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Excrement, Inc. Homepage

Updated on July 8, 2008

WELCOME!

Welcome to the Excrement, Inc. Homepage. Thank you for checking out our informative webpage and clicking on the link. We at Excrement, Inc. appreciate your taking the time to come see the marvels we have to offer you. There are several programs available to you, all of which are easy to learn and quick to earn. All you need is the instructional guide we provide at almost no cost to you at all.

Below are some of our primary programs, and an outline of how the affiliate system can work for you. Please take your time and don't hesitate to contact one of our crap professionals if you have any questions at all. And don't forget: crap is the key!

The Programs

Program 1: Crap Affiliate

For $39.95 we will give you crap absolutely free. We promise that the crap you get from us will be of the highest quality. We are confident that our crap is the best and we have an absolute policy on money back guarantees. This is the most basic of our programs.

Program 2: Crap Mentor

For $79.95 you can become a crap mentor and help distribute crap across the Internet to your family and your friends. Each new affiliate that you bring into Excrement, Inc. counts on your "dollop chart" where we record your Excrement, Inc. "droppings points." Yes, we at Excrement, Inc. like to have fun while we make our fortunes off of you. Your efforts, obviously being what we mean.

 

Program 3: Crap Master

This is the third highest level of crap you can reach. To become a crap master you must meet all the requirements of Programs 1 and 2, AND, you must become completely conversant with all the nuances of the Excrement, Inc Crap4Gas program. You will need a crap master kit to begin, which includes all of the following:

The following materials are required:

.

  1. The official Crap4Gas handbook ..................................................................... $39.95
  2. Excrement, Inc. Sani-plus Crap-gatherer mitts ............. $19.95
  3. Scent-o-Sweet Excrement, Inc. high-tech respiratory shields ...........................................................................$48.95 per box
  4. *Excrement, Inc. Z13 Crap Scooper deluxe ....................$11.95
  5. Excrement, Inc. virgin vinyl, ultra-tough methane conductive tubes .............................................................................$09.95 per box
  6. Excrement, Inc. high capacity crap tank ........................ $23.95

*Act now and receive a bonus Crap Scooper Deluxe at NO CHARGE with your order

If you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room by hawt chicks or hawt guys, this is the program for you.

How it works:

Once you have purchased your complete kit, you will find instructions on how to harvest crap in your house and around your neighborhood. Step by step, illustrated guidelines show you how to properly pack crap into your high capacity crap tank, route your methane tubes into your vehicle's fuel rail and ultimately save our world (not to mention a few bucks at the pump).

We hope you like money and privilege and being gawked at from across the room.

Program 4: Crap Ninja

For $1000.00 we will automatically send you everything you need for Programs 1-3 AND we will send you a special Excrement, Inc. ninja suit to wear whenever you leave the house. This stunning ensemble announces to all the world that you have moved past simple crap mastery and now carry the status of ninja instead. Your powers will be formidable and no one will dare cross crap with you. This is a position of power that promises access to anything you want, including saving kittens, puppies and even babies across the world. This is the most desirable Program and should be considered carefully. Be sure you are willing to have this much attention from members of the opposite sex, because as a crap ninja, you will need all your focus to stave their groping hands and open checkbooks off. They aren't just gawking anymore!

We can't promise this last part we're about to bring up, but we believe it is possible that crap ninja's receive occasional emails from God. What can we say? It's just one of those inexplicable things.

Isn't it Obvious?

Excrement, Inc. would like to thank you for coming by and looking at all the exciting things we have to offer you. We appreciate your business too. Please, if you are paying by check, make sure there are adequate funds in your account.

For your convenience, we do offer a program granting us unlimited access to your bank account so that you don't have to be troubled to make payments to your account with us should you need more crap. Oh, and obviously we would be using that to pay you all your huge rewards too when they manifest, which obviously they will for sure.

Thanks again, and have a lovely day.

