More Pop Questions Answered

Dear crassnsilly,

I am a simple person and I have a simple question. Should I stay or should I go?

Yours,

Janie Jones

Dear Janie,

Your question may seem a simple choice between two opposites, but it is not a dichotomy that should be rushed at like a mad bull with a chilli rammed up its rectum or a terrier that goes a bit bonkers every now and then. Problems such as yours need careful consideration. The first thing to do is make a nice cup of tea. Tea is another subject that is full of challenges, contradictions and decisions, important considerations such as strength, tea/milk ratio, length of brew, etc. See the video below for instructions.

When you have made your nice cup of tea, you can sit down and consider. To stay is to preserve the status quo. Obviously, you have been ruminating at some length about the stay/go situation, or you wouldn't have written to me. If this was ideal, you wouldn't be asking the question, would you? So the solution is to go. But finish your tea first. Help yourself to a biscuit, please.

Dear crassnsilly,

Is that all there is? I thought I ordered more. Is it just my imagination?

Norma Deloris Egstrom

Dear Norma,

How much did you want? How much did you expect? The form was quite clear. We have been using this method for many years and no customer has ever felt misled by our ordering system. So, without wishing to cause offence, you must have imagined that there would be more. Your disappointment is not our fault, although we do sympathise.We do understand that you were disappointed with the circus, the burning building and that your expectations of love exceeded reality, but I must state again that we can in no way be held responsible.

I/we hope this is clear.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

I can't feel it. Can you feel it?

Yours,

Jackson Browne

Dear Jackson,

Yes, I can feel it. I suspect that you are wearing industrial-strength gloves, which would make feeling anything difficult. Switch to rubber or latex gloves.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

Is there a reliable method for testing scientifically the depth of my love, that of my partner and our pets?

Jacques Cousteau

Dear Jacques,

I see you have come to me on a summer breeze.Often, a problem can be more easily solved by turning it on its head or, in your case, turning it on its side. Now you can easily measure the depth of your love, or anybody else's, by running alongside it until it runs out, then measuring the distance you have run by using one of those silly mini-computers that joggers wear on their wrists. Although what good this will do you, nobody knows. We are living in a world of fools.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

As a cyclist, I am tired of dodging pedestrians as I cycle along the pavement. Why don't we do it in the road?

A Cyclist

Dear A,

Roads are for motor vehicles. Never attempt to cycle in the road or you will be mowed down instantly by an insane motorist. They are trained to aim at cyclists and destroy what they see as an enemy. Instead, continue to cycle along the pavement and mow down pedestrians, especially children. Only this way can we all live in peace.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

Who wants to be a millionaire? I don't. Who wants to journey on a gigantic yacht? Do I want a yacht? Oh, how I do not.

Celeste Holm

Dear Celeste,

What about a nice cup of tea? I know you shouldn't answer a question with a question, but, well, tea is tea.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

I'm always losing things. What medication would you recommend to help me focus. The other day, I lost our love. You'll never believe it – it was in the fridge! I'm mad, me.

Yours,

Richard III

Dear Richard,

I wonder if this is just a sign of getting older, or if you really cared about our love, which is why you forgot where you had left it. Medication is not the answer. Instead, get one of those handy little keyring things where you whistle and it beeps. Attach this to our love and you will never be without it. Also, your whistling will improve and you could whistle at parties to entertain children. And animals.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

Have any other readers noticed the lack of brokenhearted in the streets of our towns these days? There was a time when they were everywhere. What became of them? If I get myself a brokenhearted, what will become of it?

Yours,

Mr Spock from Star Trek

Dear Mr Spock,

I hear what you are saying. It's a sign of our times that there are hardly any brokenhearted about. Government initiatives to tidy the streets ready for an invasion from aliens and clear away these weeping, self-pitying saddos saw them forcibly taken to government Homes for the Brokenhearted, where they can spend all day sobbing over photos of lost loves.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

I think my map is upside down, or maybe I have started from the wrong place. Any idea?

Yours,

Google

Dear Google,

I hope I can help you with your search. When you ask if this is the way to Amarlillo, the answer will always be 'yes'. Because, just as all roads lead to Rome, so they all also lead to Amarillo, and just about anywhere else on the planet. Of course, this may lead to unnecessary detours across other continents, but it is better to travel than to arrive.

crassnsilly

Dear crassnsilly,

Eh?

Marc Walnut

Dear Marc,

I didn't say anything.

crassnsilly