Just for Kicks #2: More Jokes, Riddles and Other Silly Stuff
Feel Free to Laugh Out Loud
Welcome to my second hub in the series of "Just For Kicks." If you enjoyed the first one and got a laugh or too, I hope this does the same. I realise that not everyone shares my sense of humour so I don't expect everyone to find these hilarious, but if one or two of these jokes at least cause you to smile then I feel the hub has been successful. If you do in fact find these hilariously funny, then you have my permission to laugh out loud. I hope you enjoy.
Q. What do you call a fish without an eye?
A. a fsh
A blind man is telling his friend how much he enjoys skydiving.
"My hand is placed on the parachute release ring. And then they place me in the doorway of the plane and tell me when to jump. Then out I go. I count to ten slowly, then pull the ring."
"But how do you know when to lift your legs before you land on the ground?" his friend asks.
"Oh," replies the blind man, "as soon as the dog's leash goes slack."
Q. What part of the turkey has the most feathers?
A. The outside
Did You Hear the One About the Poodle, the Leopard, and the Monkey?
A wealthy young lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her pet poodle alone for company. Early one morning while she is sleeping, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, finds himself far away from the camp.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh oh!"
Noticing some bones on the ground the poodle immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching big cat. Just as the leaopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Gee, that was one delicious leaopard. I wonder if there are any more close by?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack mid-strike, a look of terror spreading over his face, and he slinks away into the jungle. "Whew!" The leopard says to himself, "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard at great sped and figures something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up to the leopard, spills the beans about what he witnessed, and strikes up a deal. The leopard is furious about being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me rip that poodle to bits."
The poodle sees the leopard returning with the monkey riding on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them and waits until they approach close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" The poodle says loudly, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Q. Why do Indian men eat more rice then Irish men?
A. There are more Indian men than Irish men.
Diamonds in Heaven
Bob was visiting his best friend Harry, who had a terminal illness and didn't have long to go.
"If they play baseball in Heaven will you come back in spirit and tell me?" Bob asked.
Larry feebly nodded yes, and then passed away.
That night while Bob was sleeping, he heard Harry's voice in a dream, "Bob..."
"Harry? What is it?" Bob asked in his sleep.
"Well, I have both good and bad news from Heaven."
"What"s the good news?"
"There is baseball in Heaven after all," Harry reported. "But the bad news is that you are next up to bat on Tuesday."
Q. If it took twelve men eighteen hours to build a wall, how long would it take six men to build the same wall?
A. No time at all. It has already been built.
A Visit to the Zoo
A young man was leading his pet crocodile down the road when he passed a policeman, who said, "Now, now lad, I think you had better take that crocodile to the zoo." The young guy nodded and walked on.
The next day the young man was once again walking down the road with the alligator on a lead, when he passed the same policeman.
"Hey there my good fellow. I thought I told you yesterday to take that crocodile to the zoo?" The policeman queried.
The young man answered, "I did Officer. But today I'm taking him to the cinema."
The Trucker vs The Bikers
A truck driver pulled up at a truck stop for lunchand ordered a hamburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three tough looking bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's hamburger and took a huge bite from it. The second drank the trucker' coffee, and the third gobbled down his apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word as he stood up, paid the waitress, and left.
As the waitress approached the bikers to take their order, one of the bikers growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Q. Ten men were in a boat on the river Nile. The boat turns over, and all men have to swim to shore, yet not a single man got wet ! Why?
A. Because there were no single men. They were all married.
Eve of Creation
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem Eve?" God asks in a booming voice.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided this beautiful garden, all these wonderful animals, and that silly old snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am sick of eating apples, and I'm lonely."
"Well Eve, in that case I'll create a companion for you. I will call him a man."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, a huge ego and the inability to empathise or listen to you properly."
"Will he have any good points?" Eve asked.
"Well, he'll be bigger, faster and stronger than you. He'll be good at fighting, hunting fleet-footed animals, and he'll be company and not bad in the sack." God says.
"Sounds great," Eve says with a hint of sarcasm.
"Yeah well, he'll be better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. You can have him on one condition."
"What's that Lord?"
"You have to let him believe that I created him first."
Knock on Wood
Three elderly men were discussing the problems of ageing and memory. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself standing in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second fellow chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing between the flights of stairs and I can't remember whether I was on my way up, or down."
The third old man responded, "Well guys, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," he said as he wrapped his knuckles on the table. Then a couple of seconds later, "Oh, that must be the door, I'll get it."
© 2015 John Hansen