--The Management

Comments

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    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      LOL. Uhm, yes, I've checked with our payments department, they've been busy, most of them are pooped, but I found one of them sitting on a stool in the lunch room, and he explained that your account was flush, and, due to inactivity has been wiped from our records.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 5 years ago from Hell, MI

      Hey! It's been 2 years since I was last paid any commission. What gives? Did Excrement inc. go down the crapper? Did you liquidate your assets? Did you evacuate or just move to a more effluent area? Somebody let me know what's going on here. I was depending on that income to feed my Shih Tzu!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Jane, that's not really in keeping with the... erm... emissions we favor here, but we do appreciate your enthusiasm. :)

      Lorlie, all prices are as listed, although we do offer a volume discount for orders over 1000 cases.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      How much do you charge for those lovely mitts?

    • Jane@CM profile image

      Jane@CM 7 years ago

      Damn, I just about peed my pants.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      LOL

      WB, you absent bastard. Boy do you have a lot of reading to catch up on. Some fun stuff out there. PGrundy has the world crashing down on us, Brainstormer's wife uses a dildo now, and everyone has opinions about Sarah Palin.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      OK you guys - I'm hback now to keep you all honest.

      I've been off doing secret ninja training, and am very disappointed to return and find that the contest is over.

      Congratulations BT - You now reign proudly as King of the ShitHole.

      The skills you gain should prove very handy in your Political career.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Ajcor, I'm having the billboards ordered up with that very slogan now. Pure genius. We'll spread them out over the nation's highways and the ranks will swell for sure. As for worrying about money, well, what we meant by "don't have it now" is that we no longer have your check. We have lots of money. Our affiliates are so full of crap that we just scoop up the doodo... er.. dough.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Shadesbreath - Worrying about the economic future of Excrement, Inc business -we crap ninja's have invested heavily in sh!t - sooooo.... really need to get moving into the market place! an action plan maybe!

      "Service Is Us- Have faith - With Sh!t Values, A Sh!t Business And A Sh!t Product You Can't Go Wrong"

      think you need to hold a crap ninja telethon to discuss the 'Business Plan" - world domin.......no that is ..future - how you grab hold of, and run with the ball - all that coalface stuff!

      from a "cheque has just been cleared" crap ninja

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Ajcor, of course we can return your money. As your check has been received and cashed, we no longer have it to return, BUT we will give you full value in Excrement, Inc. merchandise, which is even better than cash.

      Thanks BT, we like to think our customer service is the sh!t!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Dumbfounded? Gobsmacked? Your comment leaves me wankum-jawed! I've had nothing but good experiences with Excrement inc. They are helpful, polite and courteous. At least until your check clears.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      I am  dumbfounded; no gobsmacked! I ask you where's the probity? talk about whitewashing the whole thing.  Move over pontius pilate - hey we may need more soap and water for hand washing -  only the financing (humph!).

       If any more of this goes on I may have to ask for the return of my cheque. I know you received it!!!! By the way, as I trusted you  I didn't read the contract but just as a little matter of interest is there a return payment clause?

      Congratulations on your most sporting win B.T. Evilpants 

      What a hero. Vale my big friend.

      By the way do you think I could have his hovering carpet?

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      No problem Shades, ole pal. I'll put marshmallows on 'em for the kiddies! As for the elephant, he wanted to go. Sad but true. He couldn't stand another minute in that basement. He told me as much. I tried to fit him with a snorkel, but he refused it. He is in a better place. Plus he's immortalized, as any hero should be!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I merely orchestrate the financing and entertainment of the event. It is not for me to make moral judgments, and any that I do are at whim and non-binding for Excrement, Inc. So, yeah, I'm pretty much out of it. We are making T-shirts depicting BT on his victory lap, but do to requests from the school district we are blurring out the points of his horns because they might be construed as weapons.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Mr Evilpants I have to take exception to the fact that you hauled that poor elephant out the basement and then drowned him in the sea pit poo - if only the R&D division of Excrement, Inc. had carried out the recommended work he could have been saved from such a heavy martyrdom -and again, if only the extrusion hold alls had been developed in time he would not be now immortalised as a dung sculpture! He would be eating , sleeping and pooing in your basement - a happy agrophobic animal.

