Hilarious Jokes & Posters to make you Laugh & Cry at Life.
Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I would ever quote a Presbyterian Minister’s Sermon in the Humorous section of any publication – yet here I am and so is he.
It was Monday rush hour in the small city. The driver of one coupe was being harassed by a tailgating SUV. The SUV was so close that all he could see in the mirror was the grille of the following car. Tailgaters were a way of life and normally he wouldn’t bother about them, or adjust his interior mirror so that he couldn’t see the following car, but there was something about this one that had his nerves on edge. Perhaps it was the constant over revving of its engine that had his nerves jangling, or perhaps it was the fact that even with his mirror askew he could still see its full beam headlights in his exterior mirrors.
He realised that to make a turn, or stop, he would have to give the tailgater plenty of warning to prevent a rear end collision. He’d already made allowances for the possibility of a rear ender by slowing down; to make sure that his driving wouldn’t be controlled by the vehicle in front. Even at that he could feel himself tensing as he approached the next set of lights. The lights were fitted with a police camera, and they had been at green a long time. No matter what happened, he wasn’t driving though on amber (or ‘soft yellow’ as a friend named them as her excuse for driving through them), or a red.
As he suspected, the lights changed, but he was far enough back to be able to stop without causing damage to the rear of his car. When he did stop, there was a barrage of horn blowing, shouting and swearing from the female driver of the SUV. The SUV was relatively new and it had stickers all over it; ‘Sunday School Teacher’ was one of them, and on the rear bumper there was a sign saying ‘Do you follow Jesus this close?’ On the side window the sign was The Christian fish with ‘Jesus’ printed inside it.
As the woman continued shouting, there was a loud rap on her side window. Outside was a policeman; he had his hand on the butt of his gun as he beckoned her out of the car. When she got out, she was ushered into the back seat of the patrol car, taken to the police station and locked up in a holding cell. During all this time, not a word was spoken.
Three hours later a different policeman appeared, and unlocked the cell door.
“Sincere apologies, Madam, there has been a terrible mistake. When the patrolman heard you swearing and shouting at the driver in front, he took in the signs on your SUV and immediately thought you had stolen the vehicle. I’m sure you can appreciate his mistake.”
Beware All Men
Usually warnings are issued to women to be careful in dark car parks when they go shopping in the evenings. This warning is for men, who also get taken advantage of in car parks.
The scam normally begins in spring, so be careful out there guys. Grocery shopping has now become a dangerous chore. And don’t think it can’t happen to you – it can happen to any man, regardless of age.
Here’s how it works.
Two stunning girls come over to you as you are packing your groceries into the trunk of your car. It is obvious as they walk towards you, that they are not wearing bras – you can tell this because they are hardly wearing tee shirts. Without asking, they both start cleaning the car windshield and windows.
They have to stop now and then to snuggle their breasts back into their ‘almost’ tee shirts. And by this time your eyes are popping out in time with their breasts. Try as you might, not that you try very hard; you can’t keep your eyes off their firm breasts. When you are ready to drive off, you offer the girls a tip. They refuse and instead ask for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree, and the girls climb in the back seat. Once there, they begin to undress. One of the girls climbs over into the front seat and begins unzipping and unbuttoning you until she can molest your private parts. As this is going on, the girl in the back seat steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 5th, 10th, 11th, twice on the 16th, 18th, 21st, 22nd and 28th. In June I had my wallet stolen on the 2nd, 5th, twice on the 9th, 17th, 24th, 27th and 28th, three times last Tuesday and at least three times this upcoming weekend?
Tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of old men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $5.99 each. But the Dollar Store has cheaper ones – I bought out their entire stock at $1.25 each. Also, you will never get the chance to eat at McDonalds; with the result you will lose weight. I’ve lost 12 lbs so far and summer has a long way to go.
Old Irish Couple
An old Irish couple from Dublin were married for 40 years. And over that 40 years there were many arguments.
Whenever there was an argument, the neighbours could hear them yelling at each other deep into the night. It kept the neighbours awake.
The old man would shout, "When I die ya auld hag, I'll dig me way up out of the grave and come back and haunt yer arse for the rest of yer life."
The neighbours feared him. The auld man loved the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, the auld man died of a heart attack when he was 88.
At his funeral, his wife made sure he was buried in a closed casket. At the funeral, concerned for his widow's safety, her neighbours asked her, "Are ye no a wee bit afraid that he really will dig his way out of the grave and haunt you forever?"
The widow said, "Let the auld sod dig. I had him buried upside down, and being a man I know he won't ask for directions."
We take our car to a small Autochecker repair shop to be serviced. Two of our reasons for always going there are because they do the job in half the time and at half the price of the large conglomerates.
But there is a more important reason; at large firms we are numbers, not people. The waiting rooms are as large and as coldly impersonal as aircraft hangers, and everybody speaks in hushed whispers because of the echo effect.
At our garage, we are on first name terms and we are treated like one of the family. The waiting room is small, but has a warmth of its own. The posters around the walls show this warmth and the family's sense of humour. Here are some of those humorous and thought provoking posters. Enjoy!
However, as well as smiling at the posters, you are also allowed to laugh at the jokes that friends have sent me.