ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

What Makes Women Happy?

Updated on February 15, 2014

I've been married for forty five years and I've concluded that watching women watch movies, provides one of the few clues to what really makes her tick.

Watching my wife prepare for movie night, I've learned that there are four things essential to a good evening. Air popped popcorn, some completely unattractive, but comfortable, "pajama look a like", a box of Kleenex and any movie that will make her cry.

Women like movies with the word, "Wedding" in the title, like - "The Wedding Singer", "The Wedding Planner", "The Wedding Crasher", "My Best Friends Wedding", "Muriels Wedding", "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" or "Four weddings and a Funeral". I think Hollywood could introduce "The Blob marries the Slob" and women would make it a blockbuster.

Crying movies will however, out perform wedding movies for most women. Find a women who hasn't watched " An Affair to Remember" or "The Notebook" ten times. Thats because women like movies that make them cry. It makes them happy. Women even go to the movies together so they can all cry together and wallow in collective happiness. They look at each other crying and start crying all over again and then they start laughing hysterically at each other crying. Then they tell us that we don't understand them!

Guys don't cry at movies unless the concession stand is closed. Guys like "guy" movies. Tear jerkers like, "Brave Heart", "Rocky one through five" or "Rambo one through four". Guys think a romantic comedy is "An Evening at Porky's".

Women like to watch movies with other women. They even watch movies on mute. As soon as the movie starts, they begin multiple conversations, pausing only to cry at the prescribed and necessary intervals. They know what happens before it happens. They know it's going to make them cry and they don't care.

" Oh, I love this part, give me the Kleenex!"

My wife can cry with a mouthful of popcorn, a fist full of tissue and talk to twenty seven other women without even having to swallow. If there isn't anyone to cry with, she will watch the movie with my daughter in Chicago, or her mother in L.A. via cell phone, where they all cry on the Verizon family plan.

There isn't any sense in trying to watch a movie with her either. There isn't a husband on this planet that looks as good as the guy in a chick flick. She's looks at you, looks at him and starts crying all over again. Talk about perfect! He couldn't say anything wrong if it was scripted. He even smells delicious. .

The guy in her movie can order wine in any language. He speaks fluent everything and can make love in every one of them. He has all the money in the world and he plays the piano like Beethoven. He's so perfect that even God wants to know where he came from.

That's why men like guy movies. In a good western like "Unforgiven", the guy doesn't bathe for a year, he has three teeth in his mouth, sleeps with his horse, has cow dung embedded in his boots and some vixen is chasing him all over the western plains! She doesn't ever talk and she thinks cuddling is something cows do.

In a chick flix, the guy showers every twenty minutes with the door open. When I do that, she starts crying and closes the door. In a chick flix, the guys never think about sex. They just like to talk, because women like to talk and these movies are made for women. Women have authentic conversations with the guy in the movie because they actually believe that the guy in the movie is talking directly to them.

In a guy movie, the women don't have lines, they don't talk because there isn't any time for talk. The guys been gone for three years, comes home for fifteen minutes and then has to go off and fight another war or get cigarettes. He has fifteen arrows embedded in his back, a hatchet lodged in his head and she doesn't ask him a single question!

That's the thing about movies that are made for women. Everybody talks. They all get together and talk during the movie and then the movie talks backs back to them. Then they all cry together and everybody is happy!

Obviously, movies illustrate how men and women differ in their concepts of love and romance. Our preferences in movies only depict the glaring futility of Hollywood to make films that bring us together.

Last week, I stopped showering and grew a one week scruff. I bought a horse to sleep with. I got boots and walked through all the horse dung I could find. I put an old wooden tub in the living room, filled it with water, got a bottle of good whiskey and lit up a cigar. I pulled my hat down over my brow and in my best Clint Eastwood pose, I sunk down into the tub and waited for her to come home.

When she got home she just started laughing. Obviously there are still too many teeth in my mouth!

It has become painfully clear to me, through this failed effort, that women think westerns are comedies. Its o.k. though. She's laughed so hard that she started crying. That means she's happy. Unfortunately, she was in a hurry and had to leave.

"Where are you going?" I asked her in grave disappointment.

"I'm meeting the girls at the theater" she said. "The blob marries the slob just came out!"


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • arb profile image

      arb 5 years ago from oregon

      Good morning sandrabusby! I appreciate your kind comment. It adds seasoning to therwise dull breakfast.

    • sandrabusby profile image

      Sandra Busby 5 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

      I like your "stuff." Think I'll become a follower.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Ah. I'm aware you've been very busy and involved recently. Priorities must take precedence and very frequently they're not only priorities but seem to expand to fill the time, leaving personal preferences in limbo. I'm glad for you that there's a great sounding vacation to Banff and its beautiful environs on the horizon. In the peak of fall foliage, I can only imagine the beauty. You deserve it. It will surely be inspirational. (Hope you'll be ring master of that getaway!)