      I'm afraid Mr Shadesbreath you are also partially accountable for the drowning of this elephant as you did not pass on said info (re devel. of hold alls) to R & D - I am sure you would have received my cheque by now! also I don't believe Mr Evilpants can be trusted with the loving care of the seahorse - friend or not!!

      and re Elephant and Rhino crap not being allowed into the pit, I agree sixtyorso - it's just not a good look & it's not just the crap it's a whole elephant for heaven's sake! - how careless to allow such dilution of so fine a product to occur!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Absolutely keep him. We do retain all rights to use your image and his for future Excrement, Inc. promotions, as per the contract you signed when entering the contest.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Clearly, this wouldn't have been possible without preferential trea..., I mean the support of Excrement inc, and the affiliate program. I would also like to thank the people at fresh step, for donating that truckload of kitty litter, as well as the elephant that gave his life for the cause. He will be immortalized in a dung sculpture. If you don't mind, I'll just keep the seahorse. Airbiscuit and I have become the best of friends.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      LOL Sixty, my god, you have an incredible memory remembering everything that's in this pit recipe. I'm not sure why the seahorses wouldn't eat the grass out of the elephant and rhino crap though, seems a natural source of sustenance for them. Although I do like the idea of starting an additional business of seeling poo-paper to tourists. That's just genius thinking there. I think Excrement, Inc. has a job in marketing and product development for you dude.

      And, BT, congratulations. Clearly your staying focused on the goal made you champion. I wave at you as you take your victory laps and throw my empty beer cans at you in admiration.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Then I guess I win! I'm takin' a victory lap on my seahorse! I thought everyone was trapped, when the elephant sank to the bottom. I know he took some snakeheads with him. The fur bearing trout seem to be doing ok, though.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I must protest in the strongest terms. Elephant and Rhino crap must not be allowed into the pit. The Grass fibre will pollute the pit. Besides we manufacture paper from elephant and Rhino dung. we then sell the paper to American, European and continental tourists. Besides the heavy fibre content will dry up the pit thus destroying the habitatat for the seahorses. They won't eat the (what the) hay. Besdes the snakehead fishes need a high sludge content. although they can walk across land. So be careful they may escape. We must be careful not to destroy our cleverly constructed ecosystem.

      BT everyone thought the arrival of the elephants may bring Hannibal, so everyone ran in fear!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Where'd everybody go? I just threw in my pet elephant, but there's nobody here for him to play with. Dang, this was a big step for him, too. He hasn't been out of the house in years. Agoraphobia has kept him indoors for most of his adult life. Does this mean I win? I would hate to have hauled him out of the basement for nothing!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Your Ninja Suit is on its way and you are on your road to building yourself and elite fecal fortune. I'm sure the Dans la Chocolat angle is going to make you heaps and piles of money, particularly if you export it to America. People here will buy anything that has even the illusion of taste.

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      Am I too late to sign up to this effluent society? We have some very special crap this side of the Atlantic. In our parliament we have Brown crap (yes, I know that's the usual sort, but ours has a capital letter), we have royal crap, and we have the type that lives in fishponds (no, wait, that's carp!)

      I could even exploit the French Merde, as I live near France (well, just the other side of the English Channel to be exact) We could call the French branch 'Dans la Chocolat' which roughly translates as 'In The Warm Brown Sticky Stuff'. They have particularly wholesome merde over there on account of all the garlic, olives and red wine.

