Cult Classics you need to watch
Sean Connery had a tough time finding movie roles after quitting James Bond for a second time once Diamonds Are Forever was released. Those circumstances lead to him being hired cheaply for this extremely bizarre fantasy movie. The film features Connery as a barbarian who kills a pilot of a flying head that spits out guns to savages. He then finds a group of immortals who have psychic powers and…well…maybe you should just watch this one. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it’s the only movie I’m aware of that has Connery running around in red thong.
Blood Sucking Pharaohs from Pittsburg
I’m going to make this simple for you. Any time you can watch a movie that has at least two of the following things, you should watch it:
1. A serial killer who murders with power tools (and a shop vacuum), while carting around a generator to run them.
2. Tom Savini doing makeup.
3. An Avatar of the Egyptian God of the Dead.
If you haven’t seen this already, what are you doing with your life? Getting sunshine? Patrick Swayze plays a bouncer named Dalton who’s brought in to tame a crazy bar called The Double Deuce. Judging by some cut-for-television scenes, the bar is nicknamed The Double D for a legitimate reason. Anyway, Dalton comes to help run the bar with a mix of pacifism and throat rips, with a sprinkling of round house kicks. You’d have to see it to understand.
The town is owned by a crime lord who makes all his money from squeezing a bar, a car dealership, and a garage. This affords him enough money to employ about ten thugs, as well as having the comforts of a mansion, a monster truck, and a stuffed polar bear. Of course, it’s a matter of time before he butts heads with Dalton.
Did I mention that Sam Elliott is his sidekick? Plus, how often do you see a bouncer being stitched up who carries his medical records with him that contains the fact that he’s a philosophy major at NYU. The answer is never…unless you’re at The Double Deuce.
When you talk about cult classics, at least one of these films will be on everyone’s list. All three movies are different genres. They star Bruce Campbell, who is one of the biggest B-movie stars in the world. They were all directed by Sam Raimi who would later blow up in a big bad way with the Spider-Man movies. And they are all weird in delightful ways.
The Evil Dead
This was the horror movie that was so violent and terrifying that it garnered an X rating and was banned from many countries on home videos. My best friend and I started trying to get a copy of the VHS in 1992. We were not able to find one for four years. When we finally got the tapes, we were not disappointed.
Five friends go out to a cabin in the woods where they find a reel to reel recording of a professor translating the Necronomican, the book of the dead. The translations awake demons in the woods that possess people on by one. It also features a pencil stabbing into someone’s Achilles heel, and a tree root violating a woman. For a movie made in 1981, it has not lost an inch of gruesomeness. It’s also still wildly entertaining.
Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn
Evil Dead 2 remakes the first movie in the first fifteen minutes and then spins a new tale that is both gory and hilarious. Ash, the lone survivor, has to deal with dismembering his possessed girlfriend, chopping off his hand, having that hand come back after him, and being tied up by newcomers who think he’s a maniac. How does he deal with these trials and tribulations? By replacing his hand with a chainsaw and kicking some demonic tail.
Army of Darkness
Army of Darkness continues Ash’s tale. He banishes the demons to medieval times, but is sucked into the portal with them. What follows is a man out of time comedy-fantasy movie with no traces of horror. Ash and his chainsaw arm are captured by an army besieged by deadites and another kingdom. Ash quickly shows he’s quite adept at dispatching demons, as well as delivering one liners (“Give me some sugar baby,” and “Good…bad…I’m the guy with the gun,” are two of my favorites).
He is given a quest to retrieve the Necranomicon from a graveyard. Ash fails in epic fashion, reanimating the dead which are now on a collision course with his new allies. Ash uses a science textbook to introduce them to gunpowder, and converts his car into a truly stunning killing machine. He leads the army into a giant battle, because a dude who works at box store is a natural general.
There are two versions of this movie. Army of Darkness: The Bootleg Edition has an additional twenty minutes that brings the final battle into greater focus. It also has an ending that is much more fitting for the Evil Dead Trilogy. The original has a hilarious ending where Ash is back working at an S-Mart and has to ask a deadite to leave the store. Both versions are enjoyable and should be watched.
A group goes to a cabin in the Alps and finds some gold. They are suddenly attacked by zombies…Nazis zombies, who want their gold back. This movie is a mix between Evil Dead, The Leprechaun, and The Sound of Music. Still not sure if this is for you? A man is trapped on the edge of a cliff with zombies in front of him. He repels off the side of the cliff using a zombie’s intestines. You know you want to see it.
Have you gotten your fill of Nazi cheese, yet? This movie will sate your appetite. During the final days of the Nazis’ reign a group escapes to the dark side of the moon. They build a base in the shape of a Swastika. Later, in the future year of 2018, President Sarah Palin is running for re-election. She sends astronauts to the moon as a PR stunt. The Nazis discover the astronauts. They instantly kill the first with a space ruger. Scientists takes the second, a black man, and turn him into an Arian.
The scientist realizes that using a cell phone he can operate a giant ship a la Death Star. So they send Nazis down to the Earth to collect more phones in preparation of an invasion. When the space battle finally happens, it uses special effects better than has appeared in any Star Wars movie. This movie is a must see.
This has been called the worst movie ever made. It’s hard to disagree…but it is very entertaining. First off it’s a sequel which has absolutely nothing to do with the original. Secondly, there are goblins that are turning people into vegetables so that they can eat them. Third, there is a creepy ghost of a grandpa who helps his grandson. And by creepy, I mean potential pedophile. I could try string all of these elements together to give a coherent plot synopsis, but they didn’t make a coherent film, so why should I? After watching this gem, you should follow it up with spectacular documentary on the film called Best Worst Movie.