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In The Dark? Get Enlightened

Updated on July 4, 2012
A psychic looks for your hand, or not.
A psychic looks for your hand, or not. | Source

Psychics stand by for your call

If you've lost your car keys or most of your mind, ring up the good folks at of California. They stand at the ready to guide you through real life and accept your credit cards. Don't worry about the 3-digit code on the back of your card - they already know that.

Plan to finance your problems at the rate of $1 per minute. A wide variety of calling packages are available, but they will let you know which plan best suits your needs. Trusting them with your love life starts with depending on them to define your purchasing decision. It's all good.

As all our psychics tend to say: "In the Dark? Get Enlightened." It's written on their cubicle wall and they never forget it. Pick out a mentalist from our stable of stars. They're here to help, mostly themselves, but they will keep you occupied until The Bachelorette comes on.



Patton is an empathic clairvoyant and also extremely skilled in small appliance repair. He can help you with lost loves and lost car keys. He connects extremely well with people who control trust funds. He is happiest when helping you transfer your abundance to his bank account. When he's not at a highway off-ramp selling flowers, he's always ready to guide you and help you get enlightened in an empathetic clairvoyant manner.


Magic Mike

Mike can eventually connect with your multidimensional energy through the sub-tones of your voice, receive visual cues by staring blankly at the telephone receiver, and may occasionally consult his extended family of carnies for further clarification. He is probably looking at you right now, so pull the shades if you're not decent.



Griselda, in a former professional life, worked at Enron, MCI, and General Motors. She has used up all her bad luck, so she is standing by to dump some of her good luck on top of you. Call her as soon as possible because she is considering an offer from the government of Greece. She already knows if she is going to take it, but she steadfastly refuses to tell herself because she loves surprises.



Zeke boasts an impressive 30 years of experience as a professional psychic, as far as you know. He acquired his psychic prowess through repeated attempts to plug his electric razor into the clothes dryer outlet. Later, he pursued an academic career in physics, metaphysics, and semiphysics, but never quite caught up to any of them. He believes in providing detailed telephone readings often outside the scope of his caller's questions, often leading to embarrassing situations that may make you wish you'd never called. He begins by asking for a name, particularly the name on your debit card. He prefers a casual and disarming approach because if you have no arms you can't hang up the phone. Call Zeke immediately, as the FBI seems to be closing in on him.


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    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

      Nice work as usual nicomp. How can you go wrong at that price :)

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 5 years ago from Texas

      Interesting hub! Guess each one of them will let us know if the world ended this year, at least before Christmas.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Austinstar: It's a buck a minute. You can't go wrong.

      @drbj: I knew you would say that!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      The first clue, Nicomp, to the tenor of this witty piece was IdahoPsychics of California. Bravo and thanks for the laughs.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Whoa! Today I got a spam mail that said it was from the FBI and if I didn't open the email, I would be charged and arrested for something. Since I didn't open the email, I guess I'll never know what I would be charged with. Perhaps I should call one of these psychics?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Dee42: I knew that.

    • Dee42 profile image

      Dee42 5 years ago from Beautiful Arkansas

      You made me smile this fourth of July, and I have to work. Great hub, you have inspired me. Ha.