      Will be good when your kids get their Chicago house sold and their new one there, so you can relax more in a more normal household, with your interests in place, and you'll be able to really enjoy your vacation. Hugs.

      Thanks for defining your relationship with stereotyping, Alan. :-)

    • arb profile image

      arb 5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Nellieanna, Thanks for your delightful comments. I have been far too busy and I am way behind in responding and reading let alone writing. I would never presume to place you in a box with any kind of label. You would set fire to the box simply to shed the implication. I do enjoy stereotyping the genders though, it is the filter that explains life for me.

      I am in the midst of much Social Security work and trying to ease my load back to a sustainable number. I am nearly caught up and now simply await decisions.

      I have planned a vacation Sept. 22 for 10 days. Going to Bannf/Lake Louise and Jasper. A 13 hour drive from here in the midst of falls glorious changes. I expect the splendor to move my senses to write of it, perhaps while simply drinking in the views from some lofty perch or canoeing in an emeral lake. Anyway, another full weekend planned for me by the ladies of the house. The kids are beginning to get a lot of activity on thier Chicago home and I expect something to happen soon. I can only describe my home as a blend of Sesame Street, Cirque Soleil and Animal farm. I am not the ring master, just a resident puppet.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh, my! I laughed so much reading your hub, Alan. It really has much truth but even more humor, in your unique style. Those cases when crying would be elicited for twisted reasons are soooooo funny.

      Still, I just can't sit still for stereotyping of what women all like in movies. I've never had a movie night with female friends, though I've watched some with my great-granddaughter. I've gone 'TO the movies' with my friend Val, who prefers Daniel Craig in 007 roles or any other macho roles, and where we just sat and watched the big screen. I think about popping corn but never remember to when I put on a DVD. I'm an iconoclast in this as I am in various other 'typical' female or human or whatever categorizations in which I might otherwise be fitted, but in which I don't.

      I'm a real woman through and through and of course, I love "An Affair To Remember" and "The Notebook". Also, "Braveheart" is possibly my all-time favorite movie. The guns and killing in it have meaning, courage and dedication to an honorable cause abound. It's more than just a muy-macho showing of muscles and ability to grit teeth and charge in.

      I also like "Top Gun", "A Few Good Men", "Finding Forrester", "Jane Eyre", "Madame Bovary", nearly all of Jane Austen's stories made into films, "Sleepless In Seattle", "The Wedding Crashers" (not much of a female take on weddings in that one), "Room With A View", "The Hunt For Red October" and many other movies showing my eclectic taste. The standard for a good movie for me is quality.

      George was a real guy in every sense. He liked guy movies, and movies about the war in which he had been involved were of special interest to him. Of course I only knew him when he was mature and in his AARP years and beyond.

      We enjoyed many of his kind of guy movies together & I fully enjoyed them. He liked many of my 'click-flicks' and sometimes was known to shed a tear or two himself when there was authentic emotion depicted which stirred his heart, which was always up to being stirred as long as I knew him.

      Then we both roared with laughter in "Sleepless In Seattle" when the guy-gal movie personalities in the movie were spoofed in one scene. The gals were teary over "An Affair To Remember" and the guys began pretending being emotional & crying about the guys in their macho movies in specific macho scenes. Even the little boy got into their standpoint!

      It really was hilarious, as is your delightful hub! :-)

    • profile image

      Lone Ranger 6 years ago

      Dang, Arb, that's some good stuff!

      To be honest, I did find myself shedding a tear or two during Passion of the Christ and perhaps my eyes ran a little during a couple other movies as well. This never used to happen to me, so perhaps I'm getting a little soft with the onset of advanced age. :0) God's blessings to you and yours and keep up the good work!

    • profile image

      Emme Hickmond 6 years ago

      Though I am not one of those women, I ted to prefer suspense, action, horror or anything involving sports, this is fabulously true of 90% of the women I know! Thank you for the early Saturday laugh :)

    • arb profile image

      arb 6 years ago from oregon

      you are obviously getting a good laugh at my expense! Thats o.k. Marriage has equipped me to handle it. Say hi to Joe!

    • profile image

      Pam Martinez 6 years ago

      Soooooo funny. I especially like your efforts at being a tough guy. Wish she had had the camera that would have been a movie to watch!

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Feline Prophet, I've been told that men aren't funny, maybe, women merely think they are laughing at the men, but as I suspect, laughing at one another laughing. Thanks so much for reading and the comment.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 7 years ago are a good observer of the foibles of women, arb! Yes, we like the soppy films but we also like the 'laugh out loud' variety - especially when we're laughing at the men! :D

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 7 years ago

      Imagine, I said "I lack the words..." then literally boom verbal vomit. :P

      You are always welcome arb, sorry for the LONG replies. :)

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Qudsia, Perhaps women live vicariously through love movies, which feed a deeper need than life itself. Perhaps men through hero movies to assume their needed place! As always, thanks for reading and for always leaving a reply.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 7 years ago

      Oh arb, can I say fantastic?

