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How To Deal With Embarrassment.
Because we all need to know...
Everyone gets embarrassed. Whether you're a hobo who woke up without pants, or a celeb that forgot to wear underwear. At some point, something will happen to you that will make you the center of attention in a negative way.
Maybe you just got rejected in front of your entire class, maybe you ran out of gas on the side of the road, perhaps your undefeated football team just lost to the New York Giants. Whatever it may be. Embarrassment sucks.
Hi, I'm Ryan Smith, and believe it or not, I too once felt embarrassed.
I know what you're thinking,
but Ryan, you're so swell and keen, how could this be?
Well, I could tell you..
But then I'd have to kill you.. Or just be embarrassed all over again.
In this book, I will teach you the only way to cure embarrassment. If you follow these steps, Your embarrassment will disappear just like your childhood hopes and dreams.
Step one. Mourn
Lets face it, whatever you did, it sucked. Sally was into you, and you just tripped and fell into your lunch in front of the whole cafeteria. Do you really think she wants to be with the guy with the mashed potato Mona Lisa all over his Chiodos shirt? Probably not. Take the time, four seconds at the most, to mourn your failure as a suave human being. Accept that time travel is impossible and you can't take back what you did (Unless you have a flux capacitor, in which case I may know a guy...). Move on.
Step two. Laugh at yourself.
Nobody likes the guy who collapses in self pity and cries. We were all perfectly happy mocking you and selfishly bombarding your self-esteem until you manipulated us with your tears of insecurity. Suck it up. In fact, act as if it is more entertaining to you than anyone else. Laugh loudly and gesture at your error. Congratulations, you are the center of attention. There is hope for Sally yet. Don't laugh too long, or people will think you are insane, or worse, emotionally secure. Be careful that your laughter doesn't slowly fade into tears, because then you will have revealed your pain and violated the first rule of this book. Do not talk about Ry-book. The Second rule? I can't tell you, because it would be breaking the first rule.
Step three. Immediately become invisible.
Unless you are Batman, this may prove to be difficult. But if people can't see you, they probably won't think about you, and studies show that 1/2 of 0% of Americans that were raised in my house won't laugh at you (This study is legit, I conducted it myself.) After you have laughed off your misery, the attention of the room will eventually abandon you. Either to the Television or how low the cut on Sally's shirt is... She's kindof a bimbo, she's flirting with that fathead of Justin Bieber. Or is it Tom Brady? If it is a physical embarrassment, attempt to mend it. If you got rejected, claim that a friend dared you to do it, make sure that friend is not nearby and is unavailable by text message. Don't talk to people, just spend a week in your uncles beachhouse sippin margaritas and flirting with the maid. It's okay that she doesn't speak english.
Step four. The final step
After you have attained ninja level invisibility, attempt to become social again. Tag your friends in a photo on Facebook, and then delete the photo. When they post on your wall asking what they were tagged in, claim you never tagged them and begin a conversation. Social networking is a great way to return to normalcy. You can stalk them and coincidentally have tickets to see Taio Cruz, or perhaps crash her wedding, because you know Bill was with Jen behind Sally's back. Here's the tough part.
Eventually, whether it's that day, or your classmate turned co-worker, over the course of... (11th, 12th, Freshman), Four years, your terrible embarrassment will rear its ugly head and bite you like a PMS'ing Black Mamba.
and for this there is only one solution.
Hmm? Whats that? Defend yourself? Laugh it off? What! Are you crazy?!
Obviously! You dye your hair a drastic color, start speaking a in a different accent, wear platform boots and change your name to Pierre. Then you pack your Xbox and copy of Assasins Creed:Brotherhood and run away. You hitchhike a ride to Arizona, when you shave your head, buy flip-flops, and grow a mustache. You go under the name of Lebron and start life over. You marry your landlady so she'll stop asking for rent, get a job at the local movie theatre and pretend the first 18-40 years of your life were erased by Amnesia. You name your daughter Sally and live the rest of your days, free of the burden of that awful embarrassment.
About The Author:
Ryan Smith lives in the back of his Blazer and struggles to make ends meet as a preacher in Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. He just lost the rights to this book in his 6th divorce. He has two children, Jon and Roy, neither of which he has seen since he claimed he was the "White Michael" and went on tour with Tojo. His life before 2004 is under federal investigation.