Comical Tidbits and Leavings, Volume 7 4/8
“Comical Tidbits and Leavings” is a series I am producing for the simple purpose of placing the various comical musings I have from time to time in the hopes that you guys find some of them funny. I will be adding to the series “as I can get to it.” In other words, when I come up with enough material and life provides the time, I will throw an installment together.
The sort of comical material you will find will vary from jokes I have yet to find a home for to B-reel material to short monologues that don’t constitute their very own blog.
The material will be broken into various genre headings, and for those of you with very gentle ears, I add the caveat that a small percentage of the subject matter is ever so slightly naughty, so if you find such things insulting, then by all means, don’t read.
And without further ado, the crap I haven’t seen fit to work in anywhere else.
Assemble the Joke:
Below are the raw materials for what I think are 2 great jokes. The problem: my feeble brain can’t seem to crank out a punch line for either. So what I’m asking of you, gentle reader, if you are so inclined, is your completion of the following jokes. Feel free to manipulate, add to, or subtract from the information in any way you see fit.
I look forward to reading your responses.
Joke Raw Materials:
A Bar, and a drink menu as follows: Arnold Palmer, Shirley Temple, Harvey Wallbanger, Tom Collins, and Bill Cosby
Joke Raw Materials:
Fun with definitions! What’s the difference between a butt crack being described as a crevice or crevasse?
One-liners, Observations, and Putdowns:
This section is pretty much self-explanatory, little nuggets of comedy…or nuggets of something.
--Here’s a lesson in perspective: A Native American school nicknamed the Savages whose mascot is an old white dude.
--The cure for all social anxiety: Stay home!
--We can get out this weekend or we can eat at KFC. We can’t do both.
--When people say to you, “Let me think of a way to say this so it doesn’t sound racist,” but they can’t because what they want to say is inherently racist.
--A man meets God at the gates of Heaven. God say to him, “Within these gates is everything you ever wanted to know, the answer to all of life’s mysteries, every joy and pleasure, a world devoid of anguish, only eternal peace and happiness, a bit of all that was ever good…except avocadoes.”
The man looks at his Lord and Savior with a puzzled expression, “But why no avocadoes?”
God responds, “That would’ve been a dollar extra.”
--If there is one thing I know, people who like circus peanuts were built to be happy, because circus peanuts are freakin’ nasty!
--Life, the last job you’ll ever be fired from.
--Pet Peeve: People who try to pass off a glass of water from the bathroom sink as a glass of water from the kitchen sink. Confound your logic! They are not the same!
--The term “Heart Healthy” is code for “Needs Salt.”
--Kill Yourself who?
--Seriously, just wipe that stupid grin off your face and kill yourself!
Isn’t It Ironic, Don’t You Think, a Little too Ironic
The following section just points out some everyday elements of society that I find ironical.
--Describe your aggravations with the world vaguely enough and every whack job out there is liable to think you’re on their side.
--Describe your aggravations with the world generally, but with a bit of fine detail, and you’re liable to start a movement.
--Describe your aggravations with the world exactly as you see them, and you’re liable to spend your life all alone.
--Two well groomed men exit a church complaining about hippies, their long hair and beards, their radical ideas, the annoyance of their peaceful protests. One man suggests just doing away with them altogether. The other man laughs in agreement.
Above them on the outer façade of the church is a statue of Jesus on the cross.
--It is inevitable that there will be people with great confidence and no skill in this country. This is just a consequence of existence. That said, why do we always wind up electing them to office?
Just me fussing and cussing about this and that.
The Economy Setting on Air Conditioners:
Opinion, but not really
When is it ok to beat your spouse?
I fancy myself an environmentalists. I do my part. I go without things I just kind of need or don’t really need at all. I think of creative ways to repurpose junk around the house. I recycle. Quite frankly, I even suffer a bit so Mother Earth’s life might be extended a little longer.
But one sin I do take part in is air conditioning. I do this because I live in Oklahoma, and Oklahoma is miserable in the summer months. If it were just the heat, I’d seek respite with a fan and shade, but for those of you uninitiated in the ways of the Oklahoma summer, it’s humid. That means the difference in misery between standing out in the sun or under a shade tree is usually negligible.
There are three ways to escape the summer heat in Oklahoma: jump in the water, get an air conditioner, or move somewhere else. Though I’m all for excursions to more pleasant climes and going for a dip in the crik, more often than not air conditioning is my only viable option, which brings me to my point of aggravation.
On our newer air conditioners is an economy setting. This setting is supposed to save the world and your bank account. It sounds like a wonderful idea. The government thinks so much of it, that the econ setting is the default setting on all new air conditioners these days. Turn you’re A/C on and turn it from the economy setting to the cool setting, and you’ll find that when you turn it off and on again it is right back to the econ setting.
What is the significance of this besides the moment’s aggravation of having to manually change you’re A/C back to cool each time you turn it on? If I know government regulation like I think I do, having all A/Cs preset to economy is probably the first step in moving all A/Cs to a mandatory setting of only economy.
And this is wonderful, right? It would be if the economy setting worked. Why on earth would we stick with an out-dated, inefficient system when there is a more economical and environmentally friendly way? And it might work just fine in dryer regions, but the economy setting on an A/C in Oklahoma and humid places of the like is worthless.
Here’s the scenario: I can run the A/C on cool a few hours a day within the area of the house I occupy when I get overheated, or I can run the A/C constantly day and night on the econ setting with no palpable effect.
In the state of Oklahoma there is one A/C economy setting. That is “Off.” Either suffer through the heat or sin and turn you’re A/C on the cool setting, these are the only options that make sense. What doesn’t make sense? Running an air conditioner constantly, no matter how little energy it pulls, if it has positively no effect.