Funniest Jokes-By-Funniest-Stand Up Comedians - Live Videos Must Watch

♥ Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

♥ There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I will not stand for that.

♥ Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It is something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

♥ I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

♥ You know what your problem is, it is that you have not seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

♥ The doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

♥ Why is it we do not always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

♥ I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

♥ Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

♥ We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There is just one problem - it is in North Korea.

♥ We declared war on terror—it is not even a noun, so, good luck.

♥ Here is how bizarre the war is that we are in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany did not want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

♥ Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

♥ I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

♥ Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I do not need.

♥ They are talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that is used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna cannot even smoke in bed.

♥ Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

♥ Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

♥ There is very little advice in men’s magazines, because men do not think there is a lot they do not know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

♥ Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they are killing living creatures. Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

♥ Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there is your diamond in the rough.

♥ If you tell the truth about how you are feeling, it becomes funny.

♥ I am surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.

♥ My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

♥ Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

♥ I am at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.

♥ A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

♥ Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

♥ A recent police study found that you are much more likely to be shot by a fat cop if you run.

♥ The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dartboard.

♥ The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

♥ Here is something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

♥ The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This was not for any religious reasons. They could not find three wise men and a virgin.

♥ Now, there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you have met your New Year’s resolution?

♥ The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.