If I Were A Cantaloupe

The cantaloupe is sometimes referred to as 'muskmelon', a most august entity, indeed.

cantaloupe |ˈkantlˌōp| (also cantaloupe melon)

noun

a small, round melon of a variety with orange flesh and ribbed skin

ORIGIN, late 18th cent.: from French cantaloup, from CantaluppinearRome, where it was first grown in Europe after being introduced from Armenia.

Well now, let’s examine the inference in that phrase, "If I were a cantaloupe" . . .

It’s a present conditional situation, allowing that whatever I’ve been before or might become later on, or a possible manifestation of what my being is or could be as a cantaloupe. I don’t like to brag, but there are a few things I could tell you about that. I’ll spare you both the ancient history and the grammar lesson.

But let’s not deviate from the present primary premise pirouetting profusely in my cantaloupe brain. I have to mention - well - maybe not that imperative - but I feel the strong need and desire to mention that what’s bothersome in this assigned title (though also willingly chosen) is that it seems to rule out several quite valid possibilities, such as that I may have already been and still may be (oh! here I go again - sorry ‘bout that!) - but picture me being a lovely succulent melon grown in the tropical region of the Texas “Rio Grande Valley” - -

where everyone must know the best and sweetest cantaloupes ARE grown.

Now try to visualize that now I may have, could have, what-fun-it-would-be if I actually had metamorphosed into a silver haired, silver tongued poetess, so that no one is any the wiser about my origins. Never thought of that, did you?

Good.

Otherwise, you’d have stolen my hub story and probably would have written it up better. I must grab the cantaloupe by the - er - ball - and run with it now, if I’m ever to get into cantaloupe elite-ville.

OR - and don’t rule this out: I might even now BE a cantaloupe in disguise as such a silver-haired, silver-tongued person having been through a process of undergoing an extreme DNA upgrade which - in the future - -  

yes, will render me not only said succulent melon, easily taken for a Rio Grande Valley cantaloupe, but such a super-cantaloupe as the world has never beheld or even imagined. Is your credulity stretched sufficiently now to ponder the possibilities, fine Hubber or fair Hubberess?

In any of these cases, however, my cantaloupeness is/would be (if it were/ had been/ will be to become), so much more sophisticated, complicated and amazing than just your typical, run of the mill, everyday cantaloupe, you see, - not to mention straining the average non-Cantaloupian Hubber's credulity and/or comprehensiveness beyond containment.  In fact, my own rind may burst with the thought of it momentarily! Read on. . . .

You need to understand that my seeds are/would be extraordinary. From one measly little slimy seed from the bowels of my round little body, entire barrels of clone-seeds would quickly form, emerge and germinate.

These would be fully capable of being self-sown across the land, being more than enough to cover the whole of South Texas, Mexico and the entire Isthmus down there, and more. No obstacle, natural or man-made would impede this progress.

There would soon be lovely vines bearing multitudes of these delicious, round, plump, healthy, moisturizing, beta-carotene-bearing fruits whose insides are so sweet to the palate and immensely habit-forming that the entire dangerous drug industry in all those countries would be put out of business while their former customers craved and sought more cantaloupes! Fortunately for all concerned, the supply would be limitless.

Cantaladdicts would become so sublimely healthy that doctors, pharmacists (and all their rigamarole, including those vile TV ads prompting unsuspecting folks to beg for their risky wares, serious side-effects, notwithstanding) would soon be closing their doors, shut down, out-of-business, kapoot. Hospitals would be open only for new births and old-age cases of the unfortunates who didn’t get a chance to be in on the Cantaloupe Bounty in time. Those who do have access will survive indefinitely. People will be wiser, healthier, stronger, live longer, be funny, sexy, never be be bored, take themselves less seriously and give each other benefit of the doubt.

A diplomatic contingent of these Cantalaheroes will seek out someone named Stan Fletcher in order to confer the highest honors and Nobel Peace Prize upon him. He will be elated to write the world’s most original and popular Ode to a Frog yet ever written. Even the Frog itself will become a prime mover in the Cantaloupe Culture.

The Cantaloupe Bounty Society will convene to elect national and international leaders who will abolish all the bad stuff, including child labor, childbirth labor, air pollution, diseases and other ugly stuff that has been either bad luck or bad neighbors generated. No blame, no shame, simply vast improvement - even into and including North Korea.  All will simply turn into Cantalophiles.

The permanent Cantaloupe Counsel  will meet as often as needed to review and revise the practical measures, although their major emphasis will be on directing the good stuff, since the bad stuff will quickly become obsolete to the degree that no one will any longer recognize anything about any of it,  - any, none.    

Yegads! I think I’m about to sprout!

Ah. That felt good!! It’s been a load on my chest these many years. Happy Birthdays to me!

Hey - er - please - be gentle with that knife, will you?

This hub is my silly entry in Stan Fletcher’s latest hub-writing contest, Another Fantabulous Contest, (or words to that effect - go check it out for yoursel!) Vote it up - maybe I’ll win! (wink, wink - sure - maybe the Cowboys will be last minute substitutes for the Packers in the Superbowl, too!)

Check out links below!

If you are entering a hub in the contest, please be sure to enter the key tag, "seattlestan" in the tag area with it, so its link will be added and will appear here and on others' list of entries. Check with Austinstar's comment @ Stan's hub for complete directions about this.