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It started with some bushes

Updated on February 12, 2009

Bombs Away!

We moved into a new home a little more than a month ago, and when we did there were two things that immediately caught my eye. Above the bay window in the living room, there was a neatly nestled bird's nest with a family of small birds living there. This was OK. My kids love birds, and being up high in the air would allow the kids to see the birds but not reach the birds. The second thing I noticed was that the bushes in front of the house were in pretty sorry shape. In speaking with our new landlord, he concurred with that assessment, and he agreed they should be removed.

A few weeks passed, and our landlord came with his pickup truck and a chainsaw, and began removing the eyesore bushes, leaving just short stumps sitcking up out of the ground. That was OK by me because I could take a hacksaw to said stumps and finish the job. After all, the landlord was doing most of the work. It was the least I could do.

The problem was that I didn't have a hacksaw, nor did I have the funds to run out and buy one, having just shelled out first, last and security (plus a pet deposit...not for the birds, mind you.) So I added the stumps to my list of things to do that would, hopefully, be done by the end of the summer.

Fast forward another couple of weeks, and my wife declared intense displeasure because one of the birds had apparently let loose a dirty bomb and it streaked right down the beautiful bay window in our living room. What's more, we live in a raised ranch and there's no ladder on the premises. The window that was defaced is the kind that you crank open, and the location of the aforementioned dirty bomb was just far enough out of my reach that we couldn't clean it from inside the house.

Now, I stand 6'4", and my weight is classified. No ladder, no means to scale the wall outside, and no 8' tall brother who could reach the location of the dirty bomb, I was out of luck. But would my wife accept that excuse? Highly unlikely. So I put on my thinking hat, and a wonderful inspiration struck me. Why not pull my wife's car right up alongside the house, stand on the trunk, and clean the aforementioned dirty bomb? Made sense to me! So I went to inform my wife of my plan, to which she responded, "OK, but the first moment you feel the metal start to buckle, you get the hell off!"

I mentioned that my weight is classified, right?

OK, so I pull the car around and line it up right alongside the house, with the nose of the car approaching the sidewalk to our front door, directly over the small stump of one of the bushes my landlord cut away (remember the bushes? And the stumps? And the hacksaw I haven't got?)

Well, it turns out that even standing up on the trunk, I wasn't able to reach the location of the aforementioned dirty bomb. Feeling somewhat perplexed about the next thing to try, but feeling slightly vindicated at not having dented the trunk by standing on it (guess moving must have shed a few pounds), I clambered down, got into the car and started her up. I put the car into reverse, and that's when I heard a terrible sound.

The front bumper of our 1998 Lincoln Continental is made of fiberglass, and isn't held on by more than a couple of bolts, I would guess. See, I've spent most of my adult life driving vehicles a little higher off the ground than this. So it took me completely off guard when the aforementioned fiberglass bumper got caught on the aforementioned stump, and the end result of putting the aforementioned 1998 Lincoln Continental into reverse was that the front bumper lay nicely on the ground, directly underneath the bird's nest, from where one of the aforementioned birds dropped the aforementioned dirty bomb.


I ran out in front of the car, saying lightning fast Hail Marys and Our Fathers in hopes that my wife would not look out the window of our bedroom and see me frantically trying to replace the aforementioned fiberglass bumper without the benefit of a screw, bolt or other fastening device.

I was relatively pleased that it slid right into place, but I just knew that this could not be a permanent fix. The problem is, I'm not getting paid until next week, and maybe by then I can do a more permanent job. In the mean time, I'm staying away from parking at curbs, and hoping and praying that the bumper doesn't come flying off, particularly when my wife is driving!


My wife took the car to an inspection station today to see what it would need to pass the Maine safety inspection. After the mechanic gave her the run down, totaling approximately 1500, she has voted to trade in the car for something newer. The least of the worries is the bumper, as it turns out. I think I'm in the clear, but I'm dreading going car shopping!

And the birds are still quite comfortably nesting in their nest, though there have not been any more sneak attacks!


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    • crashcromwell profile image

      crashcromwell 8 years ago from Florida

      I'm just wrapping up a hub on the Hub Mob topic of the week, regarding education. You may find it interesting, as it provides an insider's view of the training and hiring process for the University of Phoenix online. Check it out, if you are so inclined, and thanks for the comment ladders!

    • profile image

      ladders 8 years ago

      intersting story. :)..thanks for sharing this.lookong forward for your next article.good luck..

    • crashcromwell profile image

      crashcromwell 9 years ago from Florida

      Well, if the only issue were being able to reach the windows, what you are suggesting would make sense. But there have been other issues that would make having some sort of ladder very handy. Problem is, those aluminum ladders are pricey, so I may have to improvise some.

      Thanks for your comments on my hubs, and thanks for checking me out. Once again, welcome to the hub pages!

    • profile image

      Thomas Smith 9 years ago

      Crash, nice story. Thanks for sharing. If you don't want to spring for the ladder right away, an extension arm used for painting would probably do the job for now. You can find them with the painting stuff at the hardware store. They're for paint rollers, but I'm sure a resourceful guy like you could attach a scrub brush, then a squeegie to it. You'll need a ladder eventually, though.

      I've read a few of your articles and I'm looking forward to reading more. I'm working on a novel myself, so I'm looking forward to reading your stuff about writing, as well as your novels.

    • crashcromwell profile image

      crashcromwell 9 years ago from Florida

      Yeah, I saw a set of wooden stairs for sale that could be adapted into a ladder. That may be a purchase with my next pay check.

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 9 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      You're only hope is that the bumper comes off while your wife is using the car. "OMG, honey! What did you do?!"

      And Crash, if you're going to leave the bird's nest where it is, you're going to need to invest in a ladder.

    • crashcromwell profile image

      crashcromwell 9 years ago from Florida

      The really funny thing is that I wrote this today when my wife was out. When she goes out, a half-hour trip turns into an hour, an hour trip into 2 hours, and so on. I thought I had plenty of time to get this online. Instead, she came back much earlier than I anticipated, and I had only just finished publishing it when she walked in!

      Of course, it should go without saying that she doesn't often read my hubs, which is why I feel safe publishing this. If I'm wrong, dear, I'm sorry!

    • dboman profile image

      dboman 9 years ago from Gainesville

      Haha. Very funny. This is the type of thing that ALWAYS happens to me, so I can relate to your situation. Thanks for the entertaining story. It sounds like you stripped the screws out of the supports or the bumper around the washers. Good luck!

    • crashcromwell profile image

      crashcromwell 9 years ago from Florida

      That may very well be true. The good news is that my wife is talking about wanting to trade in the old Lincoln, so this may give me the added incentive to go car shopping!

    • John Chancellor profile image

      John Chancellor 9 years ago from Tennessee

      If you are going to maintain a nest of birds above the picture window, you would be well advised to potty train them. I can see plenty of additional target practice and I am not sure you have solved the problem of removing the evidence from the picture window.

      Good luck with the bumper ... unfortunately, I think it might be a little more of a problem than you are thinking.