Miley Cyrus To Retire At Seventeen

Miley Cyrus is to retire when she hits 17, and her handlers have announced plans to put her to stud almost immediately. The next generation of child stars is already being groomed for inevitable disaster, and it is feared that the Cyrus dynasty could die out with Miley if she does not produce an heir in short order.

Rocked by scandal after scandal, Miley is already showing signs of making an A1 train wreck when she is just a little older. It has not yet been revealed whether she will marry an extra from Hannah Montana, or if she will fall prey to the lustful advances of a senior producer, but industry executives and pundits both agree that if Miley doesn't derail her thus far stellar career at some point in the next 12 to 18 months she risks falling into the ignominious obscurity which dogs child stars who don't have the grit and determination that it takes to form a drug dependency, make a sordid sex tape, or create an illegitimate child.

Ever one to heed the advice of her management, Miley has been involved in two scandals in recent months, first the dirty photo shoot where she revealed that she had a back, and then when her phone was hacked it was demonstrated that Miley also likes to take naughty pictures of herself in the shower. British mothers moved to ban Miley from their homes after the cell pictures were revealed, but unfortunately, it was too late. Their children's minds had already been infected, and one horrified mother reported finding Barbie's play house turned into a rehab center for teen sex addicts.

Other parents were less concerned, laughing off the pictures as normal teenage hijinks. "If I had a penny for every time I took a picture of my breasts in a wet t-shirt when I was a teenager, well, I'd be a multi millionaire by now' laughed porn star Lotta Tivitties when asked her opinion on the matter.

Of course, the franchising and merchandising won't stop at Cyrus's retirement aka inevitable pregnancy. There are plans to release a line of Hannah Montana baby care products, including high chairs, cots, baby wipes, and emergency screaming bag to yell into when in the middle of the night you realize you've ruined your life forever.

For the older children, talks are in progress with various pharmaceutical companies to develop a Miley Methadone program. "Recovering from a serious drug addiction will never have been so cool!" Raves a source who wished to remain unnamed, but claimed to be the living reincarnation of Walt Disney.