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Funny-Quotes-Funny-Jokes-New Jokes-Funny Videos

Updated on January 19, 2019

Horoscopes by Garfield

Gemini - May 21 – June 20

Gemini’s believe in half the work and twice the fun!

Aquarius - January 20 – February 18

Aquarians fear little in life … except maybe running out of beverages.

Cancer - June 21 – July 22

Cancers prefer the domestic joys … family security, and a well-stocked refrigerators.

Leo - July 23 – August 22

Leos are brave and loyal, kind and caring. Their generosity is exceeded only by the size of their credit-card bills.

Sagittarius - November 22 – December 21

Expressive and sincere (whether they mean it or not), Sagittarians have a voracious appetite for life.

Virgo - August 23 – September 22

Industrious and meticulous. Virgos always do a good job … and look good doing it.

Scorpio - October 23 – November 21

Scorpios can resist temptation, but they’d rather not.

Capricorn - December 22 – January 19

Capricorns are ambitious. But not till noon.

Taurus - April 20 – May 20

Straightforward, Taurus always give two choices: take it or leave it.

Aries - March 21 – April 19

Aries never holds a grudge. They get even right away.

Pisces - February 19 – March 20

Easygoing, Pisces will join a gym when they put in a dessert bar.

Libra - September 23 – October 22

Fiercely independent, Libras hate rules ... especially on limits on dessert.

“The man who has no secrets from his wife either has no secrets or no wife” ~Gilbert Wells

Only in the World

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

~ Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. ~Anonymous

Nice Funny Quotes


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Relations may be based on business

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Possibilty of abusive relationships

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Look forward for huge debt in near future

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

That combination will be life's biggest disaster

* Office Mathematics*

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Possibility of tax fraud

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Overworked employees will increase sick leaves

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Boss's job at risk

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Increased chances of company bankruptcy

* General Equations & Statistics *

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. **


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. **


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. **


A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for items that she doesn't need.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

The reason it is not stick to the lips is that you can move your lips. If it is really lips stick then you would not be able to ask this question.

Why is a bell only heard once it rings?

I cannot hear a non ringing bell either. How about you ?

When snow melts where does the white go?

White follows the melting snow.

Why do we call oranges orange, but we do not call apples red, limes green, or lemons yellow?

Because they cannot make up a name for oranges. May be they should name them juicies or vitamin C with peelings.

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

I am rest assured you cannot get Johnson baby oil from a baby squeeze. You will only hear the baby scream.

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Only smoking is prohibited at gas stations not selling of cigarettes.

Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only one bra?

A pair of pants is used for two legs. Answer about Bra only ladies know.


Waiting to enter Paradise

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two queues. One queue for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other queue for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon all the women were gone and there were only the two queues of men.
The queue of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 kilometers long, and in the queue of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."


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