      I'm sending a cheque for my ninja suit. Cheers for now!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Yes, it is. lol

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      as I said the cheque is in the mail - was that fecal or fertile material upon which your empire has been built? and just what depths is my money going to sink to? and will this experience going to be a crap one?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Cheese and a lack of adequate fluids is what makes "production a little hard." You are obviously an enthusiastic candidate but unfamiliar with the fertile material withwhich our empire has been built. Just send your money and open yourself to the experience.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      you should receive the cheque very soon - now I really think this could be a paying proposition given the fact that "bulk is bulk" green or brown - however on the basis that it could prove somewhat difficult to make a product that meets the criteria of an elephant's levitating fecal needs - (it's the levitation that makes production a little hard) maybe you should go back to my first idea of the "crap catcher" which could be manufactured to catch any crap anywhere -even on a flying carpet! I am sure there's money to be found in very disposable large "elephant" extrusion hold alls. Give it to R & D I say.

      future crap ninja

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Well, truth be told, we don't have any clients that keep indoor elephants as pets so we haven't developed a production line for canned elephant magnet food. But, we do listen, so, if we have enough customer demand (your payment clearing will include you into that elite circle) we will certainly give thought to making product to meet your elephant's levitating fecal needs. It's much harder with herbivores because they don't eat with the same enthusiasm as do the preditors, but, methods can be devised as long as there is profit in it for Excrement, Inc.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      and does the same apply to the elephant or are you not up to that as yet? or do think that the the hovering poo for said elephant would have to deposited onto a flying carpet (I don't think they have wall to wall in the jungle) could be wrong of course; although when I think about it the weight of elephant crap would need to be taken into account as the weight versus flight ratio could be a little tricky.

      ps cheque is in the mail!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      While we appreciate your enthusiasm, Ajcor, because you have not sent in your 1000 bucks and become a crap ninja, you don't have access to the crap ninja bag of tricks which includes at the advanced stages a "No Deck-Hitting Doo-doo kit."

      Normally, we don't give away technology, but, what I'll tell you is too advanced for you to replicate on your own, so, yes, we do have a crap gathering system for our ninjas that precludes carpet stains. We have a dog food that we sell our members (at a substantial discount mind you) that includes 14 parts magnetic dust. When combined with the Excrement, Inc. fine burbur carpet with the magnetic fibers (magnetic poles opposite those of the dog food) you will end up with a situation where you encourage your dog to crap on the carpet. He does his thing and when you feel like it, you simply go and gather up the poo hovering an inch or so off the ground, repelled by that awesome resistance of opposite magnetism.

      I can't go into it more. Please send your money in and become a Crap Ninja and these are the types of life improvements you will enjoy.

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      I'm so excited my crap-o-meter is going orf! Words fail me!and I always thought that crap and turds were a boy thing! although I see that - oh dear - I've just missed that lovely, brown, gravy train.However if it is not too late and if I am able to join into this huge, crapologistical, self powered me-too, altho somewhat neffarious scheme, there would be many, many thousands of brown nosing affiliates ahead of me on this most reasonably priced, crapitalist venture. So from the point of view of scheme/er/program losing gas I mean steam I am probably far too late.Looks like world domination is already assured and the power and might of Shades is about to be overthrown as other world promotors are ganging up and pirating his carefully extruded ideas - managing the PR gloriously, cutting through the so-called self explanatory crap to explain the business' finely tuned future milled in a pond of sludge. Good work there - help always at hand for the potential buyers.However I was wondering, before I fed-exed my glorious pre-programmed bounced cheque to your Crap Headquarters, whether your R & D people could carry out a time and motion study to assess a new method of poo collection- ie a doggy bag that collects all that glorious crap before it hits the deck so to speak! It could come in a colour to match madam's outfit of the day and be clipped/attached so to speak to the extrusion end of said animal. I mean you could take this to the enth degree - perfect for those owners who want to take their animals into restaurants. No wastage.

