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Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey

Updated on June 12, 2012

The Wisdom of A Wise Man...Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey has written several books, and has been was featured Saturday Night Live for several years. He has recently written articles in The New Yorker. Jack Handey is an amazing philosopher - much like Confucius in his life changing and profound quotes, except less life changing and less profound.

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

"I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and 'rogue' sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, 'Regular time?' And they'd say, 'Yeah.' And I'd say, 'Sorry, all I have is rogue time.' It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy."

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."

"After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'"

What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats

What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats
What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats

Jack Handey is one of America's favorite humorists, from his New Yorker pieces to his Deep Thoughts books and Saturday Night Live sketches. Now, in What I'd Say to the Martians, Handey regales readers with his incredible wit and wacky musings.


"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

"I wish a robot would get elected president, that way when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'"

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"

“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."

"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."

"If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors."

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

Deep Thoughts Book of Postcards


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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Dear Mr. Handy,

      Please stop publishing Deep Thoughts. Instead, please send them to me and I will publish them under my name. Then, before I die, I will leave all the income from publishing "my" Deep Thoughts to your designated heirs. That way no one can sue you and get all your assets. Trust me. This will work.

    • hessa johnson profile image

      hessa johnson 6 years ago

      I remember when he was on SNL a long time ago. I even bought (and saved) his greeting cards. This lens brings back a lot of memories - thank you!

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      anonymous 8 years ago

      Do you know what's funnier than Jack Handey? I was genuinely asking a question and you just stare at me as if I'm going to answer it myself.

      Does anybody know how to get original videos of his deep thoughts? I can't find them anywhere.

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      anonymous 9 years ago

      I think Jack Handey's thoughts are great because they are basically what many of us feel but are afraid to say out loud.

      Often I want to tell my own children that the reason it is cloudy and rainy is because they made the sun mad or that grandpa is getting old so that they can be young.

      My own childhood was filled with sarcasm and truths which is often the same. Go to and do a search for 'Matzah Sushi' and you can see what it was like growing up as Jewish Japanese kid in Los Angeles.

      Let's just say that I felt a little guilt about Pearl Harbor while trying at the same time to be a nice Jewish girl. It dodn't always work out.

    • chefkeem profile image

      Achim Thiemermann 9 years ago from Austin, Texas

      I love this guy! Always have - always will. Unless he becomes unloveable, for some reason. 5*

    • Lewister profile image

      Susan 9 years ago from Texas