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Knock-Knock. Who's There? A Hub With Knock-Knock Jokes!

Updated on May 22, 2012
A rule to remember if you try to use a knock-knock joke on me, because that's how long my arms are.
A rule to remember if you try to use a knock-knock joke on me, because that's how long my arms are.

A hub with knock-knock jokes who?

I’m not a big fan of knock-knock jokes. Not only do most of them not make any sense and defy some sort of grammatical rule, but I fail to see the relevance of asking someone ‘who’s there?’ when I’m staring right at them. The next time someone says ‘Knock-knock’ to me, I’m just going to punch them, and then apologize and say I thought they were a burglar. Home invasions aren’t a funny matter, and they should know that. Maybe I'm just sensitive, but I’m not the only one who doesn’t like knock-knock jokes. France doesn’t like them. The last knock-knock joke that France heard was back in 1940, and it went a little something like this. Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Germany. Needless to say, France didn’t find it very funny. I must admit, I do use them on occasion, but only as a joke. Yes, I use a joke as a joke, as in making fun of the fact that it’s a joke. One I put on Facebook was “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Oh, it’s me. I’m so stupid.” And then someone commented, and said, “Oh, it’s me, I’m so stupid who?” So here are some knock-knock jokes that I came up with, and in no way does that suggest I condone their usage. Any similarities between jokes, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Jesus wasn't condoning knock-knock jokes when he said, "Knock and it shall be answered."
Jesus wasn't condoning knock-knock jokes when he said, "Knock and it shall be answered."
Why'd they even make the door if they didn't want it used?  But maybe this is actually healthy advice.  No one wants to hear: Knock-knock. "Who's there?" AIDS.
Why'd they even make the door if they didn't want it used? But maybe this is actually healthy advice. No one wants to hear: Knock-knock. "Who's there?" AIDS.
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" A cat. "That's why you're outside. Scram." (I don't like cats, especially ones that use knock-knock jokes.)
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" A cat. "That's why you're outside. Scram." (I don't like cats, especially ones that use knock-knock jokes.)
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" Your neighbor. Keep the noise down, I'm trying to hibernate.
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" Your neighbor. Keep the noise down, I'm trying to hibernate.
SWAT doesn't use knock-knock jokes. They just bust in and then you KNOW who's there.
SWAT doesn't use knock-knock jokes. They just bust in and then you KNOW who's there.
Hear no knock-knock jokes, see no knock-knock jokes, speak no knock-knock jokes. Monkeys are cute. And so wise.
Hear no knock-knock jokes, see no knock-knock jokes, speak no knock-knock jokes. Monkeys are cute. And so wise.
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" I'm replying to your 'missing cat' poster. You said there's a reward? I brought the cat with me...
Knock-knock. "Who's there?" I'm replying to your 'missing cat' poster. You said there's a reward? I brought the cat with me...

Who's on first?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” A dog. “A dog who?” A dog who can apparently talk.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Boo! “Boo who?” Don’t cry, I was just trying to scare you.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Batman. “Batman who?” The Batman. I’m here for the superhero party. “Oh, come on in.”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Robin. “Robin who?” You know, Robin. “Robin who?” You must know who I am. “You’re not on the list.” But--- “Go away.”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” I’m here with Batman. “I’m here with Batman who?” You know, the Batman. Is he in there? Batman! It’s me, Robin! They won’t let me inside. Tell them you know me. What? What do you mean ‘Robin who?’ It’s me, your sidekick. What? Where are you going? Why are you---holy stab in the back, Batman! He’s just playing. “Security…”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” The little boy. “The little boy who?” The little boy who cried wolf. There’s really a wolf this time.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Darth Vader. “Darth Vader who?” I am your father. “Daddy!”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Yoda, I am. “Yoda, I am who?” A very confused person, you are. Very lost, you must be.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” A wolf. “A wolf who?” A wolf who’s trying to blow down your house. What’d you make this thing out of, brick? Let me in.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” St-St-Stanley. “St-St-Stanley who?” Are you making fun of my st-st-stutter?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Arbys. “Arbys who?” Arbys paid for their honey, or Arbys just our slaves?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Hardees. “Hardees who?” Hardees knock-knock jokes stupid or what?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” What, when, where, why, how. “What, when, where, why, how who?” Oh, yes. What, when, where, why, how, and who.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” I think the better question is what’s there. “I think the better question is what’s there who?” But that question doesn’t make any sense…

