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Don't Eat The Coffee Table!

Updated on April 26, 2020
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Jim is an accomplished writer with many great literary achievements, most of which he simply made up.

Not as easy as it looks!
Not as easy as it looks!

Welcome To My World!

To say that our family is dysfunctional is probably an understatement. I don't mean that in a bad way; we just tend to, shall we say, 'color outside the lines' when it comes to family decorum. We're just not like regular people. Furniture and belongings lie carefully arranged in haphazard disarray, strewn about in the decor of Early Sanitarium. Life, like our yard, has all the organization of a game of 52 card pick-up. And we're comfortable with it that way.

Welcome to my world!

Come on in. Go ahead and leave your propriety outside the door with your shoes - you're not going to need either here. I don't want to imply that we're crazy but then I'm pretty sure Mr. Rogers would soon have traded in his sweater for a straight-jacket.

Our family unit consists of one wife, a husband, three kids, and one neurotic Great Dane. Me? I'm the husband. Or as my wife normally refers to me, child number 4. I hesitate to use the words 'family' and 'unit' in the same sentence because the word unit somehow implies cohesiveness and cooperation, neither of which are likely to be seen around here.

Life, like our front yard, has all the organization of a game of 52 card pick-up.

My somewhat neurotic canine cohabitant

And then there's Cletus! Cletus is our somewhat neurotic dog; six foot, 120 pounds of Great Dane. As soon as I walk through the door, my wife cheerfully greets me with a sullen glare while our somber-faced, super-sized canine cohabitant struggles to extract himself from the couch.

Someone's glad to see me and I'm about to get my usual obligatory 'welcome home' hug, whether I want it or not. No, not from the wife! My wife is a little less exuberant at my arrival.

You again?!!"

Yep. that's her! Right where I left her the recliner.

Back to my hug! Six foot of over-grown chihuahua has reared up on his back legs, put his paws across my shoulders, and is now staring down at me ...with an accusing look of, "How could you have left me?!!"

The kids, three boys -all grown- tend to filter in sometime after they all get off work. The closer you get to supper the more likely they are to show up, in no particular order. That's us! Me, the wife, three boys, and Cletus! Did I already mention that Cletus is our somewhat neurotic dog?

Our family ...we're drawn to mayhem like a celebrity to rehab!

Number three son just pulled up in the driveway. You can tell it's him by the loud muffler on his truck. That, and him blowing that old air horn on his truck he found in the garage last week. He only does it to irritate his momma.

Cletus is barking at the commotion outside, or is it the commotion inside? I can't tell?!! Momma's fussin' at the dog and number three son for disturbing the neighbors, while I focus on more important things, like watching the next contestant get clobbered on a TV game show. At supper time, we all gather 'round the TV trays' and gobble down macaroni & cheese or left-over pizza.

Look out, somebody just knocked over a TV tray. Nacho's went everywhere! We can't afford a maid but the Cletus keeps the floor clean!

"Cletus! Cletus, Don't eat the coffee table!"

Sorry 'bout the outburst, folks! Don't fret now, it's just a normal night at home. Yep, that's us, alright! We're drawn to mayhem like a celebrity to rehab.

Next to us, Monday night rasslin' looks like a state dinner at the White House

Well, I hope you enjoyed your visit here. Sorry about the dog chewing a hole in your shoe. Hope that nervous twitch gets better! Come by and visit again when you can stand more.

© 2010 Jim Henderson


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