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How to Fix the United States.

Updated on February 2, 2012

Waiting for groceries made me think.

Staring at the steering wheel of my wife's car made me realize that I had solved all of the problems of the United States in one fell swoop.
Staring at the steering wheel of my wife's car made me realize that I had solved all of the problems of the United States in one fell swoop. | Source

I went to the grocery store today.

Actually, my wife did. We just went shopping a couple of days ago, but the store was out of some sort of Blueberry Tea and Super-Duper Cheese that my wife likes. Liz had some sort of near-crisis need for these products and made me go to the grocery store. On a Sunday. That's truly evil.

So, I just sat in the car. Since she hadn't warned me that she was making me go to the grocery store until after we'd left the house, I didn't have a book along with which to entertain myself. Since I had to sit in the parking lot staring at the steering wheel, I started thinking. It's dangerous, I know, but I did it nonetheless.

Toronto in July

This is a view of downtown Toronto in July.  As you can see, Canada's main export is cold.  Pure, unadulterated cold.  And songs by Rush.
This is a view of downtown Toronto in July. As you can see, Canada's main export is cold. Pure, unadulterated cold. And songs by Rush. | Source

Stop importing weather!

As I was sitting there, freezing because it was 55°F out, I started thinking that all of our bad weather is imported from our neighbors. During the winter, Canada sends us all of their nasty cold air masses. Their main industry is manufacturing ice masses and arctic air. 99% of the Canadian population is employed in Weather Creation.

During the summer, Mexico sends us blasts of scorching wind. Mexican winds are so warm that you can make toast by merely holding a piece of bread out the window when the wind is from the south. And that's in North Dakota. Don't even get me started about what it's like in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. And those boiled peanuts from the deep south? Mexican air coming over the Gulf of Mexico makes those on the vine. I bet you didn't know that peanuts grew like peas. They don't, but for the purpose of this narrative, they do now.

Chimeneas and hot air are Mexico's chief exports.

Chimeneas are used throughout Mexico.  They are part of that country's plan to over-heat the US and cause it to become uninhabitable.
Chimeneas are used throughout Mexico. They are part of that country's plan to over-heat the US and cause it to become uninhabitable. | Source

We need better border restrictions.

Now, I remember when you could go to Canada by merely telling the guy at the border that you planned to buy Codeine and sell it in downtown Seattle. I mean, saying that you were going to Victoria, BC, to enjoy the pretty flowers. Same thing for Mexico: you walked over a bridge, dodged some sketchy folks, and headed down to the cantina y brothel.

We've tightened things up. Now you have to have a passport to go to those places. I mean, Canada is bent on the destruction of the United States by means of cold fronts, so we need some protection in the form of showing a piece of paper we got at the Post Office to come and go. Mexico's the same way. We might show up with too much cheap medicine, surgery, and chimineas if it were too easy.

George Bush The Younger's giant wall to prevent people from coming over and taking jobs no one in their right mind would want for wages no one in their right mind would accept is a step in the right direction. However, it isn't keeping out the horrible weather that both Canada and Mexico seem bent on imposing on us.

In my highly controversial question, "How High Is Up?," (since deleted by HubPages), I learned that the answer is 62 miles. I propose that we build fences that are 62 miles high along the Canadian and Mexican borders. This includes the Alaska/Canadian border, too.

Chicago in winter, come the fences

This is what the Great Lakes should look like once my plan is implemented.  Imagine walking out of your Chicago condo and strolling to this beautiful beach in January.
This is what the Great Lakes should look like once my plan is implemented. Imagine walking out of your Chicago condo and strolling to this beautiful beach in January. | Source

How will the weather change, Doug?

My extensive research, conducted by staring at the steering wheel of my wife's 2011 Toyota Camry, revealed that the weather of the United States would become like unto the Garden of Eden once these 62-mile-high fences are built.

My reasoning is this: the Pacific Northwest has a beautiful climate because of the influence of the Pacific Current. Once the Canadian and Mexican influences are removed, only temperate air from the Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, and Gulf of South Texas and Florida will be allowed to influence our climate. Since the cold, dry air of Canada and hot, dry air of Mexico will no longer be allowed into the United States, we'll all have weather like Hawaii. During special occasions, like December 25th from 8AM to 6PM, we can permit cold air to cross the border and allow a White Christmas.

