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Miley Cyrus To Retire At Seventeen

Updated on October 13, 2009

Miley Cyrus is to retire when she hits 17, and her handlers have announced plans to put her to stud almost immediately. The next generation of child stars is already being groomed for inevitable disaster, and it is feared that the Cyrus dynasty could die out with Miley if she does not produce an heir in short order.

Rocked by scandal after scandal, Miley is already showing signs of making an A1 train wreck when she is just a little older. It has not yet been revealed whether she will marry an extra from Hannah Montana, or if she will fall prey to the lustful advances of a senior producer, but industry executives and pundits both agree that if Miley doesn't derail her thus far stellar career at some point in the next 12 to 18 months she risks falling into the ignominious obscurity which dogs child stars who don't have the grit and determination that it takes to form a drug dependency, make a sordid sex tape, or create an illegitimate child.

Ever one to heed the advice of her management, Miley has been involved in two scandals in recent months, first the dirty photo shoot where she revealed that she had a back, and then when her phone was hacked it was demonstrated that Miley also likes to take naughty pictures of herself in the shower. British mothers moved to ban Miley from their homes after the cell pictures were revealed, but unfortunately, it was too late. Their children's minds had already been infected, and one horrified mother reported finding Barbie's play house turned into a rehab center for teen sex addicts.

The Consequences Of Exposure To Miley...

Other parents were less concerned, laughing off the pictures as normal teenage hijinks. "If I had a penny for every time I took a picture of my breasts in a wet t-shirt when I was a teenager, well, I'd be a multi millionaire by now' laughed porn star Lotta Tivitties when asked her opinion on the matter.

Of course, the franchising and merchandising won't stop at Cyrus's retirement aka inevitable pregnancy. There are plans to release a line of Hannah Montana baby care products, including high chairs, cots, baby wipes, and emergency screaming bag to yell into when in the middle of the night you realize you've ruined your life forever.

For the older children, talks are in progress with various pharmaceutical companies to develop a Miley Methadone program. "Recovering from a serious drug addiction will never have been so cool!" Raves a source who wished to remain unnamed, but claimed to be the living reincarnation of Walt Disney.

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    • profile image

      haylee stockman 

      8 years ago

      its not miley fault

    • profile image

      amy 

      8 years ago

      i love your songs hanna montana u are the bome. yeah!

    • profile image

      Mike 

      8 years ago

      This is the best thing to happen to the music industry since the Beatles!!!! :D

      and the worst thing to happen to the movie industry without precedent.

    • profile image

      tt 

      8 years ago

      miley did nothing wwrong and i dont know why she wants 2 let her career go and move on! i think the right decision for her is to stay for her fans!

    • profile image

      Nikki 

      9 years ago

      Miley is awesome. What horrible thing do you guys think she did? She's a great role model. Have you heard the Hannah Montana songs? Nobody's Perfect. Who Said. Life's What You Make It. They're all about problems that everyone has. They give kids good advice.

    • Kosmo profile image

      Kelley Marks 

      9 years ago from California

      Perhaps the most interesting aspect of Miley is listening to what people have to say about her. There's some serious human interaction going on here - the Miley Cyrus effect, yeah!

    • profile image

      mnm2kool 

      9 years ago

      why can she retire my kids ove her and she is a big hit

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      10 years ago

      Actually, I personally don't think Miley did do anything horrible. She's a teen girl who has been groomed into being a cash cow for a network to the point where she has no life outside it.  I don't think she should have apologized, I think she should have told everyone to go screw themselves.

    • profile image

      omg lol 

      10 years ago

      yo she might of done that horrible thing but she did say sorry

    • profile image

      robertkelleher 

      10 years ago

      I THINK SHE IS TRASH. AS ALL OTHER MISGUIDED TEENS. HER FATHER BILLY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HER WAYS. JUST BECAUSE HIS CAREER DIVED SHOULD NOT MEAN HE LIVED HIS CAREER THROUGH HIS DAUGHTER. SHE WAS MIS HANDLED.

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