ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Disgusting Fast Foods

Updated on November 3, 2010

Disgusting Fast Foods

You can't turn on the television or surf the Internet without some hand-wringing self-righteous flat-Earther telling you that everything you eat except raw celery is going to kill you tomorrow. Walk outside and be attacked by government-sponsored advertising designed to coerce you into eating healthy. It's all good (except the taste) but the folks who look out for us have overlooked several fast food categories. There's some stuff that we humans (this article is directed at humans - if you are a cow, or one of those machines that eats cars at the junkyard, please stop reading now) simply aren't meant to consume. Watch out for these items next time you hit the drive-through or attend a really bad Super Bowl party.

We're here to help.

Dirt

There's not much faster food than dirt. It requires almost no preparation, it's readily available, (unless you live in New York City or out in the ocean), it's cheap, and it comes in many varieties. Unfortunately, it's not good for you. Sure, some varieties are chock full of minerals (that being pretty much what dirt is made of), but the average dirt is sorely lacking in fiber and carbohydrates. You simply cannot get a balanced meal from a pile of dirt. Beware of third-party dirt additives from late-night infomercial pitchmen who are only looking to make a quick buck at the expense of dirt aficionados.

Gutter Water

Simply put, gutter water is disgusting. Obviously it contains water, but the benefits of the water is almost always outweighed by the flotsam and jetsam. You're better off spending $5 on a 16 ounce bottle of Evian. Have you ever noticed the stuff that floats past you, carried in the gutter water? Streets are dirty and the dirt in the streets is washed away by water that eventually ends up in the gutter. Resist the temptation to scoop up a cup of gutter water in your USC 2005 National Championship coffee mug: it's simply not worth the effort to bend over.

Newspaper

Despite the advent of soy-based inks, newspaper still represents the epitome of disgusting fast foods. Don't be taken in by the easy preparation or the Sunday color supplements. It's all gross. Any flavor that may be imparted by the glossy coating of the Christmas advertising inserts is almost certainly negated by the fact that you are eating a tree, for goodness sake. The Gathering of Employed and Enraged Scientists (GEEK) has come down squarely against eating newspaper, as has the Foundation for Online Omnivore Legitimacy (FOOL) and the Steel Worker's Union, which has no catchy acronym but still insists on being part of the debate.

Tupperware-like Containers

You know how, if you leave food in a container that's not Tupperware but similar in appearance to Tupperware, the food will eventually stain the container and the smell of the food will permeate the surface of the container, which pretty much ruins that container for storing anything else except that original food?

Well, don't eat the container. That's disgusting. It might seem convenient and fast, but it's disgusting.

Conclusion

Only eat foods that are approved by the government or by scientists in white lab coats. If it tastes good, run away because it will probably kill you tomorrow or in 50 years.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)