Flavored Nails for Carpenters

by Bill Russo

They recently started a hall of fame for inventors and I say it’s about time. Those people who have made our lives easier should be honored.

The Hall of Famers will get their rewards by virtue of their election…so I’m not going to name them.

I am going to highlight a few of the inventors who didn’t make it. They may not be familiar to you for obvious reasons.

First of all there’s Ben Franklin. He got a few votes and he actually is somewhat well known, but he didn’t make the final cut because of one silly invention - the wood stove.

What good is a wood stove anyway? You can only use it once. It’s gone…up in smoke. If you’re lucky it won’t burn your house down. Too bad for Ben. The idea had merit. Maybe if he had invented a metal stove.......

And then there’s Bob Fulton. Everybody knew he wasn’t going to get in. He invented Fulton’s Folly - A steam boat! People go to the health club to take a steam. They’re not going to get on a boat for it.

Fulton might just as well have put slot machines and craps tables on his boat instead of steam baths. He could have called it a crap boat…maybe then people would want to go on it.

I, myself, should be in the hall of fame for my great inventions.

Here’s one product I’m testing.

Microwave ICE CUBES.

Hey everything else is going into the microwave these days. I have been trying various Microwave Ice cube formulas for some time now and there is just one thing keeping them off the market. I stick my cubes in the Nuker but before they can get turned into ice..the water boils away.

I don't get it. I am using 'de-frost' setting,

so I should be able to get 'de-ice!'

Here’s my best invention……

Flavored Nails. Not fingernails. You know, nails like you pound into wood. Nails with flavoring in them.

You know how carpenters like to keep the nails in their mouth. They taste nasty but a good carpenter has to have at least six nails lined up in his jaw to keep the work flowing.

My chocolate, strawberry and tutti-frutti nails put the fun back into nailing. You just take one out of the handy flip top box and stuff it in .

I’m telling you that flavored nails would revolutionize the home improvement market. They could be sold everywhere from Home depot to Office depot even to the Railroad Depot. People would want cartons of them for Christmas.

There’s only one problem.It’s just like that water car. Somebody invented a car that runs on water. You just drive up to a garden hose and fill it up. It works great. But the car companies and the oil companies bought up the patent and they are keeping it off the market.

It’s the same thing with flavored nails. I talked to the powers that be. They’re afraid kids will try to eat them. I said…."wait…we’ll just sell them to responsible adults". They said no. I said…"okay we’ll put warnings on the sides of the packages saying that flavored nails can be hazardous to your health if inhaled".

I guess I’m not going to get anywhere with flavored nails, maybe I could change it to a woman’s product. How about flavored fingernail polish? Flavored nail polish….hmmm…it’s got possibilities.

For those ladies who love beautiful nails but can’t stop biting them….now they can have their polish and eat it too!!!

You might laugh at this, but it could be really big - Pre-colored eggs. The eggs will be done up in beautiful colors right at the processing plant and delivered to the super markets in designer boxes. Think of it. You go to the store and instead of deciding on white or brown eggs, you can buy Chartreuse, Mauve, Teal or Puce eggs. Harmless food coloring would be used and the eggs can still be cooked.

Chuckle now, but they are coming soon to your local food emporium and you will buy them.

My next great invention is 'Double Use Elevator Shafts'. Designed to be used in only very large buildings, several shafts will have two 'vators' in each shaft. One will handle the first thirty floors and the upper elevator will take care of the rest. The lower elevator will be anchored at the thirtieth floor and the upper one will be secured at the top floor. My system will reduce the number of shafts required and will lower construction costs as well as ongoing expenses. You may laugh at this too, but it will reduce the time people spend in elevators and cut down on the annoyance factor of having to go to the top floor and endure multiple stops along the way.

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