Holy Crap My Blog Stinks
Note to the reader: it helps if you yell the words while reading this - trust me.
Wait; can I say CRAP on Hub Pages? Hold on, let me check . . .
-PAUSE FOR AFFECT- (don't read this, do it)
Did you pause? if not, go back and do it again . . . Yes, as it turns out, I can. I put crap (the word not the stuff) in the search box and tons of hits came up. Whew! that was a close-one; don’t want to get kicked out on my first post. So, my bog stinks, there, I have admitted it to the world. Please, someone help me. I want to make lots of money blogging. To be a “SIX FIGURE” Internet mogul, reveal the secrets to me, I want to act now, there are only a few positions left, make me new and improved!
I have a dream but my blog stinks. WHAT IS MY DREAM: to sit around all day in my underwear watching the cash roll-in.
SIDE BAR: look at the title of this article and just pretend, for a moment, that it is that last page of Mad Magazine. Now, carefully, fold the pages at the arrows and you get “Crap Stinks!” Now, you gotta admit that’s funny. But I digress . . .
What is wrong with my blog? – help me please! I have no focus. I write about a lot of things, but it’s all boring. I need a message – the next message – the message folks what to hear (did I say folks? Who am I George W?). I also need lots of bells and whistles (that’s a figure of speech people). I need to “optimize” I need SEO . . . I don’t know what SEO is; how do I get some of this SEO. Do you know how many people want to tell me about SEO? Wait, I will check.
-HOLD ON, BE RIGHT BACK- (are you reading this? nuts!)
I’m back! Isn't it cool to be reading a live blog . . . I mean, it’s live!
Alright, I Googled SEO and got one billion, six hundred and thirty million results!! Let me repeat (now in a quiet voice: which serves two purposes –  it emphasizes a point and  it makes my article longer - ok now loud again) . . . ONE BILLION SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY MILLION!!!! Which one do I choose? Who do I trust? Maybe number 239,407 or 789,451 or who knows?
SIDE BAR: did you know that SEO also stands for South East Ohio, Synthetic Engine Oil, Special Exemption Order (but only in the UK) and a couple of dozen other things. Wait, what was I talking about?
I don’t know if I would use that synthetic engine oil or not – heard it works pretty well, but I am undecided. What if I became an expert in SEO – Synthetic Engine Oil? I could write about it on my blog and people would come from far and wide to learn about Synthetic Engine Oil. I might get lots of guys looking for the blogging SEO – you know that optimizing thing and then they would realize my blog was about Synthetic Engine Oil – that would be funny. This could be it . . . Yes, Yes . . . No, I don’t think it will help my blog at all. I’d only get a few petro-chemical engineers and other nerdy types.
Do you see my problem? I got a lot of problems. If I could make a lot of money, I just know all my problems would melt away. I need help! This blogging is complicated. Not the writing part, that’s easy . . . unless you don’t know how to write or can’t type or have bad spelling or bad grammar, you know, or bombed your high school writing class. “When I think back at all the crap I leaned in High School.” Hey there’s that “crap” word again – great, now I’m going to have that song floating around in my head for a few days. Maybe the writing is hard? OK, I have some of those issues but I write anyway . . . it’s a free country, sort of. It’s the other stuff that’s really hard, like . . .
I need a mailing list and then if I have one, I need to send everyone a newsletter every once and a while – yikes. Then I need to write an E-BOOK! H- E- double hockey sticks (I don’t know if I can say that word?), I am already writing a blog, now I got a write newsletters and an e-book. Then I will need a launch page. What the heck is that? I got your launch page right here – if you know what I mean. I need to connect to Twitter (a place for Twits) and Face Book (a place for teenagers and, I guess, now, corporate America) and don't get me started on U-Tube . . . boil me in oil and get it over with already. Oh, yeah, I also need an RSS Feed.
SIDE BAR: did you know that RSS stands for over 250 things? Including: Root Sum Square, Reactor Safety Study (eeks) and Regional Spatial Strategy (but only in the UK) just to mention a few. How do I get this RSS feed? Sounds like something you give to the cows?
SIDE BAR: Wait, can I have two side bars in row – could be a major faux pas – that’s French you know – I’m not eating any freedom fries, I just want French fries, thank you very much. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah; according to the Urban Dictionary the work “eeks” is “often used by girls when surprised. Great! Now I’m girly (I don’t even know if that’s a word?).
I could go on all day about my plight but there is no time and I’m really sick of writing this – I bet you’re sick of reading it too – if you even made it this far. I need to start making money so I have time to sit back and take it easy, maybe contemplate life, my girliness, and other things. Can anyone out there help me? . . . please . . . as you can see, my blog, it's crap.