Dragon Ball Z vs. Lucha Libre
So I was going to start out by saying Happy Canada Day, only to look at the clock and realize we're about forty minutes past it. This is what happens when you easily get distracted from writing by watching The Warriors. Damn you Ajax! In any event, I come to you tonight with a weird, potentially really fun idea. Those who have read me know how much I love lucha libre, particularly Lucha Underground. Those same people will also know that I'm a big fan of Dragon Ball Z. So, with writer's block kicking my ass earlier this evening, I came up with the novel idea to combine these two wacky entities. In short; what would happen if a super card was put together of DBZ characters facing off against the biggest stars in lucha libre today? What can I say; I'm out of my mind. So grab a Pepsi, put The Warriors on pause, hang those Canadian flags back up and get ready to party like the last time ON DRAGON BALL Z! We're having the weirdest super card of all time. ON WITH THE SHOW!
Dragon Ball Z vs. Lucha Libre Mega Card
Mascarita Sagrada vs. Garlic Jr
A no brainer for the opening bout/pre show. Us lucha/DBZ fans need a little entertainment before the serious stuff, and who better than the heroic legend Sagrada vs. the devious immortal who was locked away forever in the Death Zone? Alas, this won't be that close of a contest. I sense Sagrada would run circles around the son of Garlic before finally putting him away at around the five minute mark. Junior may be immortal, but he's also only slightly stronger than Yamcha (kept off the card for his own good), and immortality doesn't seem to help him get any victories. Need I remind DBZ fans of that infamous throw down with Mr. Popo? I rest my case.
Marty the Moth vs. Hercule
I know what you're thinking; this could potentially be the funniest match in the history of professional wrestling, narrowly beating out the Gimmick Battle Royal from Wrestlemania X7 and the Hardcore extravaganza from a year later. Plus, let's be real; Hercule was less of a fighter and more of a performance art kind of guy any way. Combine that with his wonderful arrogance and he's the perfect guy to go toe to toe with the man who has Aztec blood running through his veins. By the way, Marty would totally smoke Hercule here. Why? Because he's the Moth dammit! Aside from Alberto El Patron, Aero Star and Prince Puma (all fluke victories by the way), no one can defeat a man with more Aztec Pride than anyone in the history of the western hemisphere. Yes, I'm totally a killer moth, and I'm totally biased here. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong either. DOWN GOES HERCULE! DOWN GOES HERCULE!
Taya Valkyrie vs. Android 18
Hey, we need a bad ass women's match here on the card, and who better than these two? Sure, it pains me a bit to leave Sexy Star off the card, but it all honesty, I like the fit of Taya here a lot better. She's tough, she's fierce, she can fight dirty, and she has the ability to do some high flying as well, the perfect contrast for Android 18's simple, no holds barred approach. And hey, who doesn't love 18; other than her choice in love interests, she's a pretty cool woman who can beat up tons of dudes as well. This could easily be a ten minute barn burner that ends in a no contest. Yes, it would end in a no contest, if for no other reason than Sexy Star and Android 17 getting involved, leading to a full scale brawl that ends with Taya or Sexy holding 17's head in the air while screaming the cry of victory. What, it's not my fault he was the weak link of the group. Everybody has to have a Ringo Starr, he just happened to be it.
Frieza, King Cold and Cooler vs. Recoome, Jeice and Burter vs. Angelico, Ivelisse and Son of Havoc vs. Los Psychos Circus
Keeping in lucha libre tradition, there has to be a trios match, and there has to be a lot of trios teams featured in this trios match. These are the best teams for the job. Frieza, Cold and Cooler may not get a long a lot, but the power levels of all three are extreme to say the least. They might be the strongest trios team in either the LU or DBZ universe, even if they want to stab each other with an ice pick (get it?!). The trios champions in LU have to be here because, well, I love them, and Los Psychos Circus might as well be DBZ characters, thus making their selection simple. That leaves the Ginyu Force, an easy choice to make except that you have to consider who is part of the team. For me, Recoome, Jeice and Burter are the easy choices. Yes, Guldo can stop time, but let's be real, Garlic Jr might be more useful than him. And as for Ginyu...well frankly, he strikes me as someone who'd be a better manager outside of the ring, leading and giving instruction as opposed to fighting. Plus, he has the ultimate weapon; CHANGE NOW! Which is why I'm ultimately picking the Ginyu Force to win this one; I expect he'd at some point switch bodies with Frieza and then lay down to Recoome, as dirty a win as it gets.
