"I" Can Be A Fabulous Talk Show Host

This hub is dedicated to Conan O'Brien, whom I am not impressed in the least at being a talk show host ~ Kenneth

I happened to catch the last twenty minutes of a "Conan" talk show last night, and it dawned on me. If Conan O'Brien can handle the duties of a talk show, so can I. I mean it. I am just stating the facts and nothing more.

It's only a personal opinion, but I sincerely think that between the media and the gaga-eyed public, there has been this idea that somehow only a celebrity with the clout, power and know-how of (a) Johnny Carson or Jay Leno, can do a talk show. Have you ever had similar thoughts?

I have taken the time to study this subject to the point that I am convinced that you or I, if given the tools and personnel, could be seen as early as next week on any given television network "doing our own thing," and bringing entertainment and joy to millions of people world-wide.

Just what would it take for "me" to be the next super-star talk show host? I am being honest here, so read on and see if you don't agree with me.

To start with . . .

GOOD CREDENTIALS

that means "I" know what it's like to be in the public eye. And I do have some experience at being in the public with my 23 years of newspaper experience and four years of working with a community theater company that I helped to form in June of 1993. Theater will surely "baptise you with fire," if you have never been in front of a crowd. It did me. Quickly. And I've cherished those community theater memories and now I can use them toward my next area of life: A famous talk show host.

"DROP-DEAD" GOOD LOOKS

well, with this one, I shall require some hefty cash to acquire the services of a talented plastic surgeon to make my face into a face that all Americans can easily recognize without a whole lot of gawking and gazing. "look! There's Ken Avery! Star of his own talk show!" fans will yell when I walk down the sidewalk winking at friends, signing autographs and photos of myself. But I don't want my plastic surgery to make me look completely different. Maybe some work on my nose, chin and sagging places in my 59-year-old body. I would wager that most of the established talk show hosts get plastic surgery, so why should I be deprived of having good looks?

A WITTY SIDEKICK

Ed McMahon, rest his soul, was, in my humble opinion, "the" sidekicks to end all sidekicks. Not since McMahon, has there ever been a famous talk show with a sidekick as witty and charming as Ed McMahon. So keeping with the times and fads, I would seek the services of Charlie Sheen. I mean that too. Sheen is no doubt a sure-draw in show business no matter what he does. So with the right kind of money and lawyers, I could get Charlie to be my sidekick, but also fill in for me when I take one of my many week-long vacations as most talk show stars do. And Charlie Sheen still "takes a nip" now and then, so people will align him with the late Ed McMahon, so that is a plus for me.

ABLE TO WEAR STYLISH CLOTHES

such as Van Heusen suits that are shiny and tight-fitting. That means I have to drop a lot of poundage to get into my talk show wardrobe, so that is a small price to pay for my own style of fame. I also would have to wear sharp-toed, low-cut black slippers with matching socks. I hate wearing socks. But for the success of my talk show, I could suffer for two hours, five nights a week from 1 a.m. until 3 a.m. on whatever network would win the bidding war to have me on their airways. I can see it now. TBS would start the bidding at paying me $15 million a year, followed by TNT with a meager $13.5 million. Of course, being the savvy "newbie" celebrity that I am now, I'd chose TNT. Why? Because $13.5 million a year is not their highest bid. In a year or two, TNT would be so glad that I chose them over TBS, well the rest should be remedial. I am seen on CNN, HLN, and those other networks like CBS, NBC and ABC news shows holding up my newest contract of $35 million a year from TNT who said, "we love Ken Avery for his charming ways and big heart." Who could ask for more?

HAVE INTERESTING TALKS WITH STARS SUCH

as John Goodman, Hugh Jackman, Jessica Alba, Tom Selleck and Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac fame. As these stars go on and on about their latest film project, novel, marriage, or television show, all I have to do is . . .nod my head as to agree with them. Say, "that's so cool," or "that's very interesting," and "hold that thought, Hugh. We have to cut away for a quick commercial." See there? How hard are these things to say to celebrities? Not hard at all. And my words are all written on cue cards seen off-stage so I "can" read and "look" like I am interested in whatever star is sitting across from me, so I know that my next level of life will be a famous talk show emcee. During the commercials, I can "network" with these powerful Hollywood stars and get extra work in their shows as a cameo star. What a great life this is going to be.

SAY OFF-THE-WALL REMARKS

at the "drop of a hat." Conan did in the twenty minutes of his show that I caught on TBS. He was in the middle of introducing a newcomer to show business when his producer walked in front of the camera giving Conan amble opportunities to look shocked, roll his eyes upward as if he wasn't aware of what was happening and to get up from his desk and chase the guy down to embarrass him on national television. That Conan never realized that as he was showing off and being down-right silly, he was inspiring me to be next on the talk show scene. And very-easily make people say, "Conan who?"

Here is a typical interview I would have with "spacey" Zoe Deschanel, of ABC's "New Girl."

ZOE: thank you, uhh, giggle, giggle, funny flowers--Ken for having me on your show.

ME: Hey, it's my privilege--hey, do you like dried fruit, Zoe? My producers told me that you look like a prune with that dress on . . .haw, haw. Get a tight shot of this dress. Now audience, doesn't Zoe look just like a prune?

AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

ZOE: uhh, I'm really, like, offended at your making fun of . . .hey, a taco!

ME: uhh, Zoe, no way you even know what offended means, and hey, that taco is one of your clunky shoes that came off when you walked out here.

Then we go to commercial and Zoe leaves for home to the delight of everyone.

A LIVE AUDIENCE

or a show with computer-enhanced laugh tracks and applause. It doesn't matter that much to me, folks. I can work with a live audience or an audience of mannequins.

GREAT WRITERS

to make me look good, and my show as well. Where will I get such talent? Easy. From the other talk shows that failed. Remember The Rikki Lake Show? Well, those writers may still be floating around looking for work and Jay Leno, or Jay as I will soon call him, fire writers all of the time, so I won't be hurting for writers. I want writers who I can bring out and introduce to the audience, a new thing that "I" invented to make my staff feel more like family.

A FANTASTIC BAND

made up of once-famous singers and musicians such as Axel Rose of Guns 'N Roses; Little Stevie from Springsteen's E Street Band; and many more musicians who want their talents to be showcased for more than ten seconds. I will give my band at least two musical numbers to do on every show. Now is that not nice or what? Would Letterman or Conan do that? I don't think so.

LAVISH PUBLICITY STUNTS

such as having a drawing for my first five shows to give away to five lucky audience members, a brand-new fishing boat by Ranger or a two-day cruise to lower Miami or even a gift certificate for their favorite eatery. I think I got this thing made, friends.

AND AS FOR HUBPAGES

I won't desert you. I will devote an hour or two each night to sit down at my laptop and write a hub about that day's show or whom I interviewed or whom I am going to dinner with that next night. And do not worry. I promise you that all of this new-found fame and glory will not change me in the least. You have my word on it.

Oh, my wife (for now), Pam has said to me if I do this, "you might as well get a good divorce attorney," did you see that? It's already happening. I am being threatened with a nasty divorce.

That is a sure-sign that being a talk show host is my next gig.

Why a nasty divorce can be seen as a sign? Just read about Johnny Carson. He was married and divorced five times.

See you in Hollywood.