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I'm surprised we don't take them out back and shoot them - A satiric view of old age.

Updated on October 20, 2014

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Middleaged Angst

Following is a satire on age. Don't take it personally.

Having been recently slammed over my advanced age of 53, I turn softly, and softly I reply - Get the hell out of my face, kid! The venom in the tone of the Berkeley kid was unmistakable. Apparently he didn't like something I wrote; but he didn't attack my words, he attacked me and my age. And my picture! I was brought up to not be so rude. I suppose there was a time when I was judgmental about everything and anything, but my God I couldn't have been as bad as holier than thou Berkeley, where the ivory towers protect the sensitive delicates from the dirty ugly real world, and where righteousness sparkles in the sun.

Truly I've always been amazed that the elderly aren't taken out and shot, especially in the United States, where youth is worshiped and there is no time for anything that's not moving at top speed. Let's look at the cost effectiveness aspect. We can have all their food, possessions, and money once they are effectively out of the way. I can hear the wheels clicking all over the world as the pennies are counted and I'm forced to realize for the first time that it might be a good thing that the ruling party isn't overly young.

Times are hard, so getting rid of all this deadweight just leaves more for everyone else. That is a benefit. Also that's the way the world is today. I was taught by my parents to share; but today the grabbiest get all the gravy. Honesty is still taught to the tiny tots, but let's be truthful, honesty is laughable in our modern culture. To get ahead you have to be merciless. You walk on people, claw and scratch, and kick your own mother if that's what it takes.

Also the knowledge thing is another consideration. Only the young computer kids have true knowledge and they know it. I have to wonder, though, about the tabula rasa aspect. To put anything on a blank slate calls for a deeper understanding. It is true that the young can find out anything they need to know by means of research, of course they can.. Too bad they don't have the sense to use it in conjunction with experience and thoughtfulness, maybe even respect.

I was taught to be respectful to other people, not only my elders, but everyone. My greatest comfort is in knowing that the little bastard who slammed me will be old and decrepit some day. I don't even have to wish it on him. I hope he thinks of me every once in a while when he's crotcheting around and bumping into every little thing. And I hope he thinks of me when he realizes that he is the oldest person in the room and that they're probably going to turn on him.

Lord! We can't eat them, too tough and stringy.

Kill him where he stands.

We'll standardize the process, no doubt. We'll assembly line it. When's your birthday? Get in line.

I jest. This message is just to say I am joking and I love oldsters. I am an oldster, I'm in stage 1, maybe stage 2. Later I will be going into these stages in more detail.

Ok then.

Haul ass, buddy.

We gotta whole lotta bodies to get rid of before dark.

I can see it all now, piles and piles of olderlies and they're still the hell in the way!

One More Thing. . . .

We’re a couple of generations in now on alternative lifestyle, so our culture has already adopted and adapted those specs into their own lives, whether it passes Berkeley standards or not. Berkeley be advised - I’m not fitting into your square pegs any more than I fit into mainstream society’s square pegs. I am Everyman and yoga is mine as well as it is the Berkeleyites. (Apologies to Hindus) Also pretty sure yoga prefers hanging with me as I am much more fun, liberal, relaxed, accepting, just plain damn nicer.

Although I have always liked kids, my irritation was thoroughly roused this time. Obviously it’s not the first time they’ve irritated hell out of me. But I wouldn’t want to be young again. That’s not why I’m so pissy. It’s the damned rudeness. Have to try and remember how idealistic I once was and I thank God I’ve learned flexibility. Now I’m happy and plan to continue living my life as a free spirit and eventually growing into a character, and finally when I damned well feel like it becoming a feisty old lady. And I will be carrying a cane and I will be poking at people with it.

FYI! It’s Restorative Yoga that got me started, jackass, and I assume that is generally the case. Back pain, anxiety, depression, many are the reasons to seek, to grow. A life changing technique, an exercise, and no damnable religion on the side, thank you. I have my own spirituality, carefully evolved after decades of work and thought. And I am happy for the blessing that is yoga. I’ll continue highly recommending yoga, as an exercise, and as I see fit.

Cats who rule my world - Trouble

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© 2009 Linda Hahn

Park yourself right here - Pitch a bitch

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    • Sir Daniel UK profile image

      Danny Gibson 3 years ago from Northampton

      Ha ha. This is just too funny. Let's hope a fanatic doesn't get a hold of this and take it seriously!

    • linhah lm profile image
      Author

      Linda Hahn 3 years ago from California

      @Colin323: Yup, it's flying timewise.