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” To be or not to be? “To be or not to be who?” That is not the question.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Jimmy. “Jimmy who?” I love you. “What?” We should move in together. “I don’t know who you are, but you need to leave.”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Duties. “Duties who?” Duties pants make my butt look big?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Abracadabra! “Abracadabra who?” You were supposed to turn into a toad. It usually works.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Jimmy. “I’m going to call the cops.” I love you. “Quit stalking me.”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Help! There’s a werewolf chasing me! “Help, there’s a werewolf chasing me who?” This isn’t a joke, I’m serious. “This isn’t a joke, I’m serious who?” Are you for real? Open the door! It’s coming! “Are you for real, open the door, it’s coming who?” (screaming) “Uh, AHHHHHH who?”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” A werewolf. “A werewolf who?” A werewolf who’s still hungry. Let me in.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” James. “James who?” Just James. “Your voice sounds familiar…” I love you. “Jimmy? That’s it, I’m calling the cops.”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Highlander. “Highlander who?” How many Highlanders do you know? There can be only one.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Doctor. “Doctor who?” No, Dr. Who isn’t real. I’m Dr. Wang and I’m here to check your prostate.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” A gorilla. “Holy crap, a talking gorilla!”

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Pizza. “Holy crap, a talking pizza!” No, idiot. Did you order a pizza?

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” You are now my robot, and at the sound of my voice, you will obey my every command and repeat everything I say whilst adding a ‘who’ at the end of your sentences. “You are now my robot, and at the sound of my voice, you will obey my every command and repeat everything I say whilst adding a ‘who’ at the end of your sentences who?” Good, good. Now go and destroy half of the city, my faithful robot.

Okay, that's enough.

So those are my knock-knock jokes. I know most of them don’t follow the exact guidelines for an acceptable knock-knock joke, but no knock-knock joke is acceptable in my mind. Sorry if I offended any knock-knock joke enthusiasts.

Comments (Feel free to share any knock-knock jokes you love or have come up with...)

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    • spartucusjones profile image

      CJ Baker 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

      Generally I'm very anti-knock knock jokes, so I am not going to violate my principles by sharing any. But your hub was good for a few chuckles. But I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, because it was against everything I stand for. So I guess it is a good thing I'm sitting.

    • FalconSays profile image

      Karen S. Falcon 4 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      HA HA!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Close down HubPages. They can not get any better than this.

      I'm ticking every box... that's right. Every box.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @spartucusjones- I'm beginning to sense I've found an ally in you, since we both have an intense dislike in time, pants, and knock-knock jokes. Hopefully we can start our revolution soon. You are very wise and I'm glad you're on my side.

      @FalconSays- Are you laughing at me? Thanks.

      @Twilight Lawns- I've BEEN trying to close down HubPages, but apparently, I haven't written something dumb enough to make it happen. I keep trying, though. They need to at least add a 'dumb' box, so you could tick that one, as well. Maybe they will if I keep it up.

    • spartucusjones profile image

      CJ Baker 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

      Yes wise I am.

      Not only am I currently naked and watch less, but I just removed all of the doors in my house. I figure if I have no doors, no one can knock on them. It is good that it is summer, because it would be really cold being naked and door less in the winter. But being a man of principle, I'm willing to take a stand for my convictions.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Wait... what... you don't like cats?

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @spartucusjones- Thank you for writing your comment naked. I, in turn, am replying to your comment naked. The thing with the doors was a good idea. Thank you for fighting the good fight.

      @nicomp- No, I don't like cats. They're too greasy. Oh, as pets? They're okay. I'm a dog person.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      They speak highly of you.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Gimme dogs any day.

      Obsequious little bastards, cats (until they get their own way).

      Dogs are honest, faithful and true, and tell one that one is the most handsome, intelligent, blah-di-blah-di-blah... and that's what one wants to hear.

      Cats talk behind one's back.

      Nuff said.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Old Yeller was a wimp.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @nicomp- Old Yeller is rolling over in his grave right now. Cats are the guardians of the underworld and all dogs go to heaven. Everyone knows this.

      @Twilight Lawns- I agree. A dog is man's best friend, because they're loyal and look up to their owners while giving them compliments. I don't think there are any cat people in Africa, since all the cats down there eat people. I believe that's what the cats over here wish to do, and they would, if they were the appropriate size. Which is why they can't be trusted.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      A dog left outside would be helpless, a cat would create a domain. Animals that acquiesce to a leather collar attached to a rope in order to be paraded through the neighborhood offers little value to society.

      Go to a youth soccer game and count the cats, then note the helpless dogs on leashes. They can be left alone at home without piddling on the Pergo. Dogs require constant attention just to keep them focused.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @nicomp- You have a valid point. But if we're judging who's the better pet, simply by which of these animals are more self-dependant, I believe by the very definition of 'pet' that dogs would win the debate, simply because they have more of a dependancy on their owners. Anacondas don't need owners, either, but I wouldn't want one in my house, unless there was a cat in there that I couldn't get out, and the only option was letting an anaconda loose in my house to go and fetch it.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      ttaboy, Q. It's all a matter of size.

      Take this example: If there were an animal as small as a mouse (I can’t think of a particular one right now. There is a smallish grey thing with a tail, but I can’t call its name to mind), or a poor defenceless little baby bird, that cat would be getting out its knife and fork at the drop of a hat.

