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Harper's Island ep 9

Updated on September 30, 2014
Abby Harpers Island
Abby Harpers Island | Source

Random Stephen King Reference, Anyone?

Stephen King's Christine
Stephen King's Christine | Source
 

We finally have all of the suspects/victims trapped alone on the island. This wasn't accomplished in the most believable way, but this isn't exactly Shakespeare. Now let's watch them get picked off "one-by-one." There are still plenty of characters that I would like to see chopped to bits.

The diary is probably the most annoying development in the season thus far. They were acting like it was causing the murders; as if the mere touch of it cast a spell causing its possessor to harpoon the closest redhead. Is this supposed to be the library version of Stephen King's Christine? By now, the killer(s) surpassed Wakefield's body count, so obviously, they don't need some stupid "Murder for Dummies" journal to get the job done.

I also don't believe that Sheriff Dad has been the one stabbing people with garden tools. He might have been a little dismayed at the fact that Wakefield impregnated his wife, but not enough to end the Wellington bloodline. It doesn't make any sense for this entire bloodbath to be about Abby. Why is she still alive? They've been wiping out the Wellington family first, and she has nothing to do with them. Unless Henry is in love with Abby and instead of running away with her, he's trying to kill off anyone who would stand between them. Psychopaths aren't exactly the most logical thinkers.

Even if unrequited love isn't his motivation, Henry's true colors are starting to show. First of all, he didn't even take a second to wipe his brother's blood off of his face. The Bride had to do it for him. He also didn't lie about how JD died well at all. We saw a similar situation back when Seth Rogen shot himself in the leg. Unconvincing = guilty. Plus, would "Nice Henry" beat the crap out of Shane like that? He's a lot stronger than he seems-psycho killers generally are (cue the Talking Heads song).

I hypothesized weeks ago that Wakefield had a disgruntled offspring somewhere out there. I didn't expect that Sherriff Dad's wifey would turn out to be Wakefield's babymama, but I don't believe that Abby is the result of their affair. Maybe it's Henry (or Seth Rogen) and that's why he's killing everyone. I just hope it's not Jimmy because that's disgusting. At least they're expanding the suspect pool-it's about time they point the finger at Abby!

Shane made quite the astute observation, that they could be locking themselves in with the killer instead of locking him out. He followed up this moment of logic by hitting on Slut Stepmom over shots while everyone else is trying to not get dead. I guess nobody's perfect!

It's pretty ridiculous that they all gathered together in one place to be safe, and yet people are still wandering off. Obviously these characters have never seen any of the horror movies that this show shamelessly steals plotlines from. Plus, what kind of dumbasses go into caves during a murder spree? Not to sound like the anti-gun Brit, but they were more likely to randomly shoot each other in that circumstance than find the killer.

Sidebar: Abby getting pulled out of the tunnel by the feet is what my nightmares are made of.

Why wouldn't Abby immediately ask Demon Child who brought her down into the tunnel? That way, when they stumbled upon that person, Abby could pull some ninja moves on him/her. Speaking of absurd, there is absolutely no way that Shea would have seen Demon Child's hand coming out of the sewer in her side view mirror. Redonkulous!

What was up with the gratuitous PTSD sex between Charlie and Chloe? That's just a recipe for death. I guess they have an alibi in case anyone decides to suspect them...

I couldn't help but to roll my eyes at Demon Child's claim that Sheriff Dad took her. I see a ridiculous explanation in the upcoming episode! How could Sheriff Dad stabbed Slut Stepmom in the back with hedge clippers while slowly bleeding to death and have no one notice? Puh-lease!

Henry on Harpers Island
Henry on Harpers Island | Source

Suspects

Henry and the guy with the Seth Rogen glasses TOGETHER

Zack Morris-he's annoyed enough to pull it off

Gonna Die

Sheriff Dad-maybe then people will stop pointing the finger at him

Zack Morris-he shoulda escaped on the boat when he had the chance

Shane-he's just a pain in the foot

Maggie-she appears to have no purpose

Casualties

Cousin Ben

Uncle Marty

The Minister

Kelly

Paris Hilton Wannabe

Hunter Jennings

Seth Rogen (or so they want us to think!)

Thomas Wellington

Ginger (AKA Richard)

Chops

Sheriff's Deputy

The Man Without a Face

JD

Bridesmaid

Slutty Stepmom

The Best Part About Watching the Show

 

Harper's Island: The Drinking Game (Only play if you're over 21!)

When any of these things occur drink the corresponding number of sips:

Cry: 1

Scream: 1

Weapon: 1

Drinking: 1

Cheap Scare: 1

Mysterious Notes: 1

Underwear: 1

Horror movie cliché: 2

Sex: 3

Someone dies: 5

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