable to start a movement.

--Describe your aggravations with the world exactly as you see them, and you’re liable to spend your life all alone.

--Two well groomed men exit a church complaining about hippies, their long hair and beards, their radical ideas, the annoyance of their peaceful protests. One man suggests just doing away with them altogether. The other man laughs in agreement.

Above them on the outer façade of the church is a statue of Jesus on the cross.

--It is inevitable that there will be people with great confidence and no skill in this country. This is just a consequence of existence. That said, why do we always wind up electing them to office?

Larry Rants!

Just me fussing and cussing about this and that.

The Economy Setting on Air Conditioners:

Does it matter that you're pulling less energy if the product doesn't serve a purpose?
Does it matter that you're pulling less energy if the product doesn't serve a purpose? | Source

Opinion, but not really

When is it ok to beat your spouse?

See results

Mathematical Opinion

4 out of 5 stars from 2 ratings of 3+2 Stars=?

I fancy myself an environmentalists. I do my part. I go without things I just kind of need or don’t really need at all. I think of creative ways to repurpose junk around the house. I recycle. Quite frankly, I even suffer a bit so Mother Earth’s life might be extended a little longer.

But one sin I do take part in is air conditioning. I do this because I live in Oklahoma, and Oklahoma is miserable in the summer months. If it were just the heat, I’d seek respite with a fan and shade, but for those of you uninitiated in the ways of the Oklahoma summer, it’s humid. That means the difference in misery between standing out in the sun or under a shade tree is usually negligible.

There are three ways to escape the summer heat in Oklahoma: jump in the water, get an air conditioner, or move somewhere else. Though I’m all for excursions to more pleasant climes and going for a dip in the crik, more often than not air conditioning is my only viable option, which brings me to my point of aggravation.

On our newer air conditioners is an economy setting. This setting is supposed to save the world and your bank account. It sounds like a wonderful idea. The government thinks so much of it, that the econ setting is the default setting on all new air conditioners these days. Turn you’re A/C on and turn it from the economy setting to the cool setting, and you’ll find that when you turn it off and on again it is right back to the econ setting.

What is the significance of this besides the moment’s aggravation of having to manually change you’re A/C back to cool each time you turn it on? If I know government regulation like I think I do, having all A/Cs preset to economy is probably the first step in moving all A/Cs to a mandatory setting of only economy.

And this is wonderful, right? It would be if the economy setting worked. Why on earth would we stick with an out-dated, inefficient system when there is a more economical and environmentally friendly way? And it might work just fine in dryer regions, but the economy setting on an A/C in Oklahoma and humid places of the like is worthless.

Here’s the scenario: I can run the A/C on cool a few hours a day within the area of the house I occupy when I get overheated, or I can run the A/C constantly day and night on the econ setting with no palpable effect.

In the state of Oklahoma there is one A/C economy setting. That is “Off.” Either suffer through the heat or sin and turn you’re A/C on the cool setting, these are the only options that make sense. What doesn’t make sense? Running an air conditioner constantly, no matter how little energy it pulls, if it has positively no effect.

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    • Akriti Mattu profile image

      Akriti Mattu 2 years ago from Shimla, India

      I like your post.

      Best wishes for all your future posts :)

      Voted up.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Thanks so much Akriti.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I do love this series. I just finished up my work for the day and this was the perfect remedy that I needed. Thanks for the laughs, my friend.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Billy: glad your enjoying it. Comedy can be a fickle mistress. It's hard to keep things fresh and funny and consistently find inspiration.

      Thanks so much for your support.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 2 years ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      I'm always at awe when I read a writing style like yours, which is witty, funny and at the same time you make your readers think. ( A man meets God at the gates of Heaven) I truly had a good laugh. I wish I could add an image in our comment box. African Humor is often expressed by photographers. I have collected many in my 'Africa' board on Pinterest. Well done!

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Nadine: thanks so much for the positive feedback:-)

    • The Examiner-1 profile image

      The Examiner-1 2 years ago

      Even though I do not drink, that bar joke I say to remove Arnold Palmer and Bill Cosby.

      The next one, when was in woodshop we used to fix a crevice in wood with wood glue.

      A crevasse is much larger, being that it is in an embankment such as a glacier or fissure.

      I pinned this and shared it.

