Do Atheists Exist?

Ah, the atheist! The topic of our dialectic today seems to harbor hatred against a non-entity whom he claims to not exist. But how can you hate some One whom you do not believe is there? In order to hate GOD, would He not have to exist? Does hating GOD ultimately prove His existence? I suppose if I myself were grasping at evidence, contrived or otherwise, to buttress my desire to believe in God, I would look no further than the vitriol of His disputers. Rather than to indulge in prolonging a controversy that precedes my own existence and will doubtless be debated long I expire, I choose to ponder another aspect of the controversy; do atheists exist?

Before we consider my hypothesis any further, let me caution my fellow theists; lest we dislocate our arms in a metaphorical hyper-extended self-congratulatory pat on the back solely because we believe in God. I suspect God is not impressed simply by virtue of our profession. Fortunately for God, many people today still believe in Him despite those of us who claim to.

It seems any time we have some debate about the existence of God, the question of creation versus evolution presents itself. So to add to the confusion without resolving anything I shall present this brief analysis of the issue. I shan't bore you with further arguments about which came first; the chicken or the egg -not so hard to solve if you choose not to think about it! The answer is... we will never know because immediately afterwards somebody made fried chicken and an omelet. And that is why the preacher and the scientist cannot prove either!

Forget the Big Bang Theory. I think of it more easily explained as the Rabbit-that-pulled-itself-out-a-Hat theory. Think about it! How much indisputable evidence to this undeniable fact is exhibited on a daily basis? Who needs factories and assembly lines when things just happen daily which can only be explained by random chance ...and the inexplicable laws of gravity that orchestrate complex structures from random bits of nothingness ...spontaneously! Frankly, that's all the evidence I need! But just in case somebody smarter than me can successfully refute my Theory of Incredibly Complex Stuff Arising From Random Chaos, I have already formulated a back up theory to explain why we do not need a Creator to account for all the incredibly complicated structures of life teeming around. Note that I did not refer to these organized forms of life as 'creation' since that would have been an unfair assumption on my part.

In the absence of viable alternatives to the binary conflict that defines and pervades the discussion, I've managed to convince myself that alien life forms would be a more suitable explanation of the punctuated equilibrium of life and technological advances displayed through history of mankind. This theory makes the necessity of a Divine Being non-essential in the event of the collapse of the theory of evolution. Whew! I am so relieved because all this talk of 'God' with its concomitant presumptions of judgement and eternal destiny tends to make me uneasy!

But enough brilliant analysis! I shall resume my commentary to the subject, Do Atheists Exist? Let me frame the problem in it's proper context; If God does not exist, where do atheists come from? Here is how I think it may have happened...

Apparently this Darwin fellow created evolution, so I figure maybe atheists evolved from the same inchoate balls of cosmic gas that gave birth to matter & the universe. According to Stephen Hawking, gravity was the only law of physics required to orchestrate & synthesize the entire physical universe. This is a pretty big step up for gravity because until Isaac Newton, all we thought it was good for was to explain why apples fell out of trees. Come to think of it, the less you know about something, the easier it is to take quantum leaps of illogic. So maybe a few random facts about gravity would be conveniently sufficient to fabricate convenient theories from... from more inchoate balls of gas, I guess? This is extremely convenient because at the time all the universe just happened to appear out of nothingness, it would be several billion years later before scientists would be invented. This is why I refuse to believe in Intelligent Design since I have yet to find any correlation statistically or otherwise to connect intelligence with modern mankind. I've been forced to accept random chaos as the only viable non-theological substitute to creation.

Things were too way too simple back then because everybody believed in God; so government regulations regarding the separation of church and state along with the Bureau of Separation of Truth From Facts had to invent theologians. Theologians quickly complicated things and really made a mess pretending to represent God while inflicting needless pain on the remainder of humanity. Apparently most theists were more interested in re-packaging their private concept of God for personal gain than representing the Deity. Shortly thereafter all the scientists and theists could get together and engage in endless debates about which came first; the chicken or the egg? Neither group proved any thing but were more concerned with ridiculing the other. Both groups subsequently emerged with egg on their face.

