GREAT MOVIES GUYS MIGHT NEVER EVER EVER SEE -- Bruno

Bruno was better then "Borat".

If they remake the Ali G movie to fit the format of Bruno or Borat, it will be a zillion times better then even Bruno.

But for now Bruno is the champ.

Chances are you didn't see Bruno because you didn't want to throw up.

Unlike Borat where we laughed at the ignorance of people who thought it was possible that Russians didn't know what toilets were, this time his marks are faced with a character who threatens to catch them on camera admitting to the world that's what they commonly assume a gay person is like -- is one like Bruno.

The ultimate prize and object of "Bruno" is obviously to get these people to go on an anti-gay diatribe the way he got those kids in the mobile home in "Borat" to go on an anti-woman, anti-black, anti-Jew diatribe.

Bruno is a shallow, bitchy Nazi who mixes a stereotypical gay man's voice with a thick Austrian accent, and conducts interviews for a cable access fashion show in Austria called "Funkyzeit mit Bruno". One of these recurring show segments, instead of "In or Out"..."In Oder Aus".

Bruno interviews the most amazing blond at the start of the film, talking to her like an infant, something that results in her actually engaging in a serious academic conversation about how hard it is to be beautiful and have to remember right foot...left foot...right foot. And to be in heels all day. Bruno says "and then sometimes you even have to turn". "Oh yeah!" she says. "And that turn? It's so scary".

What was cut out was a segment where Bruno says to her "Supermodels make more in a day then teachers make in a year. Why do you think it is that teachers are so overpaid?"

She responds to this question by saying, in a defensive huff: "Well...I mean...it's different because like...nobody puts a teacher's face on the cover of Vogue."

Then when Bruno asks if she has anything inspirational to say to the third-world children out there, she says "Stick in there. Keep on keeping on. I guess."

"Shtooping" is Bruno's way of saying "having sex".

"Auschwitz" is Bruno's way of saying "ass".

"Shfartz-listed" is Bruno's way of saying "blacklisted".

NONE of these things...ever prompt one of his marks to try to correct him. They seem to assume that just because he's a gay guy from Germany, it would only make sense that he would be heartless too...and thus none of the Nazi references surprise them.

There's about fifteen uncomfortable seconds in the entire movie, and they happen at the beginning when Bruno introduces us to Diesel, the French Polynesian stewardess who I was fucking repulsed by until I saw the marvelous DVD extras. Diesel in "Bruno" is gone after the most nauseating fifteen seconds you'll ever see. He has a way of opening a champagne bottle. Of course it involves his ass. But chances are you're thinking he opens it by manipulating the top of the bottle instead of the bottom, didn't you?

But once it's over it's nearly impossible to stop laughing.

So let's get into "Bruno".

Bruno shows up at Milan fashion week with an all-velcro suit. As he's talking to a designer, the head chairman of the committee immediately recognizes this idiot to be a trespasser, resulting in Bruno going and tripping all throughout the wardrobe area until he's walking on the runway with about fifteen different outfits on. He's "Aus". And fired from Funkyzeit. And Diesel leaves him because of this.

And so Bruno decides he's going to go to L.A. and become a celebrity.

But Diesel's assistant Lutz wants to come along. He promises he won't wake Bruno up as he's standing over his bed masturbating to him.

They go to L.A. and try to do a show like Funkyzeit with L.A. celebrities. He invites Paula Abdul over and she's met by Bruno who has Mexican laborers for furniture. Read that again. He has a table and two sofas, all of which are Mexican dudes on all fours. "Demi Moore has two in her house", explains Bruno.

Paula Abdul then takes a seat on one of the Mexican dudes and Bruno asks her about her charity work, so here we have poor Paula talking to a camera about how helping people is her whole life...while using a Mexican laborer as a chair.

Paula in fact doesn't draw the line until Bruno brings out a naked man on his back with a whole bunch of sushi on his hairy naked body.

Paula's agent gets them blacklisted, and Bruno goes over numerous new suggestions: Reese Withersfvinzen? Wilhelm Smit? Bradolf Pitler? The Fuhrer? (Mel Gibson).

Sorry Bruno, Lutz says. Nobody's coming.

And so Bruno gets an agent who has marginal connections. Bruno says "I want to be a star in a HUGE Hollywood movie." Bruno's agent, after listening to the hilariously incompetent way Bruno does a line reading, gets him a role as an extra on a TV show. Bruno assumes that he has "a starring role as an extra!", and so ends up overacting as a member of the jury while one of the actual stars tries to do a scene. Bruno even tells the director to "cut" because "I didn't feel this one".

Bruno then goes for an anal bleaching, talking back and forth on the phone to his agent...and the lady who's working on him.

Bruno's agent then gets him a meeting with a focus group at CBS. Beforehand, Bruno annoyed the living SHIT out of his agent by returning the news of this incredible opportunity with a focus group by saying that he himself, in the same span of time, this completely untalented and unprofessional distasteful unsanitary jerk off named Bruno with only two days worth of L.A. connections and barely knowing English...booked an interview with Harrison Ford. The agent is standing there absolutely humiliated.