      Whereas, if it were an Ostrich or a Wildebeest, the cat would be doing that disgusting rubbing around the legs business that does nothing to ingratiate them with me; just makes my skin crawl.

      But when the cat stops being your common or garden house cat, but takes on the proportions of a Lion or one of those other Mega Pussy characters that weigh more than a couple of London buses, they dispense with that creepy- crawly ankle rubbing, and are more likely to take your leg off at the knee, just for starters.

      Then watch out if you’re a Wildebeest or an Ostrich or anything short of a very big Elephant or Whale or something like that.

      Dogs, on the other hand would be more likely to take any one of those animals home with it and take care of it and give it brandy or some left-over dog food, or a sandwich or something pleasant.

      N.B. With most dogs I have known personally, there isn’t often any left-over dog food or anything else around, because dogs tend to eat everything they are given; being helpful and always ready to help, in any way that they can.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      That was supposed to start with "Attaboy, Q"

      And to think I was an Englsih teacher.

      Shame!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Q, you make valid points. Certainly we sentient humans prefer to lord over our pets, and the more dependent they become, the more lordly we feel. A huge slobbering shedding poop machine with an AKC certificate makes an optimal beast to have around the house.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @Twilight Lawns- I shudder with the knowledge that you were once an English teacher, and it makes me want to go back and check this hub for any grammatical mistakes. I was once an English student, by the way. Yes, this size thing matters, and I wouldn't doubt that if we humans were just a bit smaller, as in as small as a gerbil, that the cats we oh so loved, would not hesitate a moment to snatch us up and eat us. And that is exactly why they are evil, because they have hidden agendas, and tell you what you want to hear, but then, as you said, talk behind your back. I think the only cats that whales have to worry about are tiger sharks. Catfish would be too small to pose an actual threat.

      @nicomp- I'm certainly not saying liking cats is illadvised. They can be likeable, just not trusted. So keep one eye open while you're sleeping, for these feline masterminds are hard at work, waiting for their opportunity to take over our planet and make us their butt-scratching slaves, unless they decide to take us all out, just like they did with JFK. Okay, maybe that conspiracy theory is a little farfetched, but still, cats aren't to be trusted, and thank goodness they don't have thumbs like monkeys, because then they'd be able to use weapons and destroy all dog lovers, and all the cat people wouldn't lift a finger, because they love cats too much to see past their devious intentions for global domination. Sorry for going off like that. Dogs are awesome.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Brilliant, Q.

      I actually laughed out loud, and that is not something I usually do.

      I am on an absolute high. I just finished (at last) reformatting an ebook for Amazon, having downloaded it onto my Kindle a couple of days ago, and realising that I had ten (Yes, 10) mistakes. One of those involved using the word "here" as a verb.

      Yipes!!!

      So don't shudder, or go back, I have read your stuff and it's good. Really good.

      It is I who should be sitting on the Naughty Chair.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @Twilight Lawns- Here, here. Mistakes make us human. Or being human means we make mistakes. I'm not sure which is the case, but certainly one of them has to be accurate. I try desperately hard to make my hubs appeasing to the 'proper grammer crowd', but I must admit I love fragment sentences and completey disregard most punctuations, like semi-colons. I hope there is room for two on the naughty chair. If not, I can sit on your lap, but that would be a different kind of naughty, so never mind that.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      There's a hub in here somewhere... watchamean SOMEWHERE?

      I have never read anything you have written without laughing and I mean LAUGHING.

      Your sense of humour is off the wall, and as for punctuation, I'm OCD about it, but we all have our little foibles. One of my favourite bits of reading matter *(and I have a CD of her reading it) is Lynn Truss's 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'.

      You should try to unravel some of my sentences some time. I was going over the aforementioned ebook yesterday, and even I found I was drowning in a plethora of semicolons, colons and those three dot thingys.

    • What Is Q profile image
      Author

      Adam 4 years ago from Tennessee

      @Twilight Lawns- I would love to unravel some of your sentences, sometime, as soon as I'm done unraveling my own. I'm not sure my humor was ever on the wall. It might bounce off it once in a while. The only colon I use is the one in my body. I like those 3 dot thingys, though. I think that's called 'elliptus'. Which also happens to be the latin name for a large freshwater snail. I could be wrong about that. I'm not familiar with Lynn Truss and 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'. Is that a more violent form of diner dashing?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 4 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      If I may be so bold, Sir, I will send you the first part of her Book, read by her Good Self.

      I have been known to sit in the car o a nice day in Summer (THE nice day of Summer) and laugh along with dear Lynne.

      But before I do, do you know the joke about the Panda?

    • Anjo Bacarisas II profile image

      Anjo Bacarisas II 4 years ago from Cagayan de Oro, Philippines

      knock-knock jokes made my day very beautiful, thanks for sharing this hub.. very funny, you did very great!

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