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Funny Quotes: A collection of Not-Quite Motivational Quotes

Updated on July 7, 2011

So in my searches of the internet I have come across dozens of different sites containing motivational life quotes. Here is the ying to their yang. A collection of the darker side of quotes. Most of them however are by the author of Unknown. Whether Mr. Unknown wrote these and was afraid to post his name or whether it was just lost in time, perhaps we will never know. Enjoy

I believe in peace, through superior firepower -Unknown

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... they don't know I'm only using blanks. -Emo Phillips

Evil Will Always Triumph, because Good is Dumb. -Dark Helmet

Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.- Naked Gun 33 1/3

Sometimes when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. -John Benfield

We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there -Dana Gloud

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...until you can find a rock -Will Rogers

"Cancer cures smoking. -Unknown

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -Unknown

You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough. -Dr. Evil

When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved. Why limit yourself, I told them -Emo Phillips

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese -Unknown

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit! -Unknown

So many pedestrians... so little time. - Robin Williams

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh -Unknown

Today's women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make up, including living bras and various pads that would make a linebacker envious, she has implants and other surgeries and later she complains that she cant find a REAL man. -Unknown

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. -Unknown

My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head. -Elon Gold

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. -Unknown

Teamwork: A chance to blame someone else. -Devil Dictionary

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. -Matt Goening

What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it? -Unknown

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? -Unknown

Constipated people don't give a shit! -Unknown

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. -Unknown

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that it must be altered every six months. -Oscar Wilde

I have the heart of a child - I keep it in a jar - Stephen King

Two Rules of Success :
1) Don't tell everything you know.

Jesus said, come forth and receive eternal life. I came in third and won a toaster. -Unknown

NASA spent 8 years and $12 billion developing a pen that could write in space. It needed to be able to work in zero gravity, at a range of temperatures, and be able to write on any surface. The Russians used a pencil. -Unknown

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress -Unknown


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    • profile image


      5 years ago

      I like it

    • ParadigmEnacted profile image


      6 years ago

      Great collection. The first one is a derivative of Oliver Cromwell's Latin "pax quaeritur bello" meaning "let peace be sought through war." I also believe, but can't confirm, that the one about heck and gosh might have been George Carlin. One of his acts where he mocks people who want to swear but do it in a softer language which means the same thing.


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