But the agent feels better when he watches the interview -- and it's just Harrison Ford telling Bruno to fuck himself as Bruno tries blocking the elevator. Despite all the lunacy of the rest of Bruno's presentation, the agent LAUGHS at this part rather then being disgraced by everything else, because he was clearly beating himself up over this Harrison Ford thing.

This tape that Bruno gives the focus group is called "A-List Celebrity Max-Out". The members of the group watch the tape, and basically recieve the following messages in order:

1) As evident by the intro dancing, Bruno is gay gay gay gay gay.

2) Bruno thinks aborting a baby that's going to be white trash is FUNNY!!!!!

3) You know all you want to see is my dick so here's a close-up.

4) Harrison Ford's coming up, but first some more close-up dancing.

5) Then the interview, three seconds long.

6) And so...here's my naked dick for all of you fans of my dick.

Of course the focus panel is disgusted, and ever so uncomfortable when Bruno comes in to confront them and plead with them to change their minds.

Bruno then tries to make a sex tape with Congressman Ron Paul who's politics are shit. It is Ron Paul who finally gives this routine it's first big big payoff by getting the esteemed perpetual Republican candidate to refer to him angrily as "queer".

Bruno then decides he's going to solve a world problem. He goes to ask these hot twins who run a PR firm and ask "is there anything that you yourself believe in?", we discover as a DESPERATE PLOY to push work off on their clients that they won't be able to do. They are met by our friend Bruno who actually responds to this by saying, sassy and vacuous, that he's "really into issues". These poor hot twins are now left trying to explain why taking up global warming would be beneficial, (how about raising awareness?), and how to campaign for animals that are already extinct, which by the way is the first and only thing that comes to their head when someone brings up "Africa", even though they go on about Darfur (which they call Da-Far).

Darfur is in now, what's the new one? What's Dar-Five? Bruno says.

Yeah, they respond in unison.

And so Bruno decides he's gonna go to the "Middle Earth". He shows up at an airport in Jordan wearing some kind of halter top and tight short hot pants in desert-storm camouflage. Of course everyone stares at him. He stares back and blows fucking kisses as if Sasha Baron Cohen wanted to die and forgot that he was going home to Isla Fisher in real life.

Cohen gets actual peace leaders from Israel and Palestine together and then asks the Israeli, "Why are you so anti-Hamas? I mean...isn't pita bread the real enemy?"

He then hits them with a song, the lyrics include "It's time for this war to end/Jews and Hindus you be friends".

The song by the way will show up again. Stay tuned.

Bruno returns home with all this Africa stuff that is not only fruity, but real real real insensitive. These straight American people are watching this opening gay guy at the baggage claim taking an elephant foot, a rhino's tusk, and...out of a cardboard box with air holes...a LITTLE BLACK KID!!!!

Bruno has a baby shoot and interviews all these crazy stage parents for a job where their kids are going to pose in racist, heathen, anti-Semetic activities not to mention dangerous as shit...and the parents insist it happens.

Bruno has the baby listen to gangster rap. Since he's black.

He goes on Richard Bey, a real daytime talk show, an audience full of African-Americans, and totally has them on his side until it's discovered he's gay.

Bruno soon calls them racist for saying that people in Africa are called "Africans". They should be called "African-Americans", girlfriend. African is a racist thing to call them.

He brings out the baby who is dressed like a flamer, and has a little muscle shirt on that reads,"Gay-by" instead of "baby".

He says he calls him "O.J." The blacks in the audience want to kill him.

Then he shows them pictures of him in a hot tub with the black kid and a bunch of gay adults performing 69 on each other.

He gets the kid seized.

He goes to a diner and garners the sympathy of a middle-aged waitress, probably with several kids of her own...only to tell her "I don't know how old he was, three...eight...he could have been eleven and a midget."

He goes on a huge cake and pie eating binge like a chick...in front of all these rednecks who just watch the whole thing confused.

Lutz comes in to console him, and the next morning in comes this poor fat young hotel maintenance guy who comes in the room to find Bruno and Lutz chained to a bed together, a remote control in Bruno's ass, a whole bunch of live gerbils in a drawer, a dildo at the end of an exercise bike, a brush on Lutz's mouth gag, and the assurance that the "toilet is absolutely spotless", implying basically that their body waste was used as sex toys.

The manager of the hotel comes in and Bruno points out that, with the remote control up his ass, he's on the verge of paying for a showing of a movie on the hotel TV. "I did NOT press it and I REFUSE to pay for it!"

Then he calls the other guy a Latino Paul Giamanti as he hits on him...which he in fact resembles.

Bruno and Lutz then start wandering all over a landscape of anti-gay rallies asking if anyone can unlock them because "my assistant's about to shit on my balls".

They get on a bus and in comes a dumpy cop. "What's going on here?" he asks. To which Bruno answers bitchily -- "What does it look like, Paul Blart?"

Bruno and Lutz break up when they get out of jail, Bruno being an even bigger bitch then usual.

