How Not To Approach An Established Author

Whelp, I will say that I have an author that I emulate to the nth degree, he isPatrick McManus, former writer of The Last Laugh in Outdoor Life Magazine. Pat has several books as well to include my favorite, "They Shoot Canoes Don't They." Even though I emulate his style of writing very closely, I am much funnier and unlike Pat I lack any sort of style. His books are a compilation of short stories that reflect his childhood and adulthood and unfortunately my stories are a compilation of my childhood combined with my adult life as well. That is the direction I would like to take. I envy Pat's sens of sarcasm and his ability to take the simplest of life's tasks, complicate them into a snarled backlash and leave me in fits of laughter.

Thanks for your help and suggestions. When do the checks start rolling in because I really need a new couch?

Sincerely,

Yada, yada, yada

Pat and I are both outdoors-men thus the play on words to the opening of my letter to him below. It is always a good idea to open with a line or two to make yourself seem less intelligent than the author you are contacting. It will set the author at ease when they feel that you are the dirt that soils their soles. I am a master at making people feel at ease in this way. Sometimes I am so good that they even go as far as referring to me as a loser or a low life. There is no better boost to my self esteem than at this time.

Deer Pat, ...Wait. Deerest...no...

Start again..

Hey Pat,

I have been writing for about a month now and I am your number one fan. Don't let that fact deter you, please keep reading. Over the years I have enjoyed your work and I can identify with all of your characters and themes, all of the way down to "Strange" the dog. As I began my writing career I lowered my standard and sense of style to match your whit and sarcasm. I am going to be famous, but I don't want to over do it, so I chose you to emulate.

I am working with an editor now and she is guiding me down the path of least resistance to a star on the sidewalks of Hollywood. She keeps saying stuff like "yeah, a star on a sidewalk in Hollywood, Nebraska". Is this where all of the really famous writers get recognized? I figure since you are a writer of sorts that you may have a colleague that is actually famous and would know.

Anyway, I have visited your Web Site and stole this address to write to you. You should consider keeping that address hidden, there are some real flakes out there. You don't want to be bothered by too much amateurish nonsense and dribblings.

I realize that you may not receive this right away, but I am hoping one of your hired goons will pass it on to you. Now that I have managed to destroy my future as a writer in the previous three paragraphs, I am including my "review" of you to my editor and a story or two that I wrote. I saw on your "contact us" that stories were welcomed. After you read mine you may want to reconsider that option for the general public.

Last, I want to thank you for the years of smiles, laughs and sore ribs. Many of your stories and one liners have stuck with me like a bad hangover and I not only appreciate you but I applaud you.



Pat, This is the story that I wanted to share:

Blood on the Banks of Sebewa Creek

If you actually read that, I would love to know your thoughts and input.

Thank you so much for your time

Sincerely,

Yada, yada, yada

I wrote the previous letter to the Mcmanus camp two months ago. I have yet to hear personally from Pat. I have received hints of his adoration thru court doccuments and even a visit from the local police. Pat is a real kidder and will go to any length to contact me in a discreet manor. I like the way he sends "officials" usually uniformed officers as hints for me to write more about him and obviously to contact him via e-mail. Pat's genius nearly supercedes my own. It is no wonder he stays in such close contact with me; I am so priviledged. I truely believe that by following the same steps I have taken you too could be as close to your "emulant" as I am.

They Shoot Canoes Don't They?

A Fine And Pleasant Misery

Never Sniff A gift Fish

The Grasshopper Trap

Many More

Pat and I have never met and therefore any reference to pals, buddy, friend or even co-existing humans is strictly fantasy and of my imagination. I do not claim to be Pat's friend, bud or pal even though he may insist upon it from here on out.

Edit: Mr. McManus did eventually reach out to me to share his thoughts. He wrote me quite a humorous leter before he passed away. I saved it in my Gmail account which I was promptly locked out of. I will never see his words to me again. But, thank you Pat for making my amateur career highlight reel. I'm blessed. R.I.P. good friend.

_____________© 2009 Richard L. Thorp Jr._________________

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