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How to Fix the United States.
Waiting for groceries made me think.
I went to the grocery store today.
Actually, my wife did. We just went shopping a couple of days ago, but the store was out of some sort of Blueberry Tea and Super-Duper Cheese that my wife likes. Liz had some sort of near-crisis need for these products and made me go to the grocery store. On a Sunday. That's truly evil.
So, I just sat in the car. Since she hadn't warned me that she was making me go to the grocery store until after we'd left the house, I didn't have a book along with which to entertain myself. Since I had to sit in the parking lot staring at the steering wheel, I started thinking. It's dangerous, I know, but I did it nonetheless.
Toronto in July
Stop importing weather!
As I was sitting there, freezing because it was 55°F out, I started thinking that all of our bad weather is imported from our neighbors. During the winter, Canada sends us all of their nasty cold air masses. Their main industry is manufacturing ice masses and arctic air. 99% of the Canadian population is employed in Weather Creation.
During the summer, Mexico sends us blasts of scorching wind. Mexican winds are so warm that you can make toast by merely holding a piece of bread out the window when the wind is from the south. And that's in North Dakota. Don't even get me started about what it's like in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. And those boiled peanuts from the deep south? Mexican air coming over the Gulf of Mexico makes those on the vine. I bet you didn't know that peanuts grew like peas. They don't, but for the purpose of this narrative, they do now.
Chimeneas and hot air are Mexico's chief exports.
We need better border restrictions.
Now, I remember when you could go to Canada by merely telling the guy at the border that you planned to buy Codeine and sell it in downtown Seattle. I mean, saying that you were going to Victoria, BC, to enjoy the pretty flowers. Same thing for Mexico: you walked over a bridge, dodged some sketchy folks, and headed down to the cantina y brothel.
We've tightened things up. Now you have to have a passport to go to those places. I mean, Canada is bent on the destruction of the United States by means of cold fronts, so we need some protection in the form of showing a piece of paper we got at the Post Office to come and go. Mexico's the same way. We might show up with too much cheap medicine, surgery, and chimineas if it were too easy.
George Bush The Younger's giant wall to prevent people from coming over and taking jobs no one in their right mind would want for wages no one in their right mind would accept is a step in the right direction. However, it isn't keeping out the horrible weather that both Canada and Mexico seem bent on imposing on us.
In my highly controversial question, "How High Is Up?," (since deleted by HubPages), I learned that the answer is 62 miles. I propose that we build fences that are 62 miles high along the Canadian and Mexican borders. This includes the Alaska/Canadian border, too.
Chicago in winter, come the fences
How will the weather change, Doug?
My extensive research, conducted by staring at the steering wheel of my wife's 2011 Toyota Camry, revealed that the weather of the United States would become like unto the Garden of Eden once these 62-mile-high fences are built.
My reasoning is this: the Pacific Northwest has a beautiful climate because of the influence of the Pacific Current. Once the Canadian and Mexican influences are removed, only temperate air from the Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, and Gulf of South Texas and Florida will be allowed to influence our climate. Since the cold, dry air of Canada and hot, dry air of Mexico will no longer be allowed into the United States, we'll all have weather like Hawaii. During special occasions, like December 25th from 8AM to 6PM, we can permit cold air to cross the border and allow a White Christmas.
Exactly how does this fix the US again?
Jobs. Think of how many man-hours and resources it will take to build two 62-mile-high fences along the borders; actually three--I forgot about Alaska there for a second. Think of the research it will take to create materials that can withstand the stress of the air they'll be keeping out. It will be a massive undertaking that will make both the Hoover Dam and Manhattan Project look like elementary school science fair projects.
Once the climate is fixed, all of the US will be temperate, wet, and green. The amount of time off from work because of horrible weather will be eliminated. There will be no weather-related disasters at all. The deserts will bloom. Happiness will abound. Republicans will kiss Democrats. Cats will love Dogs. It will be Heaven on Earth.