Crazy Dave - Top 100 ways to drive people crazy
Crazy Dave is on a mission to drive people crazy, here is his Top 100 tips for you to join his mission
1. Say that you are going left, but go right.
2. Stand in front of the postbox when the mailman tries to put the letters in.
3. When given a handshake, press very very hard and tell them to stop.
4. Pay your daily newspaper with travellers checks.
5. Always talk with 2-3 fingers in your mouth.
6. Give kids 8 sizes to big shoes in birthday presents.
7. Just pick random numbers from the local telephone book and call people and fire them.
8. Have shorts, cowboy boots, party hat and smoking jacket on weddings, excuse your self “loudly” five minutes before the ceremony ending.
9. Always ask people what they pay for their cloths they are wearing.
10. Don’t put a signature on your checks. If they ask for a signature, write their name on it.
11. Start digging a big hole in the neighbours yard, if they ask why, tell them it is for a science project about UFOs and green people.
12. Develop a bad memory and start calling people names.
13. Say to everyone that spots are the same as cancer.
14. Ask people how much they make, and start laughing out loud if they tell you.
15. Leave your friends performance middle of the act and start boo’ing and shouting on the way out.
16. When giving a birthday present, tell them how expensive it was and ask for money back.
17. Blow out the candles on they birthday cake, that is not yours.
18. Assume that everybody agrees with you, but still try to convince them.
19. Promise to send money, and then call 2 minutes later and ask them to borrow more money.
20. Pick other peoples ears on the bus.
21. Go to a classy museum and try to set of as many alarms as you can.
22. Sue everybody, for everything.
23. Gamble your rent money on a three legged horse.
24. Tell people that when you die, you are going to leave them everything you own, even if its not true. And also ask them to you in their testaments.
25. When someone ask you for directions, “forget” to mention couple of turns.
26. Tell people that just got fired that they deserve it and should a have worked harder.
27. Try to figure out how much “drowning” it takes before the lifeguard comes to help.
28. If you going to donate blood, do it like it was a party event.
29. Never complete what you are talking about, like you h…
30. When enter an airplane shout “We are terrorists, we have taken control of this airplane”.
31. Always write Doctor Pepper for President as your name when you rent a room.
32. Never do anything, unless they ask you 4 times.
33. Tell people what you are giving them on their birthday, then give them something else.
34. Always cheat in games, and accuse everyone else on cheating when you get caught.
35. Tell everyone all of your cable-TV channels are free because you slept with the cabelguy.
36. Send dirty pictures as anniversary card to your parents in law. If they don't like it, order some porn magazine in their name as a Christmas present.
37. Tell everyone how fun it is to go to the toilette, and try to tell in detail what you are doing there.
38. Borrow a napkin and spit your bubble gum in it and give it back.
39. Ask the Ref at the kids soccer game to bug off and get a real job.
40. If you once do something nice, try to get a movie documentary made of you as a saint.
41. Bribe all kids to not tell them that you eat mushrooms.
42. Lie to your therapist and ask to sit in their chair.
43. In the supermarket line, always ask to get ahead because you must go to the hospital to see your dying mother, and when you get to pay, excuse your self and go shopping for some more items.
44. Do an Adolf Hitler imitation every time you see a stop sign.
45. Tell all the younger people you meet that you are younger than them, if they don’t believe it, tell them that you was younger than them before.
46. Tell in specific details how a couturiers dissection is done, even if you don’t have any clue what you are talking about, but add lots of blood and gore to the details, just before the food comes in.
47. Mark every paper you have with a “Top Secret” stamp, and tell everybody that you are working undercover.
48. Go over to the other teams under a football match and start cheering for your team.
49. Start laughing out loudly when you see people start crying.
50. Make up statistics to convince people when you are arguing with them.
51. Open up all the gift certificates at a wedding and loudly announce the sum.
52. Recommend non-reliable car mechanics that use old oil.
53. Do never answer your telephone and send message to everyone and ask why they not call you.
54. Shift between talking loud and and quit, and if the person ask why you talk like that you pretend that you talk normal and tell them that they are losing their hearing ability.
55. Be a dog and sniff the groin on people.
56. Make a meat pie for your vegetarian friends and tell them its special tofu mix that only taste like beef.
57. Go to you neighbours window and peek inside if they are watching TV and eating at the same time, call them and tell them there is someone sneaking around in their backyard and you have already called the ghostbusters, and tell them what they are watching on TV is a very very bad show and , and tell them to stop eating what they eat because it gives you cancer. If they still listening, tell them about ALL your problems, do not save on the details.
