Free, Laughter-Guaranteed, Comedy Routines, Advice, For Insecure Comedians

The photos you see on this hub are mostly of famous comedians. Some are still with us and some are not. But even the ones who have gone on to their reward have left us with some infallible legacies of "those who brought us needed-laughter and helped to lighten our loads."

It can be easily thought that truly gifted comedians are special. If you stop right now, sit down, relax, and think about my statement, you will agree. I could have used "amazing," "thrilling," or "fantastic," to describe comedians, a needed group of individuals in our society, but the word "special," sufficed.

Besides my long-time dream of working at an FM radio station on the night shift playing "real" rock music, I have also dreamed of being a comedian. Not just a so, so funny comedian, but a comedian in the league of Jerry Lewis, Red Skelton, and my favorite, Brian Regan.

But I know within my heart that not everyone can be a comedian. My theory is this: Two people who are seeking a career as a comedian can tell the same joke, but only one will get the laughs. Why? Here are some reasons that I think only a select-few ever succeed as comedians.

• Gifted comedians seldom resort to using their eyes, hands, or body movements to get laughs.
• Gifted comedians can calmly tell a funny story or joke and have the gift of timing down so good, that even if they do not get an uproar of laughter, that pause is often funny. (e.g. the late Johnny Carson).
• Gifted comedians have the ability to hide their personal problems and even if they are physically ill, you will never know it while they are performing.
• Gifted comedians knew going in that being a successful comedian is tough work. Not a few minutes to relax on stage and get a check. Comedians who love comedy know that being a gifted comedian takes time to hone their craft and with patience and preserverance, they will make it big one day.

Now with these reasons in mind, I want to do something for those comedians who start out good, but falter by the wayside due to a rough crowd or maybe a loud-mouth heckler who ruined their act. If you have never stood up there in the spotlight talking to a packed house, it can be a very frightening experience.

So to help these faltering comedians, I am presenting these . . .

Free, Laughter-Guaranteed, Comedy Routines, Advice, For Insecure Comedians

Before I begin, here are my "A, B, C's" of being a good stand-up comedian:

A. Places to Perform - - the market is wide-open, and mostly free. A comedian with a promising career can perform in shopping malls, flea markets, public gatherings, political rallies, to test their material and fine-tune their act. Even if you do not cause people to roll in the aisles, you will get your name out there and that is half the work--being known by the public.

B. Materials To Use - - remember, it's your career, so make the material yours from your own creative inspiration. Do not steal or copy some other comedian's material. It is not only low, but highly-unethical. You do not want to offend those comedians in the business who have climbed the ladder of success and are now producing, promoting, and directing other comedians' careers as well as the films they are producing.

1. Slap-stick, fruits and vegetables and the such are not required. Besides, Vaudeville is only a fond memory and the likes of Gallager are nowhere to be found.
2. Do not fall into that "Social Trap" by allowing someone who has tasted a few good rounds of laughter tell you that you NEED to include profanities and stories to downgrade women to be a successful comedian. (e.g. Andy Andrews, once a clean comedian went on to author several best-selling books and have a speaking tour that went nationwide plus being on PBS for many months).

C. Tools at Your Disposal - - so what if you are not a comedy writer. You can jot down casual observances you have in your daily life. And that area is wide and long also. A funny routine may be birthed from some directions on a tube of Preparation H. (this product is not to be taken orally). That is funny. But you have to present your material at your own pace. No one is asking you to set a new land record at being funny.

Things That New Comics Should Never Do . . .

• "Rambling Fever" - - is not just a Country Music standard written and performed by Merle Haggard, but a solid piece of advice for upcoming comedians. The rule is: Never ramble on and on about common subjects--home, job, wife, kids, "if" you are not receiving any laughs. Have a "Plan B," in case this happens. Just "pull the plug" on the rambling and move on. "Ramblin' Fever" had happened to the best. So do not let it happen to you.

