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Jillian The Bachelorette ep 5

Updated on June 16, 2009

The Great Girlfriend Mystery of 2009 Continues!


Honestly, it's week two of these motards trying to figure out who might have a lady friend back home and I'm already sick of it. Can Wes please ‘fess up and go home so we all can get on with our lives? The most annoying part is that everyone keeps using the word "people" instead of "person" when referring to the mystery two-timer. Stop pluralizing!

Anyway, this season is all about Jillian racking up frequent flier miles! LA to Vancouver to Whistler-what did they tell the guys to pack? Everyone had pretty light jackets on for the amount of snow on the ground, which made me nervous. However, I'm happy that Jillian got to live out "every Canadian girl's dream of snowmobiling in Whistler with 8 dudes." They really aim for the stars up there, I guess.

Michael perplexes me. I don't want to like him because he's a huge goof nugget, but sometimes he makes me laugh with the random thoughts that spew from his mouth. For instance, the way he described his feelings for Miss Harris. He's got a huge crush on her and would like it if they could eat spaghetti in a room together. Huh?

What is up with reality TV shows thinking that zip-lining is the key to romance? I don't get it. I can see why she thought Michael was the perfect person to go with, since he's a lunatic. According to him, zip-lining is like love because you commit to it and then you jump. So is suicide, if you think about it. He's also super touchy-feely like a teenage boy. I guess that's what makes her feel like a kid again, but how long before he turns from adorable to intolerably annoying? He's not an unattractive fella or anything; he's simply not serious about anything. Will he tell their grandkids that he and grandma "had their first spark of awesomeness" while tandem zip-lining? I have to say that I'm glad he specified that he hasn't gone on a date with a girl or a guy since his break-up 8 months ago, no doubt that question had crossed my mind.

Michael and Robby seemed to have gotten some special attention in this episode since they got the shaft last week because of Girlfriend-Gate. I didn't realize how many of the guys despise Robby until they talked smack about him for being 25 and an unemployed bartender. At least that means that he can pack up and move to Canada!

Tanner is such a loser. I can't believe he's lasted this long. As long as he's around, we'll have to endure endless speculation about the g-word. Maybe that's his ticket to avoiding elimination-once she gets the info she wants, she'll send him packin'. I like how they cut from Tanner's one-on-one to Wes. It's pretty obvious it didn't happen in that order. Wes is such a shade-ster, and he only tells her what she wants to hear. Sadly, Jillian said she "loves Wes" because he's kind of a badass. Yipes. Just when I think she's wizening up even a little, she starts in with her crazy talk again!

Let's take a second to discuss one of the requirements for every date Jillian goes on: alcohol. I don't judge. This time it led to dancing on the bar, even though she claimed earlier that she had never done that. Be careful, girl, bar dancing has been known to lead to other kinds of dancing-of the exotic persuasion. You can tell when she's drunk because she says things like, "All that whole stuff that went on." Her conversation with Kiptyn was borderline embarrassing. "I like you, do you like me?" is a sure-sign of going to the red side of the tipsy meter. She claimed she couldn't focus because she just wanted to kiss him, but we all know the truth.

I want to know how the guys know what to wear on these dates. The notes are so cryptic. Let's break the ice? You're on a mountain, for crying out loud! That could mean anything. I'll hand it to Michael, his guess of "Maybe she'll break up with you" made me laugh (and that makes me sad).

Jillian's one-on-one time with Reid was kind of awkward because she was acting like a child with ADD in a room full of shiny objects. She asked him to picture their future together, and then jumped from topic-to-topic with no transitions. She's a smart girl; I bet she requested cue cards to read her getting-to-know-you questions from after she downed her nightly keg of beer.

Didn't anyone tell them that drinking and sledding can lead to severe impalement?

How many layers of clothing should you be wearing when your date involves a glacier? The view was romantic from the ski plane-if you haven't seen the movie, Alive, that is. You apparently don't have to wear seatbelts in those tiny planes...that's not something I'm interested in. All of these ice/snow dates are firsts in Bachelorette history. I'm shocked Chris Harrison hasn't mentioned that once (or did my ears blink again?).

Jesse is going to remember her for the rest of his life, which is sooooo romantic. Except, he's most likely to remember her as the only girl he ever dated on national TV (I hope!). She thinks this would be the best first date ever, like to share with their kids. How would she start that story, exactly? With Mommy dating 30 guys at one time in front of the entire country, and then luring Daddy in with her baby timeline of four years? Where does the nickname, "Hot tub Harris" come into the story? Speaking of scorching temperatures in the arctic, how do these people not all get violently ill from jumping from glaciers to jacuzzis? That ain't right.

Honestly, I think Jesse likes her more since she said she'd leave Canada. Either way, we all know he's "impressed" by her. Someone hand him a thesaurus, please. I don't get why he loves her voice, but to each his own. At least he's not obsessed with her pinky toe or anything. Ahem.

Oh Ed, where do I start? I can't say I blame him for choosing his job over some girl he met just weeks before. It's like Perfect Jake pointed out, these are not the days to walk away from a paycheck because you may not see another one for years. A little piece of me thinks that maybe she'll pick someone else and then end up with Ed after the show. Weirder stuff has happened, right Prince Lorenzo?

It was really interesting to watch Jillian handle rejection. There were a few clues into why she's single. Let's start with the ladling out of guilt at every opportunity. She pulled out the big guns by saying she thought he could be The One. That's not fair. If he is THE ONE, then she'd say no to whomever proposes at the end and then run after him like a lunatic reverse-Runaway Bride. She claimed there was no pressure attached to the date rose, but that's absurd. Then, after he left, she seemed more concerned that other guys would follow suit. Insecurity City, Population: Jillian. It could have just been an excuse for him to get out of there, but he'd already explained what a workaholic he is so I doubt it. She wants what she can't have. It was ridiculous that she claimed she was more upset about Ed than Jason. However, I do enjoy watching Chris Harrison dig into other people's broken hearts with his salt-sword, so that was a treat.

Ed is not faultless in all of this either, of course. He got all dressed up for the big rejection and looked all hot-like, and that's just cruel. There's no doubt he's a computer guy, and not the most whimsical and romantic thinker. He analyzed the quantity of people he was going to let down if he stayed, instead of what he would be staying for. Plus, he probably figured that she has 9 other guys to fall back on and the people at work don't. Very logical, but he'll probably be single forever (ha! Probably not, but a little judgment never hurt anyone, right?). Besides, if Jillian would have stepped back and pictured their future together (a la what she did with Reid), Ed would either be a homeless bum or at work 24/7. Nice life. I thought it was hilarious that Ed kept the rose. I bet that thing was on eBay the next day.

Write this day down in the history books: Jillian refused a cocktail party! Actually, the budget probably didn't allow it due to all the excessive travel. What was up with all the terrible outfits at the rose ceremony? Reid was the only one who looked foxy. Michael was rocking a rather dazzling pink sweater, if you're into that sort of thing on your dancer manfriends. Wes had some sort of jean/tweed suit that boggled my mind. If that's not a reason to get the boot, then what is? Being a publicity whore or having a girlfriend back home, perhaps? Unfortunately, she instead sent Mark home who desperately needed to tuck his shirt in. I'm going to hope that everyone was drunk when they got dressed and that it never happens again.

Did I gather correctly from that extended preview that Reid, Jesse, Wes, are in the top 3? Did that <impotent> voice belong to Perfect Jake?






Need to go home:


Wes (but I know he won't)

Tanner the foot lover

Drink up, it's gonna be a long night!




Ed (+/-)








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