      And just imagine if your R&D could design such a device for example: an elephant - do you think this could fit right in with plans to take over the world from a crapological point of view and expand your big thinking intra-global enterprise? Your name could go up in lights! really special fire lights of course from gas emitting, fire fly eating jackolopes.

      very funny hub! loved it and all the comments.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      I know a good place to catch fur-bearing trout. I'll ride Airbiscuit over to Lake Erie, and get some!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I have taken care of that but I think seahorses are omnivorous so perhaps we can get the fisheries people to dump some Snakehead fish into the mix. This could be fun.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      ROFL @ "airbiscuit." Good idea Sixty, I'll make sure to throw in lots of hay and oats. Imagine how quickly the pit will become more... exrcementalized with them in it.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Woohooooo! These seahorses sure are fun to ride!! I'm gonna name this one "Air Bisciut".

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I did mention the Ronnie attachment (see BT for president) but forget to mention uh what did I forget. dammit where are my Q cards.

      BTW Shades I have deposited some 400 baby seahorses into the primal sludge. I am hoping that the crap (er nourishment) will get 'em to grow to real horse proportions. Then we can have a mounted cavalry division. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. Brains on sea ponies! We could sell some of their offspring to Patty for the Jackalope etc project.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      I see that EG changed his pic, after I mentioned Sean Connery. Think he could be hiding something?

      Sixty, please put that cat back in the bag. That was my dinner! I had the grill all fired up, and everything. By the way, I have no use for helmets. That's the hell of having antlers. I am, however, ordering as many ray guns as you can supply. They may come in handy on the old campaign trail, you know.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I did not want to admit it but that picture of me is out of date and unauthorised. Shades is not my love child I demand a DNA test. I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman (er Jackalope) oh hell I am letting the F.U.R.B.A.L.L. cat out of the bag here! By the way the helmets and Rayguns are for sale. send cheques money transfers or credit card details.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Well looky there! How could I have missed the resemblance? I caught the whole Eric and Sean Connery thing, but the Shades and Sixty thing escaped me completely.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      I am?

      Hmm... Hey Sixty, you owe me 18 years of back allowance, pal.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      Well Shades,

      After close inspection of your avatar, I reckon that you're Sixty's love child.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      That giant brain is how he was able to design a ray gun and a cool outfit like that. No human could pull that off.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      He is a smart, and dangerous man! Notice how his brain cannot be contained within the confines of a traditional cranial cavity.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      OMG, that looks exactly like him!!!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      CAMPAIGN: Top 10 Hot Jobs & Jackalopes:

      https://hubpages.com/business/Midland-Texas

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      BT, that does explain a few things, doesn't it? And Sixty, well, I don't know what to say about that "attack." The shock wave is going to go where it goes. I suppose it the creature is born with the earth facing the right direction, it might go to the sun. Be terrible if the gaseous breath is so forceful it blows out the sun like a candle though. Just remember as you sit in the eternal darkness after, that you asked for it.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Whew! Looks like I hit the campaign trail just in time. I was planning to return to the battle on Saturday, but maybe I'll skip it for now.

      Eric, If you still want to be my VP, get the hell out while you still can. Once we take office, we can return with full military back-up. BTW, did you know Sixty was from Mars? That explains a few things, eh?

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      From Mars to Shades

      In your face. We already have our own unexplained face (book?).

      Let your ill wind blow some where else. Aim for the Sun instead if you dare!

      Otherwse us Martians will attack. We are peaceloving troglodytes here but we will not hesitate to retaliate to an unprovoked attack. We won't take your crap.

      The Martian Pesident Ibeen Backhere

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Eric, witness the birth of Crapzilla. Hah hah, you fools played right into the trap, adding your parts to the recipe as if by your own volition. Crapzilla will rise from the fecund pool and sally forth to do the bidding of Excrement, Inc. and GFE. Those too foolish to sign up for one of our programs will be first to feel the might (and scent the stench to be honest, I mean, wow, this is hard core ripe if you know what I'm saying).