Exactly how does this fix the US again?

Jobs. Think of how many man-hours and resources it will take to build two 62-mile-high fences along the borders; actually three--I forgot about Alaska there for a second. Think of the research it will take to create materials that can withstand the stress of the air they'll be keeping out. It will be a massive undertaking that will make both the Hoover Dam and Manhattan Project look like elementary school science fair projects.

Once the climate is fixed, all of the US will be temperate, wet, and green. The amount of time off from work because of horrible weather will be eliminated. There will be no weather-related disasters at all. The deserts will bloom. Happiness will abound. Republicans will kiss Democrats. Cats will love Dogs. It will be Heaven on Earth.

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    • Dale Hyde profile image

      Dale Hyde 5 years ago from Tropical Paradise on Planet X

      Well done! I needed some Sunday humor! :)

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Pretty funny stuff. Last time I checked there was no snow in Toronto.

    • DougBerry profile image
      Author

      DougBerry 5 years ago from Abilene, TX

      It must be because everyone's out at the Weather Mine making more snow for the US.

    • profile image

      Kieran Gracie 5 years ago

      There's a much simpler solution to the whole problem - move the Continental US to Hawaii, then let Canada and Mexico obliterate each other with counterblasts of weather!

    • DougBerry profile image
      Author

      DougBerry 5 years ago from Abilene, TX

      But Kieran, I'm not sure whether that would create enough jobs. All that would require are some big bulldozers pushing from the east coast. Of course, we'd need to get some chainsaws and cut loose from our northern and southern neighbors before pushing.

      I think your solution would work. It's nice and simple, but would it cost enough. We have to think like the government. The only way to create jobs is spend other people's money. In this case, we're probably spending the money of people about 10 generations down the line.

    • profile image

      Kieran Gracie 5 years ago

      Yes, but think of the years and years of analyses, studies, consultants' reports, planning meetings, think tanks, etc, etc needed before any real work could start. Plenty of employment there.

      Then the actual move would have to be accompanied by armies of safety experts, environment watchers, weather experts, TV people, Hollywood, medical teams, not to mention security teams needed to keep it all running smoothly.... Then we would need to employ people to sew up the join between Mexico and Canada - that could take many years and lots of workers. Then there would have to be a wall built between the two nations, to stop Mexicans trying to get into Canada.

      Finally there would need to be several post-move studies to see how 'we could learn' from the whole operation. And don't forget the whole new world that would be opened up for those litigation lawyers, the class action suits. Oh dear me, what a great century this could turn out to be!

    • DougBerry profile image
      Author

      DougBerry 5 years ago from Abilene, TX

      Shoot, we may have to run for President next go round with this plan.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. You are obviously really good at this writing thing and the humor thing too. And you certainly didn't go where I expected, but in the end you tied it all up with a nice bow. What fun...and it was free and non-fattening, too! What a deal. :) SHARING :)

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Maybe the footings for the three walls would also take care of the smugglers' tunnels, which Mexico could otherwise use to blow their unwanted hot air into the US defeating the border wall. A name for each wall will be needed (in the traditions of the "Iron Curtain," the "Berlin Wall," the "Bamboo Curtain," the "Great Wall of China.") Maybe adept wordsmiths from HubPages can name them? Why not a short wall and a tall wall and call one project "Mexicali Rows"?

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      All that sitting behind a wheel? I am impressed! the only thing I think of sitting in a car is how quickly I can get back out and indoors for a nice cup of tea! lol! English what can I say? this was really funny, I couldn't stop giggling, so thanks! forgot to say, can you send some of that heat over here to England? maybe build another wall, somewhere somehow...?

    • Civil War Bob profile image

      Civil War Bob 5 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

      Good hub, Doug...voted up, useful, funny, and interesting. Oh, here in Eastern Pa., I've noted for the last 40 years that when wet weather comes from the South it is always a gully-washer rain or foot of snow or more... I think they haven't gotten over the Battle of Gettysburg, but, hey, that's the way I think!

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