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Madonna To Claim Rightful Place As Undead Sex Goddess

Updated on October 12, 2009

Claiming another soul...

Since the 1980's Madonna has reigned as one of pop's sex icons. As she has aged she has demonstrated a certain reluctance to acknowledge the proper order of things, such as the fact that she too is subject to the laws of space, time, and gravity. Other 80's sex icons, such as Victoria Principal, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Brooke Shields, and so many more, have all aged gracefully and, in keeping with the great circle of life, have begun to flog products on various infomercials, but Madonna has yet to endorse any poorly conceive beauty products, flawed exercise machines, or dangerously healthy diet options.

Pundits have been speculating for some time now as to when Madonna may actually retire, but a recent announcement has revealed that Madonna plans to keep making sexy music for quite some time yet, in fact, according to Madonna's people, not even the grave is going to stop her from being one sexy mama!

"Madge intends to consult with the Olsen twins and discover the secrets which have allowed them to continue to exist amongst the living in spite of the fact that they are quite obviously undead." A spokesman carrying a small baby goat and a sharp scimitar like knife confided on his way to what he described as being a 'business meeting'.

"Plastic surgery has kept her looking young, but we're working really hard on ideas to keep her animated after her earthly spirit moves on." An enthusiastic scientist told this reporter. "Also I need to get that box of replacement joints out ASAP, I've warned her a hundred times -if she does any more of those leg splitting moves, she runs the real risk of her legs falling off completely!"

"We're looking into the Vampire option, it works quite well with the life of a pop star anyway, and Madonna has enough contacts in poor African countries to keep her fed for several millenia. Plus there are the dramatic fashion options, and the chance to draw a whole new crowd to her shows. She's always been famous for her ability to reinvent herself, becoming an unholy creature of the night might just be the next step for her." We overheard a publicist wheezing into an iPhone during a Swedish massage.

"I've been trying to get Death's people to call our people, but they're really playing hardball on this one." Madge's lawyer commented over a free lunch at an undisclosed swanky restaurant. "To be honest, I've got some serious doubts that these guys are even aware of the regulations we have surrounding this sort of issue. If they don't watch out, Death could be facing a serious class action suit.... Are you going to finish those prawns?"

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