    • profile image

      Colin323 3 years ago

      Yesterday, when I was 16 I thought 66 was light years away. But when I woke up today, I had arrived.

    • Adventuretravels profile image

      Giovanna Sanguinetti 3 years ago from London UK

      I think the best thing we can do is learn to live in harmony together... and if that doesn't work then dance! Great lens.

    • linhah lm profile image
      Author

      Linda Hahn 3 years ago from California

      @Doug48: I'm glad to meet you.

    • profile image

      Doug48 3 years ago

      Now That's Funny "God! I can't eat them, they be (too tough and stringy.)" Yes I did change it some to stop Dub.Con from coming. I have a feeling You could not even pound that meat in to tender? I am an OF (Old Fart) Too 53 as well know how you feel. The thing about the "Computer Kids" and what they can't do POUND Nails, Build a deck, tear down an engine and rebuild it Things like that so they pay me to do it for them. Good Laugh on this one.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Interesting lens topic - thanks for the thought provoking ideas..

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 4 years ago from Liverpool, England

      "A self-important teenager was on a crowded bus trying to explain an old man why it was impossible for his generation to understand the youth.

      "You old people will never understand our generation. You grew up in a different world, almost primitive." He was talking so loudly that people around him began to listen.

      The old man said nothing. The student continued "Young people today grew up with TV, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon.

      We have nuclear energy, cell phones, computers, internet and many more things than you ever had."

      The old man was silent for a moment and then said "You're right son. We didn't have all those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now what are YOU idiots going to do for the next generation?" "

    • SusannaDuffy profile image

      Susanna Duffy 4 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      A better idea is to cull 3/4 of teens. Why do we need them all? With only a handful left, war would be a thing of the past and our eardrums wouldn't be assaulted by the likes of Bieber

    • tonybonura profile image

      Tony Bonura 4 years ago from Tickfaw, Louisiana

      Shades of Soylent Green and Logan's Run. I too have met the callousness of youth. However, being a manly man, I get to kick some ass once in a while. Not an actual physical fight, that would sully their liberal mannerisms too much. But verbally I got them beat, the young idiots. Are they all half wits? Here I go ranting on your lens. I make my own lens and rant. No I won't, I'll save it for the young idiots. I know they are, I used to be one of them only I respected all peoples. I'm just a displaced hippy after all.

      TonyB

    • Gloriousconfusion profile image

      Diana Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Well, I went to a community rent-a-mob art exhibition in Central London today. I was probably the oldest person there by 40 years, and nobody else except me seemed bothered by the fact that the lifts to the fifth floor were broken - I only made it to the fourth floor an then gave up. Anyway, the whole thing was pretty disappointing, and about as exciting as cutting your toenails, but more effort. If this is all the flower of youth can produce at short notice, I'm glad I'm old.

    • Lady Lorelei profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 4 years ago from Canada

      I am different than others because I sort of became old at the young age of 26 when I became disabled by a rare illness. I am still here and now people my age are catching up to me in aches and pains so it actually makes me feel a little more normal. Ha...funny how life goes huh?

    • profile image

      BarbaraCasey 4 years ago

      As I was reading, I kept thinking of "Old Man's War" by John Scalzi.

    • LisaMarieGabriel profile image

      Lisa Marie Gabriel 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      As a mere youngster of 56 trying to break into the music business, where everyone is either pre-pubescent or near moribund, I found this very entertaining!

    • Frischy profile image

      Frischy 4 years ago from Kentucky, USA

      Your sense of humor cracks me up. I was brought up to love and respect the elderly. My parents always took us to visit our great-grandmother every week. My grandmother was very involved in our life. We visited elderly aunts and cousins, and took flowers to old ladies in our church who could no longer get out. I am not sure people today take the time to teach these things to their children. I know that I failed at it. I was too distracted taking them to their sports & lessons.

    • Craftypicks profile image

      Lori Green 5 years ago from Las Vegas

      LOL.. very good. I love sarcasm.

    • OhMe profile image

      Nancy Tate Hellams 5 years ago from Pendleton, SC

      Very clever!

    • John Dyhouse profile image

      John Dyhouse 5 years ago from UK

      Yah, right on Granny! As a youngster of 65, I totally agree with your sentiments. Gave my first gig playing rock guitar couple of months ago. Mind you I have had the fender strat for some time. Now if only the athritis would let me move faster, I would give the youngsters a run for their money.

    • KevCooper profile image

      KevCooper 5 years ago

      Great stuff, I'd go out and kick some young ass but I'm too busy working from home, but wait till the next youngster phones to sell me something and doesn't call me Mr!

