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If It Weren't For My Horse...

Updated on April 27, 2011

If It Weren't For My Horse...I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Starting out as a simple phrase uttered by some random woman, this phrase entered the ears of Lewis Black. It then nearly killed him by eating away at his brain. The only way in which he could save himself, was to offer up this sentence for the rest of us. It now eats away a tiny bit at all of our brains. This is the place to put forth your theory and help get this puzzler out of your head.

The phrase IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE has become a part of pop culture. This phrase is used for anything that is so dumb, it defies any rational reasoning.

The White Album - From which this all stems

Ihop (The International House Of Pancakes) [Explicit]
Ihop (The International House Of Pancakes) [Explicit]

Lewis Black presents the issue that is eating at our brains...If it weren't for my horse...

 

Hear it unfold - If It Weren't For My Horse...If It Weren't For My Horse...

Listen to the audio clip on this video which includes the horse debacle.

If this clip is not working, there is another version here.

My Horse Theories

Four Possible Meanings of the Statement

THEORY #1

The girl was a rider who won prizes in competitions giving her enough money for college for one year.

THEORY #2

The girl was a gambler. She bet a bunch of money on a horse and won enough to pay tuition for one year.

THEORY #3

The girl was an out of control teen, but this kind gentle horse was able to calm her down and get her back on track. So she went to college. My theory goes on...since she didn't have the horse in college, she became out of control again and dropped out after a year).

THEORY #4

She actually rode the horse to college. (Crappy theory...I know...but it keeps coming up)

If it weren't for my horse....

From The White Album by Lewis Black

Transcript of the story of a brain aneurysm causing sentence:

When from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life ... She said, 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.'

I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddy up, giddy up, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution.

Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason.

You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE @*#! ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone.

And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right.

But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.' So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she - she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE @*#! ?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.

Do you have any alternate theories for this horse scenario? or do you just want to say 'Hi'?

Alternate Theories - What did it mean?

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    • kerbev profile imageAUTHOR

      kab 

      5 years ago from Upstate, NY

      @anonymous: Now that's a theory!

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      5 years ago

      No. It is "If it weren't for my whores..." She was obviously a madam.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      6 years ago

      Someone who dearly loved this girl bought her the horse in turn she would agree to go to college. She quit school after a year and the horse was revoked from her possession now she regrets her decision to go to school.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      6 years ago

      hello

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      7 years ago

      My money is on theory #3.

      They should make a movie.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      7 years ago

      I suspect that she went to college to learn horse training.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      8 years ago

      My theory is that she sold a prized horse at a stock show and used that money to pay for one year of college but had no way to pay for more years of college. It of course doesnât mention that she didnât complete the other three years. The quote only mentions one year of college. Perhaps it was a college degree that took a year such as beauty or cooking collegeâ¦..who knowsâ¦â¦Maybe she did a two or four year degree and found a way to pay for those other three yearsâ¦perhaps because of a prized llama, bull or lamb

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      8 years ago

      Mr black I am voting for you for president of the united states. why? you are the only person that I have heard in a long time that tells the truth and know what hes talking about and doesn't have his head up his own ass.

    • Butler-Olson profile image

      Butler-Olson 

      8 years ago

      For years I wondered if she was referring to heroin... as in - if I didn't have that heroin to take the edge off I wouldn't have made it through college.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      8 years ago

      Maybe her parents only let her continue to ride her horse if she went to college. But after one year, she decided college was just too much of a pain.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      8 years ago

      I'm allergic to horses...

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      9 years ago

      [in reply to Adam] Adam, if she's around the right age -- was in her mid-twenties in the late '90s -- you should ask your sister to email Lewis Black to explain.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      9 years ago

      I got about halfway down the list of comments and my nose started to bleed a little... I doubt you'll listen but if you happen to read this and it's not too late, STOP READING!

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      9 years ago

      I think that story is about my older sister... she was like 15 when our parents got her a horse (we moved to country a little before that) and she had this riding instructor that she thought was really hot, and he was a college student, and they kinda had this thing goin... so she went to his college and tried dating him, but it didn't work out and she hated college, so she dropped out after a year. She used to joke about never having gone to college if my parents hadn't gotten her that horse, so I dunno... mebbe that's where Louis Black heard it from, she wouldve been about the right age. Anyway I didn't know it had become this big thing, and then someone said it to me the other day, and I found this on here. Go figure.

    • TreasuresBrenda profile image

      Treasures By Brenda 

      9 years ago from Canada

      If it weren't for my horse...interesting!

    • BusyQueen profile image

      BusyQueen 

      9 years ago

      It's well done. 5 *****'s love the laughs!

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      10 years ago

      Lewis Black is one of my favorite stand-up comedians! He was so cool that I even had some of his pics on my personal checks! I got the idea from a friend who had his own set of Christian checks with holy images that he had chosen! anyway, thanks for featuring Mr. Black! He' really a total stand-up comedian 100%!

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      10 years ago

      She probably did porn, specifically beastiality, which helped her pay for college.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      10 years ago

      Maybe she was on the school's equestrian team on scholarship? I knew a few girls in college that were there on scholarship for equestrianism, and actually won nationals...

    • profile image

      Taslo 

      10 years ago

      I like your alternative theories. Really great style.

      My Lens

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      11 years ago

      Maybe the horse was a donkey...and she worked down in Laredo for a summer

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      11 years ago

      MAYBE,the girl was rich and they had horses and ranches and what not.and she fell in love with that horse.the family soon got down on their luck and are forced to sell the horse to pay off debts.so the girl works her way through college to a great career and earns enough money to buy back the horse

    • Sharlee01 profile image

      Sharlee 

      11 years ago

      I love your stuff! Shar

    • kerbev profile imageAUTHOR

      kab 

      11 years ago from Upstate, NY

      well Jason and Coma succussfully came up with a disturbing theory that did not come to my mind (i am proud to say).

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      11 years ago

      IF IT WEREN"T FOR MY HORSE...

      I'd still be a virgin.

    • profile image

      anonymous 

      11 years ago

      She had sex with the horse on camera, obviously.

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