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Dear Google Algorithm | A Letter

Updated on December 3, 2012
I can't quite make out the similarities.
I can't quite make out the similarities.
You look sort of pompous.
You look sort of pompous.

Dear Google,

You don’t know me, but my name is Julie. Actually, come to think of it, you probably know more about me than I do. Here I am, writing a letter to the most powerful "person computer company algorithm" in the world.

Oh I know Google is run by people, it is on millions of computers, and technically it is a company, but I want to speak to Mr. Algorithm. You see, you are the most popular non-human person I can think of. Everybody I know that works on the Internet would like to meet you. Well, not just meet you, but interview you. Do you have a name?

I’ve heard you likened to a panda and a penguin- what exactly are the similarities between these two animals? Last I checked, one lived in the jungle and one in the Artic. Is it because they are both black and white? Help me understand please.

My brother runs a video game company and they named their algorithm Cornelius. I think you need a nice name like that. I was thinking something like Capricious. Do you know what that means? Of course you do, you and Dictionary.com are in bed together. If I just knew your nickname, I could personalize an invitation for you, invite you to dinner, and pick your brain for answers to how you work.

Because quite frankly, for being all non-human and all, you seem rather, hmm, how do I say it? Biased? Unpredictable? Random? Moody? I feel like I can be honest with you Mr. (are you a guy?) Capricious Google Algorithm because after all, you don’t have emotions, I think.

I don't mean to be rude, but how is it that someone/something that is so sought after- can be so hated at the same time? Everyone wants to understand you, but no one seems to like you. That is hard to accomplish, so hat's off to you my soon-to-be friend.

He's kinda creepy I think.
He's kinda creepy I think.

I wish I knew what it takes to be in your top ten friend list. Those ten people must be pretty special to you. It’s like Jesus and his twelve apostles. Wikipedia, Dictionary, About, YouTube, Facebook, GOV, and others seem to be your closest allies.

Do you know that I even used you to try and figure out YOU?

All I really learned is that you have some pet spider you use to do all your bidding. Is he black and white too? He must be a very special pet- hardworking too. Your spider doesn’t like copycats right? I learned that too. I’m not a copycat you know.

Anyway, if your spider happens to find my letter, please let me know a proper address and name to which I can send an invitation for you to come to dinner.

Sincerely,

Julie DeNeen

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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Great stuff. Google tells us what they want us to know. They have painted themselves into a virtual corner by claiming to be our web arbiter, and we let them do it.

      Look for the government to take them down, probably when a Senator's wife can't get her thrift shop in the Top 10 Results. It's happened before: Microsoft and IBM got too big to leave alone.

    • adjkp25 profile image

      David 5 years ago from Northern California

      Hilarious. I like to think I am an animal person but all of these Google choices have me second guessing my love for animals. Maybe I just need to realize that they are just giving the animals a bad name?

      Voted up and funny

    • First Colony profile image

      First Colony 5 years ago

      This is so creative and funny (and true, oh so true). I also find it interesting that in the "Discover More Hubs" section, there are several hubs about race and racism listed. Is that because you mentioned black and white? Interesting. Or are you biased against pandas?

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @sunshine- LOL- let me know if FB responds :)

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Your letter is awesome! I hope you get a reply. I'm still waiting for Facebook to reply to mine, well actually I'm waiting on a lot of replies. Haha! Fab hub Julie!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @ds- will do :)

    • DS Duby profile image

      DS Duby 5 years ago from United States, Illinois

      lmao great letter that I'm sure we would all love an answer to. Voted up, awesome and funny. and if you get that answer be sure to share.

    • howlermunkey profile image

      Jeff Boettner 5 years ago from Tampa, FL

      "of course you do...you and dictionary.com are in bed together"..lmao.

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 5 years ago

      LOL! That title brought me straight to your hub. I wrote a ranting hub about how to decode my darn hubpages scoring and I did get my share of more followers. You are as funny as we are. Thnking about Panda why do they keep it either white or black, like that pinguin? Who will be next? A Dalmatian update?

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 5 years ago from the South

      So funny! I made up my mind to just go ahead and do my thing and totally ignore Google. I do all the SEO stuff and hope for the best, but try not to even think about it. There's nothing we can do about it anyway. Great hub!

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 5 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      hehehe Julie.. I second the motion, on the Queen of creative ideas for hubs by J. hehehe.i love it

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Julie,

      Aww, thanks you are too kind! I enjoy your work! You seem to be the Queen of creative ideas for hubs these days! :)

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @joanveronica- Oh yes, can't forget him!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @ttombs- thank you! can I ask (newbie question coming), what does VUMS mean? :)

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @billybuc- thank you! I'll invite you dinner if he replies..and I'll make a taco bar! LOL

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      @josh- Thanks! I'm glad you thought it was funny..you seem to be the King of funny these days :P :)

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Julie,

      This was hilarious! I think many of us are in the same boat when it comes to wondering what this "man" really is, LOL I was cracking up Julie! Clever idea for a hub!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Very funny Julie! Let me know if you ever meet this cat; I'd like to have a word or two with him myself. Very imaginative hub!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Julie! This was outstanding! I loved it and laughed all the way though! Oh, if ONLY we could sit down with Mr. Algorithm and ask him what he wants out of a relationship...so like a man, isn't he?! :) VUMS!

    • joanveronica profile image

      Joan Veronica Robertson 5 years ago from Concepcion, Chile

      Hi, this was a fun read! But quite true at the same time. You forgot one detail, "he" also has a close relative called Hard-to-Get Adsense. Voted Up, funny and interesting.

    • Julie DeNeen profile image
      Author

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      yes he is. I've nearly given up trying to understand the ins and outs of google...too much for my mind!

    • Daughter Of Maat profile image

      Melissa Flagg OSC 5 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      lmao very nice! And so true. Mr Capricious Algorithm is quite moody and very finicky! Voted up and awesome!

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