      Sixty, yes, the burp is the sound of the gargantuan placenta bursting to release Crapzilla, just so you know. Born from the womb of the earth and three hundred and eight-seven tons of fecal matter, the shockwaves from that "burp" will likely stir the sands of mars!

      (and ROFL @ ironing. That was a visual I could have skipped LOL)

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I think Jabba the Hut and his little Hutton gluttons have moved in and they are consuming the slime pit. Beware of the garguntuan burp! This will outshine (?) anything Marisues husband can posssibly produce!

      BTW I dont need the brolly or plastic raincoat. naked is just fine. The last time I streaked the ladies said "I dont know what that is but I think it needs iorning".

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      There's something wierd happening at the pit.

      I think it's hit critical mass or something, and developing its own gravitational field.

      Two of my trucks, the grandstands, several toilet blocks, as well as all vehicles and several buildings within a 2 mile radius have been sucked into the pit by unknown forces.

      Eerie lights glow from within the pit, and huge expulsions of corrosive matter have been expelled from the pit at high velocity and landing up to 50km from the pit - dissolving anything they come into contact with.

      There's no signs of the jackyosaurs or other mutants. Perhaps they've escaped - or been consumed by the mighy forces at work in the depths of the pit.

      What's going on Shadecloth?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Hah,,, my favorite joke of all time, told at its best by Eddy Murphy in Delirious.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      The flying debris doesn't worry me in the least. If you are familiar with the classic bear and rabbit joke, the answer is " No, it doesn't stick to my fur."

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      No, no protection, but if the tornado sucks up the filth it's going to drop it again at some point.  At least Sixty will be clean and dry while the jackasaurses and Ichthyalopes (that's the official term btw) eat him.  That was my point.  I mean, who wants to be covered in slime when  you're being devoured, you know? 

      And, much better Patty, That's what I'm talking about. (LOL "buckets")

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      ANNOUNCEMENT

      Political fundraising banquet at the luxurious Pit at Excrement Inc.: $1200/plate, $200 to Shadesbreath per.

      Reserve now -- Tables and buckets are going fast.

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      Can umbrellas and plastic clothes repel jackasauruses and crockalopes?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      It IS in tornado country Sixty, and the storm is gonna come in after its over, suck out the pit and then blow your way. I suggest you get an umbrella and some plastic clothes!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I hope that pit is not in Tornado territory. The consequences could be too ghastly to contemplate. That footage of the last few hours is gonna put WWE smackdown out of business. we need to get the chinese stadium biulders from Beijing pronto to build grandstands for the viewing public. while they are at it they could fake some fireworks and give the Jackalope/Dinosaurs great singing voices too.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      They do now, Marian. BT infected them with his lycanthropic blood or whatever the hell that is that jackalopes have.

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      BT ... given any thought as to your running mate?  Perhaps someone to woo the hunting public?

      (Are ichthyosauruses -supposed- to have antlers and cuddly fur?)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Hey! If you gonna sell stuff on Excrement, Inc. sites, you have to kick down a percentage. Don't make me get out the GFE legal team!

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      "BT for President" Banners and Flyers available in bulk from Gravy & Biscuit World Jackalope Sanctuary. Just $1000 the dozen. 

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Regardless of what people THINK they see, BT definitely does not take the opportunity to pass around campaign flyers, promoting his recent bid to take over the whitehouse! That would just be bad form!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      *shakes BT's hand and calls for an Excrement, Inc. grounds crew to come over with the water truck and some brushes.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      *fortunately for BT, the Ichthyosaurus recognizes the fact that he has mistakenly snatched up a union brother. He gingerly places him out of danger, outside of the pit. BT congratulates SB on a very cool maneuver, and extends hand in respect.*

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      *Shadesbreath tumbles into the pit, but, being a long time crap ninja, spins on the way in, grabs BT by an antler and drags him in too.  As the ichthysauruses charge, BT is tossed into a gaping, tooth-lined maw as Shadesbreath adroitly leaps back out of the pit with the help of a popped methane bubble rising from the festering mire.  Shadesbreath stands triumphantly watching BT wrassle with the Ichthysauruses.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      *in a bold takeover attempt, B.T. sneaks up behind Shadesbreath and headbutts him into the pit*