• "What's Your Sign?" - - this tip is for semi-famous comedians. Never openly-flirt with a pretty girl close to your stage. Wait until you "hit it big," and have your own HBO special or Comedy Central mini-concert. Then you can flirt as much as you like.
• "Race and Comedy" - - talk about a verbal "landmine," racial terms are just that. Landmines that if you step on one, your career is fractured and no promoter will sign you. (e.g. Michael "Kramer" Richards).
• "Love Me Some Suds" - - do not try to emulate comedy star, Ron White, who insists on having a Scotch on ice and either a cigar or cigarette with him as he performs. White has practiced this so much that he can somehow get away with it, but you are NOT Ron White. Just be you and do your own material.

Now for the free comedy routines . . .

• Dress in a tuxedo and head to the mall. Walk briskly into a posh, stuffy men's clothing store with a stern look on your face. When a clerk offers to help you, you reply, "You bet you can! Where is the wedding?" "Uhh, sir, wedding?" the clerk stutters. "Yes, a wedding. You know. When a man and a woman vow to make each other's life miserable." The clerk and other employees and customers will laugh. So now you need to get out while you are not in trouble.
• Bring your black and white make-up in an overnight bag to the mall. Enter the men's or ladies' room and head for the nearest stall. Sit on the toilet seat (on toilet tissue to be healthy) and apply your mime make-up. Head back to the mall and start in the center of the mall. Do not interrupt the flow of customers. Practice your mime work at home so you will not laugh while working. Speaking of practicing at home. By all means, if you are going the verbal route to a successful comedy routine, practice the routine in front of a full-length mirror and time it to be sure that if the comedy promoter gives you three minutes, your act will not go past that time. Being respectful goes a long way with comedy club managers.
• The "Free Lunch Gag": pick out a pretty girl or handsome guy and say to them, "I will race you by seeing who can walk faster to that statue near the fountain over there. The loser gets a free lunch from the winner." You will be shocked at those who will walk fast as possible to beat you, but you are the one who is eating free and giving you some free time to talk to your new friend about your comedy career and your plans.
• The "Famous Deceased Americans Gag": Stand up from the bench where you are sitting and announce, "I want to do my impression of the notorious outlaw Jesse James for you right now." Then intentionally act as if you are having to get into character, stare at them, and fall to the floor. Your crowd should laugh loudly.
• "Abstract Thought in Action": People love abstract thought. Just ask legendary comic, author, actor and musician, Steve Martin. Use this thought: "I was tossed out of my favorite strip club last night. Yeah. Sadly this is true. And all I did was pay my ticket price, sit down and then after two minutes, got up and pulled off my clothes. They said it was a "Strip" club!" See the abstract thinking?
• Or you can use this one, but keep it clean. "Yeah, when I was single, I slept with a lot of women. A whole lot, let me tell you. I never had sex with any of them, but got a lot of good sleep." But keep a stoic look on your face while telling this story.
• Visit any (trick or gag) store and you can buy this light bulb that when pressed at a certain spot, the light will come on. Take this with you for this routine. Be sitting on a bench in a busy mall. Then, at the right moment, stand up and with a moderately-loud voice say, "Hey, I have just gotten a terrific idea!" Then hold the lighted bulb directly over your head. Now enjoy the sounds of pure laughter and let Carrot Top eat his heart out.
• And not to leave Gallagher (Tony Anthony, his real name) hanging, I urge you to do a version of his bursting watermelons with a sledge hammer, but you take the sledge hammer and act like you are going to smash these tasty items, but you lay the sledge down and pick up a knife and begin to cut the melons into many servings for your audiences which will make you look very creative and very sensitive to the ones who may be hungry.
• And in closing, this one should work for you: "I was talking to my best buddy last week about being so depressed and having to see a doctor. The doctor said for me to head home and make mad, passionate love to my wife at least five times that week. And it helped. I said to my buddy who was also depressed, 'you need to try this too to get rid of your depression.' He quickly replied, "What nights is your wife at home?"

Now go out there and "break a leg." Or is it, "break the ice?" And keep this hub of nugget of comedy wisdom with you always: "It's now how funny your material may be, but how funny YOU can be at telling it.