I Rewatched all 7 Seasons of Game of Thrones and the Best Character May Suprise You
Game of Thrones sports one of the absolute best ensemble casts in the history of television and with it's final season on the horizon and an absolute disgust for any meaningful use of free time, I have decided to revisit the series and answer the question that every fan is asking. Who is the best?
Before you go off commenting something about how "the best" is a subjective term and "It's obviously Tyrion you idiot" let me first say, you are wrong.
I have done the calculations, poured over the figures and finalized the research and am here to tell you that not only is there a clear cut winner, but I have the scientific evidence to back it up. You see there are only 3 real things one must judge when ranking Game of Thrones characters and they are as follows
1. Sick Hair
2. Sick Burns
3.Current wang condition
Now look, I dont make these rules George R.R.Martin does so if you have any problems take them up with him. I also want to save you all some time and let you know that Jon Snow will not be appearing anywhere on this list and the reason is simple, his cut is weak, his burns are weak and the only mention of his wang is when Ygritte called it pretty, clear crash and burn in all three categories.
Now without further ado, lets get into the honorable mentions.
Honorable Mention #1 Lord Varys
In a world where your cut says a lot about you and most everyone has hair like they are on a million dollar an episode TV show, only one man, nay one person has the stones to go full on que ball. The Master of Whispers himself.
Don't let his outward appearance and demeanor fool you, The Spider can sling with the best of them and so help you if you get in his path when he is on full tilt, there wont be enough aloe in all the Seven Kingdoms to cool your burn.
One of the lesser known facts about the eunuch is that he actually had his member removed years and years ago. Where this would make lesser men into much lesser men, Varys has used it to his advantage. you never want to be in a fight with a man who has nothing to lose.
Runner Up #3 Podrick Payne
If not for his admittingly below par performance in the hair category, this squire could have taken this thing all the way.
Pod is one of the most soft spoken and humble characters across the entire HBO catalogue, and for this reason he scores fairly low in this category.
Now this is where the Squire on Fire earns a majority of his points. Although whatever Pod did to those girls is one of, if not the biggest question going into season 8, it seems that we may never truly find out.
#2 Al Swearengen
This one may really surprise some of but I want to assure and remind you that the science checks out. Al Swearengen from Deadwood is the second best Game of Thrones character and it's not even close.
Burns-Best in the West
Al- Don't make me play that s#!t where you make me drag it outta ya. Declare or shut the f%&k up.
Farnum- Perhaps I've chosen simple mindedness Al.
Al- Say what you're gonna say or prepare for eternal f%*king silence.
While we often see Swedgen satisfying his primal desires, it is more the way he carries it around town that raises his scores here Almost daring anyone to question it's size.
Cersei's End of Season 6/Season 7 Haircut
Hair-Off the Charts
Clearly Cersei's season 7 haircut scores a perfect 89 in the hair category. The power and poise alone rank it higher than all of the Stark haircuts combined.
Burns- Have You Seen the Cept of Baelor Recently?
Cersei has long been a champion of wit, but we all know that haircut is responsible for the biggest burn of all.
Surrounded on all sides by enemies that would rather see nothing more than her head on a spike, Cersei and her "Can I see your manager?" cut still feel like a major favorite to win the whole show.
Well that just about wraps it up. 7 seasons, 67 hours and one haircut to rule them all. Stay tuned come season 8 for more totally legitimate Game of Thrones coverage.