      Oopsie! Did I do that? *feigns innocence*

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Canon: Thanks

      Eric: It does seem the combat pit has gotten rather out of hand. As Sixty says, it does seem we have a bit of an ecological ... issue. The upside, it's all being filmed. We have some excellent footage of you leaping out of that truck and rolling around on the ground, your eco-suit hissing and issuing greenish clouds of vapor as your suit dissolved. While we were happy to see you were not injured, God that was funny seeing you spazz out and cuss like that in your frenzy to escape the confines of your clothes. Great stuff. Sorry about your shoes. Oh, and where'd you get those boxers with the little jackalopes on them?

      Sixty: We'll be selling the film as a documentary, you are quite right. We're going to have Liam Neson narrate it. It will be great.

      Wedding: You bet! Soon as your payment arrives, you are IN!

    • WeddingConsultant profile image

      WeddingConsultant 9 years ago from DC Metro Area

      Sign me up!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Jackalopes breed prolifically. I think they are BT's brood emerging from the primeval ooze. They may have already cross bred with the dinosaurs (from the eggs). I think we have an ecological disaster on the make. Maybe we can rent the pit out as living proof of evoution theory.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      Who's the idiot that's managing the pit and allowed all that crap to be put into it.

      It's not a pit any more - it's a bloody lake. And during my "special equipment" delivery, half of a semi trailer dissolved after some of the ooze splashed onto it.

      I'm not going to be getting into it unless it's in a specially coated tungsten carbide submarine - which is currently being built.

      And I'll give you the tip - the things that were sticking their heads up in the middle of the lake were even scarier than BT during Haloween.

    • profile image

      canon xs 9 years ago

      very interesting post

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Jewels,

      Just give the dung beatles some time to lean back in their chairs, stuff a few of their hands into their waistband and digest.  Their reproductive apathy might seem alarming at the moment, but, dung beetle males are typical of their gender as seen in all species.   Their libido will return, perhaps after a peristalsis event, but, worry not, their buggy lust will be back and the species will thrive and decend in waves upon your encrusted thighs for another happy meal.

      Sixty:

      I think you might be right, that redhead hasn't missed a Superbowl or World Series yet.  Fortunately, as event coordinator, I can't bet so I'll be out no cash of my own. 

      BT:  Hybrid dinosaurs?  What a delightful idea.  I may use that in my fiction.  lol.  *steals idea and runs*

      Patty:

      That can't possibly smell good.  I'd hate to live next to that (seriously).  It may look like oil, but it smells like  ... crap, which is why ultimately that's probably a fantastic addition to Excrement, Inc. I'm ordering the.. meat crushers now lol. 

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      Looks like the pit will eventually become a site for new oil!

      Ever heard about the turley smashing oil plant near the Tyson factory? - they compress old bird parts under high heat to make petroleum, but are thinking of moving out of the country to reduce costs. So I think we have yet another business! More contracts are required...

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      As I understand it, the kitty litter clumps can act as incubators. Those eggs should hatch quickly. As living dinosaurs, they will be automatically accepted into the International Brotherhood of Cryptids. As you may have heard, I am not just a member of this fine union. I am also the president. That means welcome additions to the B.T.-EG tag-team!

      @Sixty- As Eric's partner, I am fully aware of his true identity. I am, of course sworn to secrecy, but I can tell you this: He is a creature far more sinister than any you have mentioned! He may even be more evil than me. The jury is still on that, though.

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 9 years ago from Australia

      Had to reinforce the lining of the Crap Ninja suit. As an empathic sensitive I became fully submerged, and commenced drowning in what seemed to be a new influx of fallout. Heavily cemented to my mid thighs in what appeared to be ancient crap yet to be chewed over by dung beetles. As Dung beetles appetites are becoming fully sated, sexual reproduction is dropping to all time lows. Alarm bells - extinction imminent for our friendly crap munchers. Is the end nigh?

