ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Deputy Cletus and The Great Cheese Heist

Updated on August 12, 2011

Sometimes a crime happens so brilliant, so audacious that it boggles the mind. This isn't one of those times. This is one where someone gets taken in by their own schemes. Maybe it was the prospect of illicit gain that clouds the judgment? In any case, this is the Case Of The Incompetent Thief.

The crime to which I refer takes place while we're home alone, me and Cletus! Cletus is our neurotic Great Dane ...and otherwise free-loading canine co-habitant. Categorically speaking, Cletus is a 'dog' and not 'human', not that you might ever convince him of that. Most of the time he is the resident couch-hog but on occasion, he demonstrates his impressive protective skills. Lunging up off the couch, he can go from a barely comatose lethargic stupor to vicious, snarling brute. He springs in a instant, ears cocked, hair of his back bristling, barking fiercely... and once again the world is safe from the mail man and meter-readers. Go back to sleep, Cletus. It's the garbage collector!

Back to the impending crime. Some time after we've gone to bed, as Cletusis dreaming sweet doggie-dreams, the perpetrator strikes. It's 1 A.M. In the dark of the night, silhouetted by the glare of the street light, a nefarious profile can be seen tip-toeing past the sleeping dog. The lurking figure? It's me. Into the kitchen I slink. A cheese heist is in progress! I carefully pry open the refrigerator door without a creak or a squeak while sneaking a peek back. Cletus hasn't moved, still sprawled out across the couch. Keeping one eye open I ever so carefully peel that crinkly plastic wrapper off the sliced cheese without a sound. Mmmm! There it is! One glorious thin slice of homogenized, pasteurized, hydrogenated genuine imitation cheese & Yellow No. 6 food coloring. Success! I breathe a self-congratulatory sigh of silent relief, carefully close the door to the fridge with my delicate prize in hand ...and there he stands! Face to face with Cletus and his patented accusing look! We stare at each other silently. Stupid cellophane wrapper! Silent perhaps to the untrained ear but to Cletus, it may as well have been a clanging bell and a ringing alarm! He doesn't say a thing. He doesn't have to. But he may as well say in his best Joe Friday monotone, "Put down that slice of cheese, and step away from the fridge!"

Two minutes prior...

Listen closely. In case you could hear the sound I cannot, it is the barely perceptible sound of a refrigerator door opening. The breaking of the seal of the gasket, the resultant sigh of air rushing in to fill the vacuum... to the untrained ear it is almost subliminal but to Cletus it may as well be a siren. Suddenly an ear cocks, an eyelid springs open, and a large nose begins to search the olfactory sensory network for detectable smells. "Sniff, sniff?!! I smell ...cheese!"

I only thought myself stealthy. I look up ...and there he is. Busted!

50/50. That's the time-honored traditional split between crooks & thieves ...or in my case, a not-so-good thief and the one that promises not to tell. We split the take before momma catches us raiding the fridge. That's the cost of business. I may as well be trying to pilfer to gold bars out of Fort Knox! Move over, Mc Gruff! I've been apprehended by Deputy Cletus!

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Holland 3 years ago

      What an awesome way to explain this-now I know evniethryg!

    • jimagain profile image
      Author

      jimagain 7 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      Thanks AngRose!! I am grateful that you read this and astounded that you liked it. Amos sounds like a really great companion! I think Labs are incredible. Before Cletus, our last dog was a short-haired blonde lab named Rebel. Maybe you will write a Hub about Amos? Be sure to let me know if you do. Thanks again. Now I'd better see what Cletus is up to?

    • AngRose profile image

      AngRose 7 years ago

      You have Cletus, I have Amos. Amos is a 95 pound chocolate lab who thinks cheese was invented just for us to feed to him. You crinkle that wrapper, you'll hear nails skittering across the wood faster than you can shove that cheese-like food into your mouth! Great hub, you're a great writer Jim! Voted up!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)