Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) Headbutts A Fashion Designer | Zombies To Blame

If there are any people in the world who deserve a good old fashioned headbutting, it is fashion designers. Always running around with pins in their mouths and white powder around their noses, trilling 'darrling, how amazingly too fat you are to fit into my creations' (size 2 is 2 sizes too big for the fashion industry, sweethearts.)

From the beginning, we're behind Keifer on this one. It just makes sense. Then when one hears that he supposedly head butted aforementioned fashion designer because the cad pushed Brooke Shields over, one essentially has to restrain oneself from a one woman standing ovation.

What manner of crazed fashion designer was this? His name, Jack McCollough, is reminiscent of a Scottish Highland warlord for sure, but as a primped and pampered Hollywood lap dog, surely he would not be so demented as to lay his hands on one of the great ladies of Hollywood, Brooke Sheilds?

Witnesses say otherwise. Jack supposedly pushed Brooke, which caused Kiefer to demand an apology from the man, who then responded by pushing Kiefer. Just like that time in 3^rd grade when Mandy wanted to kiss Timmy, but Timmy already liked Casey. You know the time. The madness! First Jack McFashionDesignerCollough attacks Brooke Sheilds, then Jack Bauer himself! The only possible response was a swift headbutt to deal with the scoundrel, and I for one, sincerely hope that this little fracas does not interfere with Keifer Sutherland's parole status.

But why did Jack do it? What was the cause behind this senseless violence? Sure, it could have been a rough come down, but as I pondered this case, my fashion sense detected a rippling in the fashion force. Something was amiss. But what?

The matter was a mystery to me until I began to Google this Mr McCollough. A design darling, he is so in right now, which is nice, but it doesn't give a clue to his brazen assault of not one, but two long time Hollywood A Listers.

Then I found Google images, and a different picture emerged. Mary Kate Olsen appears in not one, but two of these pictures of Jack McCollough. Clearly her zombie mind control techniques have been at work on this poor man and this was but a trial run in preparation for his final mission, which will of course be to assassinate the Indonesian president.

Mary-Kate Olsen, we are onto you. Leave the poor fashion designers alone. Was Full House not enough of a blight upon the world? Oh the humanity!