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Meet The Granny Cusser!!

Updated on July 7, 2007

Granny Cusser

Have you ever gone into a convenience store and noticed the cashier looks like a kindly Grandmother who is displaying a friendly demeanor? She looks like she would cook some greens and butterbeans with a big ole' cake of yummy cornbread.

Here's what happened to me one day when I went into the local covenience store she owns, she calls her business The "G" Spot. It was a nice sunny day, kind of warm, pollen polluting the air and sticking to everything causing it to be a nauseating shade of yellow. I look around and see the usual mullet hair style wearing Alabama fans. They are all typically clad in their dirty crimson colored hats with the obligatory "A" posted in the middle of the smelly sweat stain.

"Bubba" and his crew of roofing experts pull to the gas pump in a 1979 multi-colored Dodge Van which is struggling to stay running, idling up and down nearly cutting off, but at the last possible second finds just enough fuel to heave back into service. Their 2 day old stubble, unshaven faces displaying the alcoholic yearning for the daily fix of Busch Beer. Their day of nailing shingles is over and they are smiling that famous black toothed grin in anticipation of the nights drunken relaxation.

The odor of pumped gas and freshly cut grass drifting delicately in the air signaling the approach of summer. Out on the street, huge trucks that cost more than the owners homes are pulling boats to the water for a weekend of fishing. The sunlight reflecting off of the plate glass windows of the storefront causing all in its path to squint, I can hear the sound of ice being dumped into coolers making that hollow metal sound as it covers the case of Busch Beer. As I approach the door, stepping around the nice giant greenish hued "loogy" pasted directly on the sidewalk next to the melting Sixlet candy and a Camel Wide cigarette butt smoldering its last bit of expensive smoke into the pollen polluted air. I grab the door and push to enter then quickly smack my forhead on the fingerprint laden glass....dohhh... pull idiot! I pull the door open and the cool air conditioned air hits me along with the odor of brewed coffee, boiled peanuts and unbathed people.

I see five children trying on the hats at the hat display, the same display I have previously watched a thousand lice ridden nasty people try on the very same hats. Others are milling around the Little Debbie display deciding which delicious snack they want. One of the older children, she looks to be about twelve years old calls to her mother "Mama, do they have Apple Flips Here?" The mother standing at the cashier turns and shouts back at the child "You know this ain't Wal-Mart, all they got here is them stupid Swiss Rolls and Nutty Buddy Bars, now get something and let's go ye Daddy is in the van waiting". The child is visually distraught and obviously having trouble making decisions given all the options. After many moments of indecision she picks up an Oatmeal Creme Pie and wanders happily to the cashier who is displaying a nice demeanor.

I immediately go to the fountain drink section and am forced to choose Diet Pepsi due to the managements lack of knowledge to the fact that Diet Mt. Dew is preferred two to one amongst white male soda fountain patrons. Sales would skyrocket if this nectar of the gods were available in the fountain section.

The same "hat" children have now moved on to the "Icee" machine and make it a point to touch every straw, cup, and lid with their dirty little hands which are sporting fingernails with a nice crumbly black substance under them.

Thankfully after ten minutes of this touching and pillaging the five children get their wares totalling $1.89 and move to the cashier still displaying a nice, friendly demeanor.

The kind cashier rings up the the childrens items while noticing the carnage over in the hat section and in the "Icee" section. The demeanor seems to be changing. The children sense this change. They quickly pay for the items and evacuate the store expeditiously. The kindly cashier leaves her post to inspect the areas the children had pillaged. Upon arrival a few seconds later in ear shot of me I hear some inaudible angry sounding mumbling. I ask if the kindly cashier if she was talking to me. By this time the Grandmotherly cashier is sporting "The Stink Eye". I can hear the rumble of the ice machines and the air conditioner behind me making it difficult to hear what anyone more than three feet away is saying. However, there was no mistaking the next sounds to invade my hearing canals.

Suddenly out of nowhere, catching me off guard. I thought someone had taken a 15 pound live salmon by the tail and bashed me across the face with a wicked, wet and slimy thud. I was seeing stars and in shock. The kindly Grandmotherly cashier said "Look what those stupid kids did to the cups and sh.., they left 2 liter Mt. Dew bottles in the Combos boxes, those little f....ers"!!

I must admit I did not know Grannies talked like that until that day, thanks Granny Cusser I will never be the same!

Read more on Granny at my home......

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This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License. To view a copy of this license, visit or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.


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    • grannycusser profile image

      grannycusser 10 years ago

      If that damn OLE NUMBER ONE wants diet mountain dew his ass can buy a one out of the cooler ....If I put Diet Mt Dew in he would suck it dry with that big tanker mug he brings in to fill up.. Go patrol

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      elli 10 years ago

      this was funny thanx