      Ugh, I lack words to define this, it is just that wonderful.

      To be honest, I think there might be something functionally wrong with me but if I have a long weekend, with enough time to watch a film, I might watch films like 30 Days of night, Terminator 1-3, Gladiator, Rambo, Resident evil 1 to 3, 2 days later, all those Japanese remakes by Hollywood films with any strong male lead.

      I hate it when my sister brings some mushy cryable (is that even a word? Ugh, will use it any way.) movie.

      I feel we have enough sadness and troubles in our lives than to actually buy a film that will make me cry for 2 hours!

      Being a tomboy as a child and by always being around my guy cousins, I seem to understand men and not understand women at all!

      Like when they start talking about glitter and jewellery and general sappiness, it makes me want to kill myself for being in a company where I learnt nothing.

      The only people I enjoy spending time with are ones, who leave me being a more productive person.

      I would be lying if I said, I haven't watched all 'women' movies but I never understand them. It feels like torture when your form of entertainment just made me visibly upset.

      You are right about the excessive talking in women movies, they are misleading because most men choose to not put all their feelings on a platter, they do not enjoy the vulnerability that comes with it.

      These films corrupt us, women because they make us believe false ideas about men and when our 'husbands, boyfriends, lovers' do not follow those rules, we feel like we have been cheated.

      Maybe 2% of the male population might be your per se Edward Cullens, Landon Carters, Noah Calhons, Jack from Titanic etc.

      Honestly, when I watched Titanic, I was amazed by the digital effects, the love story was secondary for me, I felt like the love story sort of did not do justice to the film because it helped us forget the tragedy and remember only love. I was so upset after watching that film that I decided I would never fall in love because last thing I would want is become a mushy mess.

      Lol, fear of relationships and all things alike I guess.

      My comment sounds like I was on a sofa explaining my woes to a doc, lol.

      I will end it on, I like movies that leave me amazed rather than upset. :D

      Oh and great hub. :P

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Hi Sarah! Thanks for the reply. Personally, I think Kleenex and Hollywood are in cahoots!

    • Sarah Writes profile image

      Sarah Writes 7 years ago from California

      You are so right women do love movies with the key word being wedding. I have never given it much thought, but so many of the moves I love are wedding themed. Loved this one your pretty right on! Take care:)

    • profile image

      arb 7 years ago

      David-leo, thank you for the kind words!

    • David-leo Alabi profile image

      David-leo Alabi 7 years ago

      Very concise hub. I love your precision.

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      azure sky, It is good that we can laugh at life and who we are. It affirms that the heart is unafraid of where we've been and rewards us with all we need to go forward!

    • azure_sky profile image

      azure_sky 7 years ago from Somewhere on the Beach, if I am lucky :)

      LMBO.....I think I'm addicted to your I haven't laughed this much in a long time!! Keep 'em coming :)

      Thanks so much!!

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Hi b. Thanks for the read. Thanks to your husband for recomendation! By ther way, your last post inspired my latest, "Why women think men don't listen" Thanks for the inspiration.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 7 years ago

      My husband, thank God, is a sensitive man when it comes to a sad movie, and I love it. We take turns selecting what movies we watch on video or see in the theater. I have no trouble seeing a good action thriller with lots of blood, and gore, if it's his turn to choose. Last week we saw (my turn to pick) "Company Men", with Ben Affleck...He say's to tell you, he'd recommend it to both of you! Good Hub, Arb.

    • profile image

      Kritty Faye 7 years ago

      my husband always cry but I Never cry over movies, i just laugh at him crying. And i love to watch his face when he is watching TV or movies. He acts out whatever is going on with his facial expressions!

    • profile image

      arb 7 years ago

      Freshlaundry, sorry about the accident. I remain irresponsible for damages incured while reading my work! Thanks for sharing and for stopping by!

    • freshlaundry71 profile image

      freshlaundry71 7 years ago

      Great article..made me laugh so hard I peed a little!!

    • arb profile image

      arb 7 years ago from oregon

      Thanks Joy. I would like to write Terminator Wedding. I think I could make you cry and still give him a laugh! Really enjoyed your comment.

    • Joy Martin profile image

      Joy Martin 7 years ago from Singapore

      LOL! This is soooo true. My partner loves Predator, Resident Evil etc.. while I prefer Eat Pray Love, Korean dramas and other shows that will possibly bring a tear to my eye.

      About 'Terminator Wedding', I'm not sure I'll watch that if Hollywood decides to make such a movie. Too much guns and machines!