Disgusting Fast Foods

You can't turn on the television or surf the Internet without some hand-wringing self-righteous flat-Earther telling you that everything you eat except raw celery is going to kill you tomorrow. Walk outside and be attacked by government-sponsored advertising designed to coerce you into eating healthy. It's all good (except the taste) but the folks who look out for us have overlooked several fast food categories. There's some stuff that we humans (this article is directed at humans - if you are a cow, or one of those machines that eats cars at the junkyard, please stop reading now) simply aren't meant to consume. Watch out for these items next time you hit the drive-through or attend a really bad Super Bowl party.

We're here to help.

There's not much faster food than dirt. It requires almost no preparation, it's readily available, (unless you live in New York City or out in the ocean), it's cheap, and it comes in many varieties. Unfortunately, it's not good for you. Sure, some varieties are chock full of minerals (that being pretty much what dirt is made of), but the average dirt is sorely lacking in fiber and carbohydrates. You simply cannot get a balanced meal from a pile of dirt. Beware of third-party dirt additives from late-night infomercial pitchmen who are only looking to make a quick buck at the expense of dirt aficionados.

Simply put, gutter water is disgusting. Obviously it contains water, but the benefits of the water is almost always outweighed by the flotsam and jetsam. You're better off spending $5 on a 16 ounce bottle of Evian. Have you ever noticed the stuff that floats past you, carried in the gutter water? Streets are dirty and the dirt in the streets is washed away by water that eventually ends up in the gutter. Resist the temptation to scoop up a cup of gutter water in your USC 2005 National Championship coffee mug: it's simply not worth the effort to bend over.

Despite the advent of soy-based inks, newspaper still represents the epitome of disgusting fast foods. Don't be taken in by the easy preparation or the Sunday color supplements. It's all gross. Any flavor that may be imparted by the glossy coating of the Christmas advertising inserts is almost certainly negated by the fact that you are eating a tree, for goodness sake. The Gathering of Employed and Enraged Scientists (GEEK) has come down squarely against eating newspaper, as has the Foundation for Online Omnivore Legitimacy (FOOL) and the Steel Worker's Union, which has no catchy acronym but still insists on being part of the debate.

You know how, if you leave food in a container that's not Tupperware but similar in appearance to Tupperware, the food will eventually stain the container and the smell of the food will permeate the surface of the container, which pretty much ruins that container for storing anything else except that original food?

Well, don't eat the container. That's disgusting. It might seem convenient and fast, but it's disgusting.

Only eat foods that are approved by the government or by scientists in white lab coats. If it tastes good, run away because it will probably kill you tomorrow or in 50 years.