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Harper's Island ep 10

Updated on September 30, 2014

I officially deem this the WORST SHOW EVER! Will I stop watching? No, of course not. It's so terrible; it brings joy to my heart.

Let's start with ridiculous scenario #1: Everyone was convinced Sheriff Dad was the murderer. I feel like evolution is the real culprit here. These people (if they were real) are so dumb they deserve to get blowed up. Yes, I mean "blowed" because this show makes my IQ drop. How would Sheriff Dad have killed the Man Without a Face--by shooting arrows from his eyeballs? How could he have killed Slutty Stepmom and then escaped while drugged up and bleeding profusely? Is he Jason Voorhees? At least now they'll stop accusing him, since he's hanging from a tree.

Hey, Bartender!

Nikki from Harper's Island
Nikki from Harper's Island | Source

Ridiculous scenario #2: How did Jimmy survive the explosion? I get that Wakefield supposedly saved him, but how? The docks blew up and Shane barely got away. Is Wakefield the island's version of Criss Angel or something? Part 2.2 of this scenario, what is up with Wakefield making deals with Sheriff Dad? He's killed almost 20 people so far, why would he spare Jimmy? I think that makes Mr. Hot Fisherman a suspect!

The most ridiculous scenario of them all is the fact that Wakefield is alive. Didn't I say I would swear off TV if he turned out to be the murderer? Maybe I won't follow up on that one, but I will start hypothesizing who his partner is (hello, Seth Rogen) because there's no way he did it on his own.

The skanky bartender, Nikki, just now resurfaced out of nowhere. How did I not accuse her of being the killer way earlier? Also, what's up with the medical clinic being evacuated but not the bar? This is my kind of town! Seriously, how did Nikki not know that anything was going on at all? I think she's in on it. I actually think the locals are teaming up against all the infiltrators (sorry Maggie, you got caught in the crossfire!). I also suspect that Nikki and Jimmy have been doing the dirty for years and they're mad their island has been taken over by richies (thanks John Hughes for such a great word) so they've been killing them off (cue Demon Child's voice) one-by-one.

Maggie was a clown who served absolutely no purpose but to make the body count a little higher. I laughed hysterically when she fell from the roof. She was on my "to die" list last week. Point for me!

Shane hates the richies too. I'm taking him off my "to die" list because I think he'll survive because he's in on it or because he's a local.

Charlie wants to spend the rest of his life with Chloe, but that probably won't be long. Whenever that ring resurfaces, somebody dies. Or in this case, Charlie got shot. I wonder if Charlie and Chloe would put their proposal story on The Knot website. I can see it now, "We were stuck on this island with a bunch of people getting murdered, and he figured it was time to commit. It was so romantic!" Sigh, I love fictitious couples (like on The Bachelor!).

Bye, Daddy

Abby's Dad on Harpers Island
Abby's Dad on Harpers Island | Source

It's nice that Charlie and Zack got over their little love triangle and decided to work together. Sawyer took a bullet out of his own shoulder on Lost, so why wouldn't Zack be able to do it for Charlie?

At least Abby got to say goodbye to her pops before he got pulled out of the window. Sheriff Dad left his darling daughter with some truly touching advice: "Kill Wakefield!" Why on earth would she go look at his hanging body? It's not like she was going to find him alive; the dude was pulled out of the building and strung up. Once again, point for me for calling this death!

Wakefield's Accomplices


Henry (the groom) and the guy with the Seth Rogen glasses

Jimmy and Seth Rogen

Jimmy and Nikki-Rich people haters


To Die

Zack Morris

Shea-Then she'll leave Demon Child to The Bride and Henry to raise



Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister


Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Seth Rogen (or so they want us to think!)

Thomas Wellington

Ginger (AKA Richard)


Sheriff's Deputy

The Man Without a Face



Slutty Stepmom

2 Plane Police


Sheriff Dad

The Gift That Keeps Giving

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5


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      asdf 8 years ago

      This show is a crime against humanity. The stupidity IS scary though :)