      Kevin

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Great collection of humour Larry. I enjoyed this installment of your Tidbits and Leavings series. Econ setting on the aircon...a joke. the first joke scenario. how about:

      a tough biker walks into a bar...looks at the cocktail menu and after some thought ays to the barman. "Tough choice, most sound good, but give me a Shirley Temple in a dirty glass. Anything but a Bill Cosby, that's a girl's drink."

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 2 years ago from Texas

      Larry, I like your humor. Kevin and John have some good answers.

      I would say the difference between a crevice and a crevasse depends on how low a guy wears his pants, if he wants to crack a smile or crack a joke. I like Kevin’s idea of fixing that problem with wood glue.

      Voted up, UFI and shared.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Jodah: the Cosby being "a girl's drink," about killed me. Hilarious!

      Kevin and Shyron: great comments on the crevice crevasse jokes. Thanks so much for putting time into completing the jokes.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 2 years ago from SW England

      I'm rubbish at jokes; I can remember either the punch line or the main part of the joke but never both! As for making them up - no chance, sorry!

      This brought a smile on a Monday evening, so thank you.

      Ann

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Ann: glad I could bring some good cheer. As for whether you are good or bad at jokes, everyone has their highs and lows. I'm sure you have your good days.

    • lawrence01 profile image

      Lawrence Hebb 2 years ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

      Larry

      You seem to forget governments get these things by blindfolding an employee. Putting a piece of paper on a wall (not always the wall the employee is facing) then telling tbem to throw a dart at the wall to get the setting they need.

      When they can't even find the dart then the boss makes the decision (usually with the help of a chimp with a dart) and the decision is set in 'concrete'

      Really enjoyed the hub.

      Lawrence

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Lawrence: thanks so much for the positive feedback.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 2 years ago from USA

      This humor is what I needed after a hot day with an ornery teenager and can owes at Disney.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Flourish: so glad to give you a respite from your weary day:-)

    • Judy Filarecki profile image

      Judy Filarecki 2 years ago from SW Arizona and Northern New York

      I enjoyed your humor except for your opinion poll about beating your spouse. I'm sure you meant it as a joke and hopefully expected no one to respond, but it really is not a subject to joke about. Too many spouses suffer daily from such events in their lives.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Judy: thanks for dropping by.

    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

      I'm too tired to make up a joke, but I did enjoy the laughs that I got from your jokes. Nice job Larry. On what days of the week is it best to have fun? [Days that end in y} thanks. Voted up++

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Catherine: sorry you're tired. Happens to the best of us. Thanks so much for dropping by, and I hope I brought some joy to your day.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 2 years ago from San Diego California

      I happen to like circus peanuts. I will even scoop up the ones the elephants reject. I am contemplating turning on my air conditioning right now here in San Diego, but that is only through spoiled California narcissism and self indulgence. We don't have an economy setting, which I think says something about the difference in our respective climates. Great hub!

    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

      I think by circus peanuts the author was referring to the orange colored candy. Can we have a clarification?

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Mel: I've been waiting for someone to defend Circus Peanuts. Just to clarify, I'm not talking about actual peanuts you purchase at a circus. I'm talking about the little orange marshmallow bits of nastiness artificially molded in the shape of peanuts.

      Some people actually like them, and to each their own I guess. Next thing you'll tell me you like candy corns:-)

      Also, my sister lives in LA, she uses her a/c about part of 1 month a year. No, it isn't the same, lol.

      Always fun to hear from you, Mel.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      Catherine: yeah, those are the ones, lol.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 2 years ago from San Diego California

      No, you are right, I don't like those particular circus peanuts, but I am an unabashed lover of candy corn, despite the vociferous critics.

    • frozenink profile image

      frozenink 24 months ago

      Thanks for the humor my friend. Had some good laughs. As I was following (and enjoying) the read, I really stopped to think awhile on days ending with "Y". Silly me!

      Where's Vol 2,3,4,5,6? Is this part of the humor too?

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 24 months ago from Oklahoma

      Frozen Ink: yeah, it's part of the joke. It is my intention to number this series in a way that has no rhyme or reason.

      Thanks for stopping by. Always glad to at least try to spread a little humor.

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 23 months ago from United Kingdom

      I could not agree more. Bathroom water and kitchen water are NOT the same thing.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 23 months ago from Oklahoma

      Lol, I knew I wasn't the only one that thought so.

    • Reynold Jay profile image

      Reynold Jay 19 months ago from Saginaw, Michigan

      Lots of great laughs here, Larry. Loved all of it.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 19 months ago from Oklahoma

      Reynold: thanks so much for the kind words.

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