Ten Man Elimination Match
Drago vs. Krillin vs. El Hijo del Fantasma vs. Piccolo vs. Fenix vs. Gohan vs. Mil Muertes vs. Tien vs. Aero Star vs. Nappa
Another lucha libre staple, and one that actually kinda, sorta fits with the whole science fiction esq vibe DBZ has going for it. The luchadores featured here are a strong group; Fenix is the man who cannot die, Mil Muertes is a Beast King, Aero Star is from outer space and Fantasma (aka Deer Antlers on Wednesdays) is a Phantom. That's some individuals who can go tow to tow there. Oh, and lest we forget, the final luchadore included here is ACTUALLY A DRAGON! Against a group from a show called Dragon Ball Z, Drago should have a distinct advantage here. Couldn't you buy him as one of the dragons from the show? Would you be surprised to find that out, and would you then be surprised that he's decided to end these fools for good instead of wishing them back to life all the time? Just a theory.
The point is, this should be a pretty close bout all things considered, especially since this isn't the strongest lineup of DBZ guys. My guess on elimination order would be as follows; Krillin goes first (it's Krillin, let's be real), followed by Tien, Aero Star, Nappa and Fantasma, giving us a final four of Drago, Mil, Piccolo and Gohan. From there, Piccolo sacrifices himself to save Gohan (I'm shocked, SHOCKED by this development), Mil then takes care of Drago and sets up Gohan vs. Mil as the final two. Where it goes from there? Anyone's guess. I never bet against the Beast King, but against a young boy who grows up to be the strongest person ever all while having some serious daddy issues? Man, that's tough. Hey, who cares as long as the bout is entertaining? Plus, the look on Krillin's face after Mil no sells a Kamehameha is worth the price of admission alone. The only thing funnier is knowing the translation for Kamehameha; Turtle Destruction Wave.
Mask vs. Hair Tag Team Match
Vegeta and Trunks vs. Dr. Wagner Jr and Blue Demon Jr
Yes, the mask vs. hair match is making an appearance on this card. You think the DBZ characters would get away with having so much hair and not have to risk it? Truthfully, this was going to be Vegeta and Bulma vs. Demon and Sexy Star, but the fact that I have more fighting ability than Bulma kind of made that moot. It's for the best, as I think this could be the closest thing to El Hijo del Santo/Octagon vs. Los Gringos Locos, if that match had featured dudes who could shoot energy beams out of their hands. In one corner, you have two lucha libre legends, second generation stars fighting for the masks that were handed down to them by their legendary fathers. In the other, you have the cocky, charismatic villain in Vegeta (the anime Art Barr if there ever was one) and his son Trunks, a young dude with great ability and a hidden mean streak of his own. That's a pretty cool match up right there. Could Blue Demon and Wagner have a lick of chance against two dudes like Vegeta and Trunks? If they get to use the energy beams, probably not. But hey, no one gave Santo and Octagon that much of a chance years ago, and look what happened. A five star classic waiting to happen in my opinion.
Super Saiyan Match
Jack Evans vs. Goku vs. "Mr 450" Hammet
Here it is kids. The big one, the show stopper, the ultimate challenge, the FIFA Champ vs. a real life Super Saiyan the world's most negligent father since Nigel Powers. Alright, besides his terrible parenting, Goku has some mad skills. He was the strongest in the universe before Gohan reached the age of ten, he's saved the world more times than Buffy Summers, he's got more moves than Dean Malenko and my goodness, have you seen the Spirit Bomb? That thing is like the last scene from Dr. Strangelove all rolled into one tootsie roll of doom. How is anyone supposed to compete with that?
Enter Evans and Hammett. No, the man, myth and legend may not have the Spirit Bomb, the Kamehameha and all those other neat tricks Goku has. But he does have speed, self confidence the size of futuristic Tokyo, and the ability to perform a double moonsault. Which by the way, is the wrestling equivalent of the Spirit Bomb. Seriously, Jack would hang in there with Goku for a little bit. Sure, he'd ultimately crumble just like all of Goku's other foes, and I'm probably being far too kind to him here. I'm just saying, he'd hang around, perhaps even for awhile if he happened to shove a plate of food in Goku's face. That's why "Mr. 450" is here though, because he can win. Not only is he the master of the 450 splash, not only has he studied the art of wrestling and DBZ all his life, NOT ONLY does he come to the ring dressed in Saiyan armor, but he also has the greatest wrestling move of all time; the Final Flash. Seriously, check that shit out if you haven't already. It's like a Jackhammer crossed with a lifting Scorpion Death Drop all rolled into one. In the words of Mugatu, "Dear God, it's beautiful!". Trust me, "Mr. 450" and Goku would go the distance, Goku-Vegeta style, while poor Jack is carried to the back by Angelico. Sorry FIFA Champ. You can blame Masked Republic for bringing Hammet to my attention.
That's enough lucha and anime from me for one night! I'll be back tomorrow with a review of tonight's Lucha Underground episode, and a Cult Tribute to the film I'm watching right now, The Warriors. Till then, CAN YOU DIG IT?!!!!!