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Deputy Cletus and The Great Cheese Heist

Updated on April 26, 2020
jimagain profile image

The opinions in this article are those of the writer. My dog reserves the right to dispute any and all of the following.

The crime scene

Sometimes a crime happens so brilliant, so audacious that it boggles the mind. This isn't one of those times. This is one where someone gets taken in by their own schemes. Maybe it was the prospect of illicit gain that clouds the judgment? In any case, this is the Case Of The Incompetent Thief.

The crime to which I refer takes place while we're home alone, me and Cletus! Cletus is our neurotic Great Dane ...and otherwise free-loading canine co-habitant. Categorically speaking, Cletus is a 'dog' and not 'human', not that you might ever convince him of that. Most of the time he is the resident couch-hog but on occasion, he demonstrates his impressive protective skills. Lunging up off the couch, he can go from a barely comatose lethargic stupor to vicious, snarling brute. He springs in a instant, ears cocked, hair of his back bristling, barking fiercely... and once again the world is safe from the mail man and meter-readers. Go back to sleep, Cletus. It's the garbage collector!

It's 1 A.M. In the dark of the night, silhouetted by the glare of the street light, a nefarious profile can be seen tip-toeing past the sleeping dog and into the kitchen.

A crime in progress

Back to the impending crime. Some time after we've gone to bed, as Cletus is dreaming sweet doggie-dreams, the perpetrator strikes. It's 1 A.M. In the dark of the night, silhouetted by the glare of the street light, a nefarious profile can be seen tip-toeing past the sleeping dog. The lurking figure? It's me.

Into the kitchen I slink. A cheese heist is in progress! I carefully pry open the refrigerator door without a creak or a squeak while sneaking a peek behind me. Cletus hasn't budged, still sprawled across the couch. Keeping one eye open I ever so carefully peel that crinkly plastic wrapper off the sliced cheese without a sound.

Mmm! There it is! One glorious thin slice of homogenized, pasteurized, hydrogenated genuine imitation cheese & Yellow No. 6 food coloring.

Success! I breathe a self-congratulatory sigh of silent relief, carefully close the door to the fridge with my delicate prize in hand …and there he stands! Face to face with Cletus and his patented accusing look! We stare at each other silently. Stupid cellophane wrapper! Silent perhaps to the untrained ear but to Cletus, it may as well have been a clanging bell! He doesn't say a thing. He doesn't have to. But he may as well say in his best Joe Friday monotone, "Put down that slice of cheese, and step away from the fridge!"

Suddenly an ear cocks, an eyelid springs open, and a large nose begins to search the olfactory sensory network for detectable smells. "Sniff, sniff?!! I smell ...cheese!

The cost of business

Two minutes prior...

Listen closely. In case you could hear the sound I cannot, it is the barely perceptible sound of a refrigerator door opening. The breaking of the seal of the gasket, the resultant sigh of air rushing in to fill the vacuum... to the untrained ear it is almost subliminal but to Cletus it may as well be a siren. Suddenly an ear cocks, an eyelid springs open, and a large nose begins to search the olfactory sensory network for detectable smells. "Sniff, sniff?!! I smell ...cheese!"

I only thought myself stealthy. I look up ...and there he is. Busted!

50/50. That's the time-honored traditional split between crooks & thieves ...or in my case, a not-so-good thief and the one that promises not to tell. We split the take before momma catches us raiding the fridge. That's the cost of business. I may as well be trying to pilfer to gold bars from Fort Knox!

Move over, Mc Gruff! I've been apprehended by Deputy Cletus!

© 2011 Jim Henderson


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    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      13 months ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thank you Holland! Sorry for just now seeing your comment. May your readers not be as discourteous as I.

      I had unpublished this and just now brought it back. Thanks again from jimagain

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I usually do not write a lot of rsseoneps,however i did a few searching and wound up here What are Backlinks and how you should use it while maintaining your website.And I do have 2 questions for you if it's allright. Is it just me or does it look like some of these comments come across as if they are coming from brain dead individuals? And, if you are posting on additional online sites, I'd like to follow anything fresh you have to post.Would you list of the complete urls of your communal pageslike your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I was curious if you ever thguoht of changing the structure of your site? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or 2 pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      What an awesome way to explain this-now I know evniethryg!

    • jimagain profile imageAUTHOR

      Jim Henderson 

      10 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks AngRose!! I am grateful that you read this and astounded that you liked it. Amos sounds like a really great companion! I think Labs are incredible. Before Cletus, our last dog was a short-haired blonde lab named Rebel. Maybe you will write a Hub about Amos? Be sure to let me know if you do. Thanks again. Now I'd better see what Cletus is up to?

    • AngRose profile image


      10 years ago

      You have Cletus, I have Amos. Amos is a 95 pound chocolate lab who thinks cheese was invented just for us to feed to him. You crinkle that wrapper, you'll hear nails skittering across the wood faster than you can shove that cheese-like food into your mouth! Great hub, you're a great writer Jim! Voted up!


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