How to punish yourself

Just have someone lock you in a room for the first two. A suggestion for your helper is that they wear earplugs to protect themselves from the screaming that will no doubt emanate from within the confinement area. For the more adventurous try the last three.

• Play a recording of women’s curling. The part where they shout “HARD. HARD. HARD.” Repeatedly. Why do they do that? Did they learn that from women’s tennis where they grunt with every shot. For that matter, men’s curling will work as well. All much like scratching nails on a blackboard to me.

• Play a recording of Roseanne Barr or Carl Lewis singing the American national anthem. If you can’t locate a copy, use any one of the rejections from the many years of American Idol.

• Go to the bank right around the end of normal daytime working hours on a Friday.

• Shop for groceries on a Saturday morning. For that matter, shop for anything on a Saturday morning.

• Go to the passport office or any other government office when it first opens up for a new business day.

Actually, I avoid all of those as much as possible. I really don’t think you should punish yourself since so many others are trying to take on that role for you. Perhaps I could rename this piece “How to entertain the In-Laws” or “What to get Gary Bettman for his birthday”. If you don’t know who Gary Bettman is, well you’re not missing a whole lot. He happens to be the commissioner (aka president) of the National Hockey League. Another lawyer trying to do something in sports, which they should not do just because they can’t play sports and all they end up doing is ruining someone else’s fun. Did you know he is reported to be paid $7 million/year for what he does? I will offer my services for just $1 million.

I originally named this piece “How to demoralize your enemies” but I really don’t have any enemies. There are just people I don’t particularly like to be near so I just avoid them. Dictionary.com defines enemy with these definitions, as well as some others.

• a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

• an armed foe; an opposing military force

Hate is something that you must feel really strong about and seems to be such a major waste of time and energy. I just don’t particularly like some people and don’t really mean them serious harm. Just a little pain is all that is necessary.

So I guess this piece isn’t what you expected? Sometimes we need to have a little fun. Writing is fun and you should try it.

After writing this story initially, I would also add another way to punish yourself. Try to get a support issue resolved by talking to the outsourced service that resides in India for businesses like computers, communications companies and banks. The companies that contract these operations feel this is an adequate way to supply customer support. By trying to save money on this necessary service to all customers, they fail miserably at providing Excellent Customer Service. My future approach for these companies is to not buy their products. So Dell Canada, Bell Canada and McAfee, I will not be renewing any contract with you or buying your products in the future. If you are serious about providing proper support you will have an office in every country that you do business staffed by individuals that are knowledgeable, helpful, understandable and devoted to resolving a customer's issues and frustrations. It is not enough to provide minimal support in today's business world. That is a formula for failure.