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Can Cthulhu Help Your Career?| Pray Hard or Use Wicca to Solve Work Related Issues?|10 Steps to Solve Work Issues
What to do when you're screwed.
Someone once said that, nothing is impossible, if you do not have to do the impossible yourself. Therefore, having to complete a few months of work in a week is easy (or so your boss thinks). Combine that philosophy with the fact that there is research that suggests most deadlines are arbitrary in nature, and one might find one’s self in an impossible situation.
An impossible situation like not meeting a deadline, completing a project, or trying to correct a huge mistake you made before the boss or corporate finds out. Relax, there are at least ten things you can do to make the impossible, well, possible.
1. Pray. When I say pray, I mean pray hard. The following prayer may help, but the prayer must be said loudly with a Monty Python voice: O’ Lord who I love so very much. O’ Lord whose house of worship I visit twice a year. Dear God who is willing to forgive all of my transgressions. Lord of Hosts, who will forgive my stash of porno, the watching of Tosh.0, the pot I smoked when younger. Holy, Holy, Holy who will overlook the selling of my soul to the corporation please help this miserable sinner, walking dung heap , breather of other’s people air and move this deadline or finish this task or project for me. Amen. In addition, you might want to consider praying to other gods. This is not a time to be prejudice against other faiths.
2. Give human sacrifice a try. Human sacrifice has a long and rich tradition with the human race. Human sacrifice was done to ensure the rising of the sun, good crops, and good luck. Who are you to question the wisdom of the millions who came before you? Besides, there is always one office jerk everyone can agree upon to sacrifice. Warning, if this idea does not work, you may spend a long time in prison followed by an eternity in hell.
3. Give voodoo rituals a shot. If human sacrifice is little too much, try voodoo rituals. You probably have access to the internet, so you have a world of dark magic readily available at your finger tips. It is much easier to attack an image of a person rather than the real thing. If it comforts you, politicians, bigots, and nations have been doing this for thousands of years.
4. Buddhist chants may help. These prayers/ incantations may be very helpful. At the very least, they might release stress.
5. Raise Cthulhu from the abyss. This is even more extreme than human sacrifice, because you are pretty much ending the world to save your own skin. Sure, you might survive for a few years under Cthulhu’s reign, and he does have a better health plan and benefits package than you currently have, but that is not saying much.
6. Consult the Wiccan in the office. Okay, nothing to this point has helped, and you might be in trouble because of the human sacrifice, so what do you have to lose by asking that strange office girl or the middle aged hippie woman about the goddess?
7. Hindu mysticism may be an option. Hindu mysticism is very popular right now, but most people do not know they are practicing it. You might recognize it as visualization. Just visualize that you do not have problem and they will go away (good luck with that).
8. Think really, really, positive. You can do anything if you are positive enough, right. Even Zig Ziglar does not believe that being positive would make you a good brain surgeon if you never went to school for it but give it a shot.
9. Sell your soul to Beelzebub. True, you probably already have sold your soul a long, long time ago, but you really do not have many other options right now.
10. Wake up the sleeping giant. No, I am talking about your unused and undiscovered talents and potential. I am talking about the giant, some existentialist believe, that is currently dreaming about us about because we are not real (in my opinion pain seems to define reality quickly but I digress). How do you wake the giant, well, I have no idea; however, I am not the one who has to wake him up.
In closing, I hope that these suggestions at least gave you a chuckle in your darkest hour, and I would appreciate any comments or stories that you have about screwing up at work.