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Disgusting Fast Foods

Updated on November 3, 2010

Disgusting Fast Foods

You can't turn on the television or surf the Internet without some hand-wringing self-righteous flat-Earther telling you that everything you eat except raw celery is going to kill you tomorrow. Walk outside and be attacked by government-sponsored advertising designed to coerce you into eating healthy. It's all good (except the taste) but the folks who look out for us have overlooked several fast food categories. There's some stuff that we humans (this article is directed at humans - if you are a cow, or one of those machines that eats cars at the junkyard, please stop reading now) simply aren't meant to consume. Watch out for these items next time you hit the drive-through or attend a really bad Super Bowl party.

We're here to help.

Dirt

There's not much faster food than dirt. It requires almost no preparation, it's readily available, (unless you live in New York City or out in the ocean), it's cheap, and it comes in many varieties. Unfortunately, it's not good for you. Sure, some varieties are chock full of minerals (that being pretty much what dirt is made of), but the average dirt is sorely lacking in fiber and carbohydrates. You simply cannot get a balanced meal from a pile of dirt. Beware of third-party dirt additives from late-night infomercial pitchmen who are only looking to make a quick buck at the expense of dirt aficionados.

Gutter Water

Simply put, gutter water is disgusting. Obviously it contains water, but the benefits of the water is almost always outweighed by the flotsam and jetsam. You're better off spending $5 on a 16 ounce bottle of Evian. Have you ever noticed the stuff that floats past you, carried in the gutter water? Streets are dirty and the dirt in the streets is washed away by water that eventually ends up in the gutter. Resist the temptation to scoop up a cup of gutter water in your USC 2005 National Championship coffee mug: it's simply not worth the effort to bend over.

Newspaper

Despite the advent of soy-based inks, newspaper still represents the epitome of disgusting fast foods. Don't be taken in by the easy preparation or the Sunday color supplements. It's all gross. Any flavor that may be imparted by the glossy coating of the Christmas advertising inserts is almost certainly negated by the fact that you are eating a tree, for goodness sake. The Gathering of Employed and Enraged Scientists (GEEK) has come down squarely against eating newspaper, as has the Foundation for Online Omnivore Legitimacy (FOOL) and the Steel Worker's Union, which has no catchy acronym but still insists on being part of the debate.

Tupperware-like Containers

You know how, if you leave food in a container that's not Tupperware but similar in appearance to Tupperware, the food will eventually stain the container and the smell of the food will permeate the surface of the container, which pretty much ruins that container for storing anything else except that original food?

Well, don't eat the container. That's disgusting. It might seem convenient and fast, but it's disgusting.

Conclusion

Only eat foods that are approved by the government or by scientists in white lab coats. If it tastes good, run away because it will probably kill you tomorrow or in 50 years.

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    • mulberry1 profile image

      mulberry1 6 years ago

      Which category does glue and paste fall into?

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Wayne Brown : Those are true friends!

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

      My cousins and I use to sample the light dust that collected in the flange lip of car wheels after they have been running down a dirt road....it was quite tasty but a bit gritty! WB

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      This reminds me of the stories my father and grandfather used to tell me, about how hard they had it in the old days and all they had to eat was dirt. And they were thankful for that dirt!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      My motto: Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

      Pass the Newspaper please.

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

      nicomp,

      Stop being so picky. I'm sure you've heard of the 5 second rule for hard food well I use the 5 minute rule for spaghetti or any other food or beverage if the mop is clean!!!!!!!!!!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Do you men to tell me that you don't enjoy eating newspapers?