John's Horror Banana-nanza Episode Two: The "Halloween" Series

In this edition, we review one of the weakest horror series of our time, the Halloween saga. There's all kinds of plots going all over the place, and there's even a movie where the main character, Michael Myers, is not involved at all! Now I haven't seen Rob Zombie's sequel yet (because I hated the first one he made) so here's the order in which I think they rank without that movie involved.

9. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
8. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
7. Halloween: Resurrection
6. Halloween : The Curse of Michael Myers
5. Halloween : Season of the Witch
4. Halloween: (Rob Zombie)
3. Halloween: H2O
2. Halloween 2
1. Halloween (1979)

So in case you thought the plot was "serial killer stalks babysitters" or "Michael Myers tries to kill his sister," you're about to find out just how completely wrong you are. Prepare to be baffled.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

So Jamie, from Part 4, is still alive after flipping out and stabbing people at the end of the last movie. But now she has trouble talking and can see what Michael Myers sees. Hey, didn't he get shot 4000 times and fall down an abandon well last movie? Yep. But he floats down a creek and some old dude takes care of him until he's well enough to stab the guy. Thanks, buddy! There's poorly attempted humor in this movie by two dopey police officers, which fails, and there's also a new character at the end, some guy in a black suit. He lets Michael Myers loose from jail, because for whatever reason, that's where Dr. Loomis decides he should go. Wow. Just....wow.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

So after people flipped out over what in reality was a decent movie in Halloween 3, the studio brought back Michael Myers, who awakens from a 10 year coma when he hears he has a niece. Yeah, he doesn't just want to kill his sister anymore, now his whole family has to die. So Dr. Loomis starts tracking him down with the help of some other crazy old coot in a beat-up pickup truck. Jamie, who is Michael's niece, keeps seeing visions of him but can't figure out who he is. See, I thought Myers' motive was killing certain people, but quite literally, he kills everyone he possibly can. So what makes his relatives so important that people risk their lives for them? I'm so confused I can't even begin to show my frustration towards the "plot" in these movies. Anyway, this movie has a scene involving rednecks piled in the back of a truck with shotguns. Great. That will definitely have a successful outcome. So Myers gets shot and falls into a well, then Jamie goes nuts and kills her mother, which I guess is supposed to signal her taking Myers' place. Yeah. That never happens. It just makes things worse for the next two movies.

Halloween: Resurrection

This movie should end ten minutes in. Michael finally kills his sister Laurie, after revealing that he is, indeed, a super genius and didn't get his head lobbed off in the last flick. What? WHAT? OK...whatever. However, he then ventures home to find a bunch of kids led by Busta Rhymes doing an internet thing in his house. So he kills them, but Busta caps his ass with some electric currents. Then he wakes up in the hospital. That's it folks. That's literally all there is to it. So...don't waste your time.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

I think the "Curse" is actually the ability to never stop with sequels. In this awesome movie, Paul Rudd plays the little boy who was in Part 1, now all grown up, who apparently knows the conspiracy involving a group called "Thorn" and something about Michael wiping out all humanity or something weird. The man in black from the last episode's conclusion controls Myers, which really has me shaking my head. I guess the main villain, not Myers, has been working on making "Pure Evil" in a lab at Smith's Grove. Eh? Wow...what a maniac, huh? Anyway, several scenes involve Paul Rudd not being able to contain the laughter from the ridiculousness happening all around him. The movie ends with Dr. Loomis going in to take care of unfinished business, meaning he's tearing up his contract and wiping his ass with it.

Halloween : Season of the Witch

In a little town called Santa Mira, some crazy old men are making masks for Halloween that will cause your brain to melt. Hopefully, you'll be wearing them while watching any of the movies that come after this one, to save yourself the anger and disappointment. This entry has a lot of cool things about it but works itself into a hopeless corner at the end, although the end is pretty chilling. The make-up is neat, the death scenes are creative, and if it didn't bare the name "Halloween" it may be one of the more original horror movies ever devised. It's still the most creative in this "series."

Halloween (Rob Zombie)

This movie is one of the most demented, twisted movies I've ever seen. Every time you think what you're watching is over, it drags out just a little bit more. Micheal Myers is a young boy who's step-dad, or dad, or...something...is an asshole, who's mom is a stripper, and who's sister is apparently a stupid whore or something. Well, he kills some animals and has to go to the principal for taking pictures of them, then he kills some bully with a tree trunk. Later, he kills his dad/thing and his sister, and his mom has him committed. He meets Dr. Loomis and the sessions, which start out OK, slowly degrade to useless, and he stabs an attendant with a fork. So his mom commits suicide, and he gets out a few years later trying to kill his other sister, who was only a baby when her whole family went bananas, so she's now adopted. One night she's babysitting, and all her friends get murdered, then Myers kidnaps her, and tries to explain that the baby in the picture he has is Laurie...without talking. So Laurie hits him with something, I don't remember what exactly, and runs away. Michael doesn't like this, but it doesn't matter. Laurie shoots him point blank in the face. However, despite being shot point blank in the face, there is a second movie. Or, if you look at it like I do, a tenth movie. Woopie.

Halloween: H2O

This movie isn't half bad. Laurie Strode fakes her death in a car crash and changes her name to Keri Tate, but Michael stole all her files from some place and finds her in Cali. Her son, Josh Hartnett is going to school at the place Laurie runs. Then Myers shows up and starts hacking away again, apparently forgetting Parts 4-6. Good for him. There's lots of cool kills, like the mini-elevator thing. Anyway, Laurie locks herself in the school and fights Myers, then when he's being loaded into the ambulance, she steals it, wrecks it, and cuts off his head. What a fitting ending to this series...except that it's not the end. $$$$$$$ !!!!!! $$$$$$ !!!!!

Halloween 2

So this movie focuses on the very end of the first film, with Laurie being taken to the hospital and Michael still running around killing random people trying to find her. Why? Why does he want to find her so bad? Oh, because he's her brother! See, I don't know if this was Carpenter's original idea. I think it was just a suspense movie with unlucky babysitters involved, then it evolved into this. And this is OK. What happens after this, with other family members, a cult, and Busta Rhymes is unacceptable. If the series ended right here, no one would complain. Anyway, Laurie is in the hospital, and Michael is busting up the skeleton crew trying to find her. Loomis shows up, and blows both him and Michael up. Laurie goes away for 5 movies, and everyone's satisfied. This movie has all kinds of suspense, although the kills are...eh. After you watch this, skip straight to H2O then stop. That's how to watch this. Watch 1, 2, and 7. And 6, if you like Paul Rudd.

Halloween (1979)

This is a classic MOVIE. Not just a classic slasher. This movie has next to no blood. It's all about suspense. There are scenes when Myers is right in front of the characters in broad daylight and they aren't alarmed by it. There's scenes where the characters are inches away from death and are completely unaware. Jamie Lee Curtis' character of Laurie Strode is a strong but scared heroine, fighting for her own life while trying to comprehend just what is happening. She's vulnerable, but won't go down without a fight. Dr. Loomis is at his very best in the entire series in this movie. The atmosphere, the music, just everything about this movie is brilliantly done by John Carpenter. Who knew so much garbage would come from something so simple and classic?