Bruno attempts to become straight because he notices that all these other celebrities in Hollywood are straight. So he goes to Alabama and starts giving this poor idiot "gay converter" the worst time ever. The young reverend can't get halfway through his spiel about Jesus before being reminded by Bruno that he has "fantastic blow job lips" and "this speech is so hot, are you hitting on me?"

Then when Bruno asks if there's any activities he can partake in that involve nothing but straight guys...this bumpkin actually points him in the direction of the army...guys who hunt...and guys who work out.

Bruno has a hilarious boot camp segment where he tries to break up the montony of the military uniform he has on with a scarf and a Dolchi Gabana belt. He hits on the black officer and tells him he has exceptional skin, and how "she's" got an attitude when referring to the drill sergeant.

He demonstrates to Bruno that as he does push-ups, to remain within a certain boundary. There is his space, and then the drill sergeant's "alley". You don't put any part of your body in the alley...

"Your finger's in my alley" he says to Bruno. " Not yet," Bruno replies.

He throws up a Nazi salute. "THAT'S NOT A SALUTE, PRIVATE!!!" they yell.

Finally he goes on a hunting expedition with these three Alabama guys. One of them asks if he's ever been hunting before. Bruno says he's never killed an animal, but he has suffocated a hamster.

While they're out there, Bruno of course leaps and cowers whenever the gun goes off, and strikes up conversations about "the woman's va-heee-nas. They're my favorite, what about you?"

So at nighttime, as they're all camping out, Bruno turns to them and says,"Look at the four of us, we are soooooooooo like the Sex and the City girls."

He then tries to go to their tents and climb in their beds with them, first under the guise of "being sure Donny's a homosexual and I think it would be safer if we were together", and "hey this bear ate all my clothes. Everything but these condoms, can I come in?"

And so the reverend with blow job lips decides Bruno is too much for him, so he actually sends him to whom is referred to as a "second stage gay converter". He is encountered by an older man who not only hates women's guts, but has him go and be part of a swinger's party.

Bruno tries and tries, but can't get these rednecks to do anything worse then say "I didn't come here for any queer shit!".

Bruno then, for the climax, swears he's gonna be straight, and hosts an Ultimate fight competition in a little town in Arkansas that had just made headlines for its' malicious treatment of a gay couple that was dancing in a bar. It's called "Straight Dave's Man-Slamming Action", and they put all these posters up everywhere, and advertise 1 dollar beers. But what they didn't mention was not only that there would be a HELLA long wait, but that the 1 dollar beers was an ALL NIGHT SPECIAL. Everyone kept assuming it would expire and then the stadium would charge regular price after a certain period of time....all setting up the dramatic climax of "Bruno"...where a bunch of extremely homophobic, impatient angry Southern cage-fight fans...have slammed as many beers as they possibly could drink in twenty minutes.

Bruno comes out in a beard and cowboy outfit and wins them over instantly. "I'm so straight that when I first bought my house, I bricked up the back door! You know why?! Because MY asshole's just for shitting!"

They're LOVING this.

"It's great to not have any fags here!" Straight Dave/Bruno says.

"You're a faggot!" says someone in the audience.

Lutz.

Bring him in.

And so Lutz and Bruno start fighting, Lutz of course as far as the story goes is proving he can be a manly man to his very feminine counterpart...winning Bruno over and resulting in them kissing and ripping off each other's clothes in a mad embrace...

To the ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE OF THE CROWD.

It is the ultimate ending to a movie about getting homophobics to react -- an entire stadium of them SHOCKED and DISGUSTED and ENRAGED and throwing things and beating the cage and yelling slurs...all the while Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" victoriously plays to Bruno and Lutz in the cage pawing each other.

In the end, Bruno, Lutz, and the little African boy all reunited and became a family.

And then came the song Bruno played while in the Middle East, but an actual competent version that's not too bad. As the story goes, Bruno got so famous that he could afford to make his own charity video. During which Bono does his absolute best to cornball it up, met by Bruno who counters his corny, moronic John Lennon-wannabe bag of bullshit with lines like "Stop Fighting North and South Korea -- you're both basically Chinese".

Like in Borat where he comes across a guy proudly selling Confederate antiques and thus starts "accidentally" breaking everything, Bruno comes across a douchebag psychic who's not even clever enough to stray from "oh yeah, the guy you wanted me to connect just wanted to tell you that he wants you to set up some kind of foundation where other people can benefit, and he's telling you this from a field with green trees and rivers". Bruno wants to contact the long deceased Milli from Milli Vanilli who he tells us he had seven minutes of sex with at the beginning of the film. Bruno also tells us repeatedly that he's 19. Therefore a joke is implied that Milli shtooked Bruno when Bruno was about eleven years old. Anyway, instead of breaking everything in the psychic's little lair...Bruno asks if he can "kiss" Milli. The psychic says sure, and so Bruno gets on his knees, undoes a theoretical fly, and starts blowing, fingering, and tossing the salad of Milli's ghost right in front of the psychic, who remains patient until Bruno's completely finished and sitting back in the chair exhausted. "Well good luck with your life" the psychic says with a hand extended.

Damn was this a long ass hub. I'm fuckin hungry.

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