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Hot Heidi Montag, Her Secrets Revealed!

Updated on April 12, 2011

You know who's hot right now? Heidi Montag. She's so hot its like she just re-entered the earth's atmosphere after a trip through the outer regions of the solar system. What's the secret of her hotness? Why do you want to know? Do you seek to emulate her success? If so, forget it right now, scientists have already proven that Heidi is the hottest element in the known Universe.

Why? It's fiendishly simple.

Heidi is hot because she looks good. Unlike other celebrities who might be talented actors, or singers, or who perhaps have had dirty tapes of their private carnal pleasures released, Heidi Montag is famous for no reason other than the fact that she has fearlessly undergone every possible procedure, surgical and otherwise, to ensure that she looks great. It's worked. Heidi looks amazing, but at what price? If you're like me (and you are), you'll have noted with interest the slack jawed expression of pure glee that seems to perpetually inhabit her face.

Some people say that this is a sign she's fake, or perhaps really sensitive to Prozac, but I sensed a deeper truth whilst gazing at candid picture after candid picture of Heidi completely at ease, unaware of photographers who were capturing her in the raptures of pure joy. After a period of observing her, and consulting with preeminent experts on happiness (big shout out to you, Mittens the cat), I concluded that it was possible that Heidi had in fact obtained enlightenment, not through meditation, but through ceaseless focus on the transient and the superficial.

In order to confirm this, I interviewed Heidi Montag (mostly in my own mind, in reality I fear any celebrity with more guns than neurons too much to approach them in any real sense, and Heidi has at least three guns.)

Hope: Heidi, why is your mouth always wide open in a silent cry of glee?

Heidi: 'Ha ha ha ha, I don't know. I had a lobotomy, you know, to reduce excess weight - they said I didn't really need the frontal lobe as I wasn't using it anyway, and the next thing you know, I'm just so happy all the time!'

Hope: Heidi, why.... Heidi? (The interview had to be paused at this point in time as Heidi spotted something sparkling on the ground and raced off to investigate it. She returned a few minutes later with some aluminum foil shaped into a cap and perched at a rakish angle on her head.)

Heidi: 'Shiny!'

I stared at her in awe, silent. As I watched, Heidi stripped down to a pink bikini and started making out with a lawn gnome which she kept calling 'Spencer'. She was eventually torn away from the ceramic embrace of her solemn lover by the appearance of the real Spencer, who clicked his fingers and whistled to her from a few feet away. She was off like a shot, nuzzling around his pockets for a treat with her nose, and trying to jump up on him, wagging her tail with great enthusiasm. I didn't see what happened as he took her hand and walked away with her, but I like to think that she got that treat she was after.


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