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 5 years ago from Central Florida

      @anonymous: I have to laugh, Bev, as I'm more and more starting to identify with Maxine. At 63, I feel there's plenty of life in the old gal yet. Hey, my mom is 87 and still going strong.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I know that if I had been disrespectful to anyone...old geezer or otherwise...my Mom would have smacked me into next week. So, the mindset of today's youth baffles me to no end. I find comfort in the fact that someday the little jerks will be old too. That is the ultimate payback. Just think how nasty the young ones will be then! I get more like Maxine the older I get...it is something we earn for staying around so long...the right to say whatever we damn well please.

    • profile image

      Ruthi 5 years ago

      If it were not for the reality of it all I would have laughed it up a bit more while reading your satirical slam at the kid attack! Yes, I laughed, at the wonder of your words and then I, too, wondered at the lack of respect of many of our youth today for those of us who have journeyed through life before them. Now I am off to pitch a bitch while I find a good switch to take on the next youngun who dares to disrespect me because I am old-er!

    • profile image

      grannysage 5 years ago

      I am astounded at times at how disrespectful young people are to their elders. My mother would have smacked me for being disrespectful. Now it is okay to push people out of the way if you want to get to the vending machine. But I celebrate my croneness and cackle back at them. Here's to feisty old ladies!

    • KathyMcGraw2 profile image

      Kathy McGraw 5 years ago from California

      This was pretty funny, along with the serious note of respect. Enjoyed your humor.

    • profile image

      AlleyCatLane 5 years ago

      Boy, he sure did piss you off! LOL I am afraid I am not growing old gracefully. I still feel like 22 in my head, but my body and the mirror reminds me daily I am far from it.

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 5 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      Back for another visit, and leaving a blessing~!

    • BobBlackUK profile image

      BobBlackUK 5 years ago

      I'm 73 and there's a few kids I'd like to shoot if I couldn't out-brain them first! I love satire.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Seems to be a lotta of fifty-somethings hanging around this lens...I'm 55 and am finding that getting older is really interesting. Enjoyed your lens!

    • profile image

      Terrie_Schultz 5 years ago

      I'm 54 and really enjoying it. I've finally reached the point where I don't care what anyone thinks!

    • BusyMOM LM profile image

      BusyMOM LM 5 years ago

      Being the same age as you, I am now creeping around the dark corners of the world, hoping not to get blasted by the "yoots"... very funny lens. Completely enjoyed being cracked up.

    • profile image

      cmadden 5 years ago

      Crap! I'm 55 - does that mean I was shot already and didn't notice?

    • profile image

      Donnette Davis 6 years ago from South Africa

      Eeek am I safe? lol

    • hysongdesigns profile image

      hysongdesigns 6 years ago

      I think I'd place you in the feisty lady category now ;-) But I'm not so sure I will go so far as to say 'old' since I'm 53 this year! Also in many cultures the elders are revered, respected and looked up to. what happened in America?

    • Morticella LM profile image

      Morticella LM 6 years ago

      Now this lens is listed in squodjo please report any bug and nice lens Ciao

    • viscri8 profile image

      viscri8 6 years ago

      ok, don.t shoot me - I don't shoot you. Come to Africa, old people are still considered people here, in fact even more so. Fat people too. That is why I risk crime and grime and love it here.

    • Sylvestermouse profile image

      Cynthia Sylvestermouse 6 years ago from United States

      Wait! Is 53 old? Yikes, you mean I can only kick up my heels for another year or so? LOL Glad we don't have Polar Bears in the US!

    • UKGhostwriter profile image

      UKGhostwriter 6 years ago

      I remember as a kid hearing someone shouting insults at an old boy, when I got home I asked my dad "what's a coffin dodger?" !!

    • linhah lm profile image
      Author

      Linda Hahn 6 years ago from California

      @albadvert: It is a joke, a satire.

    • albadvert profile image

      albadvert 6 years ago

      I dont understand what this lens means.If it really means that older people should be killed I think It deserves to be erased.But I hope I didnt catch the meaning.

    • gottaloveit2 profile image

      gottaloveit2 6 years ago

      LOL - truly! I didn't read this one to momma, Gert, though! Very very nicely done. Lensrolled to all my lenses about old poops...

    • jolou profile image

      jolou 6 years ago

      It's certainly true that youth is admired. It's particularly true for women and in Hollywood.

    • profile image

      DaveHiggsVis 6 years ago

      There was a great meme kicking around during the last Canadian election that said "You wouldn't let your grandparents pick who you date. Don't let them pick you government!" I thought you'd find that funny.