58. Record all your phone calls and put them on YouTube with funny pictures.
59. When driving your car, always have the blinkers turned on, flash with your lights and honk the horn every 20 seconds.
60. Go out dancing, step on the ladies foot all the time, get a rabies attack when she says something about it.
61. When singing in group or karaoke only scream out load the first word in lyrics and repeat it throughout the song.
62. Go to a funeral and open the casket and scream “I told you so” over and over again. Then walk away crying. Then run back and scream “You will regret this”, slap the priest and run.
63. When enter a normal conversation, take it very serious, if they have a point of view, on anything, start arguing about it, start a cat fight, and write a blog about it.
64. Go to the shopping mall dressed as Santa Claus, and tell all the children that you are a fake.
65. Whistle a very short tone, over and over and over and over again.
66. Got friends that have secrets, well not any more.
67. Tell stories, but change the punchline to “ehr, I’m Captain Dick, with a Viagra recipe.”start laughing out load and tell a over story again, with this punchline.
68. Make an army boot camp at home for your kids. And tell your friends that you have a private army and they should start to call your Major Grenadine General Dave from now on.
69. Put a commercials on your answering machine.
70. Write to congress that we should have death penalties for double parking.
70. Write to congress that we should have death penalties for not have any parking.
70. Write to congress that we should have death penalties instead of parking tickets.
70. Write to congress that we should have death penalties for everything.
71. Always join a discussion, and take both sides in the matter, if they ask if you have a brain damage start singing the love boat theme song.
72. In the darkness of the night go to the shopping mall parking lot, paint DAVE on the parking space closest to the entrance, and put a red white cone there so no one can park there. Go there next day and park your bicycle there and say to everyone that you own this shop and this is your parking space.
73. If number 43 fails, work out 3 more strategies to get in front of the line.
74. If someone takes a picture, hold your hand in front of the lens and tell them “please, no paparazzi here, please, go away”.
75. Repeat yourself.
76. Did I say to repeat yourself?
77. When you put your shoes on, tell a story that is 30 minutes long about the shoe-fairy.
78. Go around and ask everybody how much money they are getting from their parents when they die, and tell them that is not enough and walk away angry.
79. Join the a badminton club, and always bring your snowboard to practise. If they ask, tell them that snowboarding don’t suck like badminton.
80. Take your golf gear and go fishing.
81. At the ATM line, always poke the person in front, and tell him to hurry up.
82. Read as many newspapers and magazines in the shop, if they come and tell you to stop, say that you only looking for the way to the bus station.
83. Always complain about the time, its to early or its to late, its never a perfect time for anything.
84. By 314 packages of bubblegum and go to the zoo and feed the animals.
85. Ask people how they doing, but before they answer say: – “Yes, as i thought, you are a sick man, please leave me alone” and then walk away.
86. Play with your lighter at the gas-station, and ask everyone for a smoke.
87. Wrap all your belongings in to plastic wrap.
88. Always drive with your feet, and try to make speeding records.
89. When you go shopping for ice cream ask them to use ice from Antarctica, but if not have, buy a ice cream, take a bit and throw it on the floor and scream that didn’t taste like the polar cap at all.
90. Drink caffeine free coffee, and take caffeine pills to ad the caffeine.
91. If someone ask how far it its, tell them that space and time doesn’t match in that direction.
92. Tell everyone that milk from cows makes you sick, that you should drink soya milk from goats instead.
When someone talk to you, try to fall asleep.
94. At a important meeting stand up now and then and cheer joyfully to say that you concur.
95. Take out your business colleagues, and excuse your self after the grand supper, that you have to go the toilet because the food make you very sick, sneak out the back door and leave them to pay.
96. Have an ant farm in your pocket.
97. Give happy birthday cards with death threats.
98. Speak with you mouth full of water.
99. Make a schematic list on everyone at your work place on what they do, and hang it up in the lunch room.
100. Try people to play the “no speaking”-game and you already started.
Dave is giving one extra for you to practise on.
Talk like the Mre-O People, always add mree sound in front and o after the word, I want milk, you say like: “mreeio mreewanto mreemilko”.
Mreegoodo mreelucko mreedrivingo mreepeopleo mreecrazyo