Then the philosophers came along, like Nietzsche who decreed God is dead. Later on Nietzsche died. Shortly after he died, he found out whether or not his postulate about God was correct. However the rest of us are still waiting to hear the verdict. I can only guess how this all turned out since God has not told me yet. Don't bother consulting any of the televangelists about it. After watching them, I am positive God has nothing to do with any of those guys.

Before we had philosophers, educators had to construct categories like Superstition and Mythology so we could classify theology. Fortunately we no longer have to rely on religious charlatans to dupe humanity since the government and media are so much more proficient in this.

Sometime thereafter, scientists were invented. I think, someone must have invented brains so we could be smarter than God. As knowledge accumulated and technology advanced exponentially this became a necessity. Mankind had arbitrarily already convinced himself that 'God' could not possibly be more intelligent than his creatures. This would have been the ideal time to disprove Intelligent Design but by that time the universe was already in place.

If you're tired of trying to figure all this out, just turn on the TV and let your brain rot in HD technology. That way you won't have to think about life & death & the existence of God. Fortunately for those of us who prefer not to engage in the cerebral effort and the incumbent fatigue required by honest investigation, Hollywood intervened. Using the platform of advanced technology, the entertainment industry was able to provide that segment of the populace that prefers to not be bothered with the difficulty of thinking with an alternative to thought; i.e., amusement. This was done in order to relieve formerly sentient beings of the hardship that accompanies arduous thought. thereby reversing centuries of forward evolutionary progress, rescinding modern man to the lesser forms of sapien advance. Endless commercials and sitcoms and cable news networks; this may explain the reduced mental capacities of the Neanderthal progenitors.

The good news is by the time you get older they'll be able to pump HDTV directly into your occipital lobe so you won't have to hunt for your remote. This is useful since by then you won't be able to find your remote due to short term memory loss, anyway. If the medical community and the entertainment industry would get together, think of all the trouble and money we could save! If they hook up an EEG to your TV signal, they will know the moment you become brain dead, i.e., indefinite period of a total lack of brain activity - sitcoms & infomercials excluded. Then they could just unplug you, which will save time for the morticians. Come to think of it, we can eliminate the entire medical community by replacing them with the cable company; in the process we can finally provide free health insurance for all. You wont need a power chair if they can just hook you up in your recliner with HDTV with an IV & a catheter; you won't even have to get up to go get something to eat or run to the bathroom. Add maybe a defibrillator, that way if your heart were to quit working before you pay your cable bill... your cable bill?!! Well, there goes my free medical health care idea!

But I digress ...in case you are fortunate enough to be cremated and have your ashes sent into outer space, not only will you get better satellite signal strength and reception but you will also get to participate in the next Big Bang event. Unless they happen to run out of inchoate balls of gas! In any case you will have 3.8 billion years before they get around to invent HDTV again all over again.

I am convinced evolution occurred, the only thing that remains to be disputed is which direction are we going? All this makes me ponder whether we've been here before.

In the meantime, don't expect any help from God regarding proof of His existence. As of yet, no one has had any response from God disputing the atheists claim. Perhaps He is too busy being concerned with things that really matter than debating the obvious. Maybe the only evidence available is to not engage in endless arguments but rather demonstrate your belief by putting it to use?

And since we, the rational subset of humanity that agrees with those who agree with our own selves, convinced of our own superiority we can summarily dismiss any opinions to the contrary. As intelligent beings, as evidenced by the preponderance of our intelligence, we had already collectively convinced ourselves that 'God' is merely a vestigial accoutrement of simpler times unfettered by critical thought. This incontrovertible conclusion brings us to unassailable proof that 'God' does not exist, which by extension means neither do atheists. All of which conveniently brings back to where I started. Do atheists exist?

I propose we resolve this debate once for all so humanity can get on with the paltry business of existing in a world without meaning or purpose. This will leave us with the luxury to ponder more meaningful questions, such as, Where did I leave my remote?

It seems to me the best we can arrive to through logic is some argument based on circular reasoning, which in the past has often been mistaken for intelligent thought. My solution is we pick an atheist and a theist and let them play leap frog over each other until they both join Nietzsche in the 'Whatever-after.'

Nietzsche can inform both which of them was right!

At that point the entire debate will be moot.