    • sukkran trichy profile image

      sukkran trichy 6 years ago from Trichy/Tamil Nadu

      well written articles. book marked.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      You Go Grrrrrll! I remember when waitresses and salespeople started calling me "Honey". I think it started when I was in my early 50s. It really ticked me off at first. The idea--ME a sweet little older lady? Not on your life, sistah! I still don't love it, but it doesn't make me as mad.anymore. Guess I've mellowed. Good thing, too--Now I get "Sweetie" and even the occasional "Dear"! I just smile and think ."I don't pee myself when I sneeze, 'dear', do you?" Brightens my day to think how shocked they'd be if they knew what that sweet old lady was thinking! But at least they're not being deliberately rude like "Berkeley".My mom was younger when she died at almost 80 than a lot of 30-somethings. Her motto: Age is a state of mind--Love Life!

      Well, I've written a novelette--I'll stop now!

    • ChrisDay LM profile image

      ChrisDay LM 6 years ago

      Modern 'developed' society is in danger of stratifying (vis a vis age groups) with the result that it will be infinitely poorer.

    • CruiseReady profile image

      CruiseReady 6 years ago from East Central Florida

      Oh, yeah. You got it.

    • MargoPArrowsmith profile image

      MargoPArrowsmith 6 years ago

      I have lensrolled this wonderful lens to "The Olderst People Who Have Done...Things You Wouldn't Expect Them to Do"

    • javr profile image

      javr 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      It is amazing how poor some young people act today. Many are very polite, luckily.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Well, thanks goodness that it hasn't gone that far and may it never be. You done it with fun!

    • Monika Weise profile image

      Monika Weise 6 years ago from Indianapolis, IN USA

      I laughed my old butt off at this lens. Great job!

    • gypsyman27 lm profile image

      gypsyman27 lm 6 years ago

      I am older than you, my dear and yet I feel young. Aging has some wonderful side benefits that a lot of people overlook. Don't get angry, get even! You may, because of the wisdom you acquired, develop some earth-shattering need for mankind. Thanks for doing a lens that speaks of age and aging. See you around the galaxy...

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      A very interesting read. God bless all the free spirits. :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      When you are carrying that cane poking people make sure you poke me a few times. Great lens.

    • profile image

      grannysage 6 years ago

      Thanks for visiting Whispers of the Crone. You are so right, they young have lost respect for the elders. The elders of the village were once revered, now they are cast out on the garbage heap. I working in nursing homes for years, very sad places. I too don't fit in any where, but I know longer care about it. I am proud of who I have become. Btw, the cat in the top picture looks just like my cat Wiley.

    • mattseefood lm profile image

      mattseefood lm 6 years ago

      Nice lens here! Good read :)

    • profile image

      Stonecutter 6 years ago

      I work with a young guy, less than half my age (I just hit 50 by the way). He used to make really snide little comments about the old man but I just let it go. One day we had some major equipment malfunctions and it was time to put up or shut up. Everybody put their backs into the work and when we were done this kid comes up to me and says, "I will never call you old man again, you ran circles around me all day!" His butt was dragging, well so was mine but I damn well wasn't going to let him see that. They all will learn their lesson about age sooner or later. Great lens, superbly written.

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 6 years ago from Liverpool, England

      There was a novel where a group of US businesses were selectively culling older executives on the grounds that as they got older they contributed less but earned more - and a shame it was berkely representative who was so rude, given that establishment's place in history.

    • BFunivcom profile image

      Allan R. Wallace 6 years ago from Wherever Human Rights Reign

      I've also made retorts to teens.

      Reality is, I feel sorry for them. Life may become very hard for the young. They are not wise enough to prepare, and will face the full shock of entering a world they won't understand. Many will become dedicated drones following anyone that offers solace.

      One benefit of a depression is that nice will be allowed to return. When one's job, and even one's next meal may be in doubt, you don't stand on a corner swearing and mocking.

      The decades of prosperity that are ending have allowed social contracts to relax. Conventions are already straightening up; just not as we in our second childhood remember them.

      Social interaction may once again follow rules, they won't be the same rules we knew -- but as Mark Twain would have said "they will rhyme."

      We already know how to adapt to massive societal change. We caused it in our own youth.

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 6 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      a few years back I saw a beautiful young woman sitting by a fountain in a mall. I smiled, she smiled back and said, "I think you're the ugliest woman I've ever seen." I smiled again and replied, "That's funny, I was just thinking how beautiful you are, but I realize I was wrong." That wiped the smile off her face! I love this lens, and yes sometimes we do just feel as though we're in the way...but their time is coming! Thanks for sharing!