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I would be wary of that bet. Eric's atavar is that of a human but I suspect he may be a kangaroo, a tasman devil, or even a dingo, each of whom have some interesting attributes. so beware.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Eric, given the nature of this combat, we at Excrement, Inc. do nothing but delight in looking away, purely by accident of timing of course, to let you do what you must.  :)

      Sixty, as usual, you are a step ahead of the idea process.  We have actually ferreted some Ichthysaurus eggs into the muck in hopes of watching some cool dinosaur action.  The CEO of GFE himself has wagered 4 million dollars that an adult ichthysaurus can take an adult jackalope and our CFE laughed at him and took the bet without even batting an eye.  Frankly, I can hardly wait. The redhead that works the front desk bet 7 dollars that Eric takes them both.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      I think the time has cme to negotiate with Marisue to get her husband the gifted farting cop there pronto. He can get some order into this chaos once and for all. I also think that with all that boiling, burbling, bubbling stuff it would be a good time to add some dinosoar eggs (fossilised ones) to see just what can grow in that primevil sludge. I dont that the mixture will be any good for Jackalope fur.

      BTW I just ahd word from Dubja he says now is the time to nuke em!

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 9 years ago from Australia

      Well if BT lets off one of his trouser shredding Butter Tart Farts in all that stuff, better make sure the pit is well grounded and ventilated, or the resulting explosion will knock the HBO video streaming satellite out of orbit!

      And Shades - I'd appreciate private access to the pit between 3am and 4am for delivery of -errr-special equipment.

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      Ya know, that does sound good.

      But now that it's mixed with all the other stuff in that pit, I can hear it screaming all the way from here ...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Marian, you realize that great recipes are born in just this kind of way. I mean, think about it... the nice texture and unobtrusive sweetness of cornbread, buttressed by and augmented with a split bannana for texture and taste, and set off gloriously by the sweet ambrosia of butterscotch? ???

      ???

      Does this not scream sumptuous cullinary delight?????

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      Cornbread and butterscotchy pudding are two different bananas, no?

      But maybe if those cornbread truckers don't have to return their trucks before someone misses them ... er ... I mean before their rental expires, they might be convinced to haul another load.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      There's a few with loads of cornbread, if you count them.

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      Too late. Had to return the truck to the ... uh ... rental place. Yeah, that's it.

      Any other truckers out there?

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      I prefer pudding. I'm feeling...butterscotchy.

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      That's good to know.

      (... biodiesel growl, followed by ear-piercing backup beepers ...)

      Here it is. Hope everybody likes lemon!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      For shame Marian...we all know "There's always room for jello!"

      /flee

    • Marian Swift profile image

      Marian Swift 9 years ago from San Francisco Bay Area

      Where's the Jello? You can't have a mudpit without Jello!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Beauty, eh?

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Well then my dumptruck of static filled packing popcorn will work just nicely!

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Good deal! Because I also ordered a gravel train filled with assorted flatware!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Excrement, Inc. is prepared to counter your tanker filled with gravy. We have several truckloads of cornbread prepared for just such a ploy.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      I'd be honored to memorialize him like that. But first, I need to get my foot unstuck from this muck, before my gravy delivery gets here.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      If you think it looks bad now, wait till my tanker truck gets here from Gravy World!

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      BT! we must do a version of "Shaft" for the Jackalope, in honor of Isaac Hayes, who died today, sadly.

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 9 years ago from North America

      Excellent, my cameramen, excellent!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Gawd...that pit is starting to look repugnant...even to me.

    • B.T. Evilpants profile image

      B.T. Evilpants 9 years ago from Hell, MI

      Don't mention it. It was also for my benefit. I can now walk across the crust, and take my time defeating these people!